No, but I have good days and bad days. I have mood swings without being significant enough for clinical diagnosis, meaning I can't take meds. But I have been paying attention and trying to figure out "why" I feel a certain way. I don't always have an answer, and maybe that's just part of the mystery of life.

The past couple of days I have been feeling "needy", so I spent yesterday doing things I wanted too. I went shopping, which always makes me feel better. I like to buy clothes/shoes, because looking good makes me feel good. I talked on the phone with friends I had not talked to in a while.

Today I feel better, because I paid attention to myself and my inner child.

For me, being aware of certain behaviors is the first step. If there are things you do that you don't like, only you can change it.

It is a horrible way to feel, really painful. Is that how others feel? I often think life is hard and so much easier for others -

There is nothing easy about this. Depression for me is self-induced because I am having such a hard time letting go of the relationship I had with my ex b/f.
As much as I love to shop, I just can not seem to bring myself to do it anymore. I loved buying new clothes because it always made me feel good about myself, and HE always loved everything I bought, but now there just seems to be no reason to worry about it anymore.
I need to find a way to get out of this gloom & doom state that I have allowed myself to get into the past month and I just don't know how to do that.

I had a rough night last night and all day today, with depression, lonelyness and fear. I realized today that while I was married to an alcoholiic for 27 of the 32 years, I was the decision maker and fixer of problems and always could find a way through nearly any issue. But since the divorce last November I've been on my own, I can't make a decision and stick to it. I keep changing my mind. I want to begin crocheting again, but can't seem to focus.

My son and daughter-in-law want me to come and live with them for a year or so. They could use the help with the children and I've never been able to be a grandma for more than a few days at a time and I want that so much. I'm afraid of the unknown and future and have changed my mind several times in the last year. I think I will really do it this time. My son always knows when to call and how to make me feel better. Being his mother is my greatest gift in life.