Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi all,
I need to vent and get a little support.
In the past seveal years, my only sis has been very distant - is involved with a heroin addict who seems to go through some periods of sobriety, and she is also a gambling addict, extremely secretive. She is not a healthy person, and I feel a lot of rejection and abandonment as a result of her basically showing no interest in me whatsover anymore (aside from Christmas gift exchange and the occasional seeing her when she's visiting family). Threre's zero interest in me on her part, as far as I can tell.
She was moving, and I decided to offer to help when I heard, nearly 2 months ago. I knew it be "charity", not expecting anything in return. I kept in touch regulary, letting her know my availability, and she stalled, then cancelled our plans a few times. The way I hear about her is through our mom, otherwise I have no knowledge of her business (I am not on facebk. (I need work in staying out of triangles here). She also needed to find a new job during this time.
Yesterday she rented a truck and I'd offered to come help, to find her stuff had not been packed - on moving day (3 bedroom house, 2 car garage). Yes, she had done some stuff, but in the last 2 months, she only accepted my help for one evening for an hour or so, a few weeks ago.
When I realized how much was undone, I expressed to others who were helping how overwhelmed I felt. When she returned from moving some stuff, she said she is sorry she made me feel overwhelmed. I said it was not her fault, that I wished more stuff was packed. She said I didn't have to help. I said I know she works well under pressure and likes to wait until the last minute to do things, but I don't, that is why I offered to help two months ago. She said she didn't want to hear it now.
I set some internal boundaries as far as how long I'd stay, and I also called a relative to vent and cry, and after my two 2 hour shifts, I really was bent out of shape. I had a hard time comprehending someone letting someone else pack up their personal things, much of which were quite in a state of disaray. And to try to treat a close relative like a "charity", it was too hard for me to separate the fact of my sense of loss of her friendship, and to just be objective about the whole thing.
Today I did not help her move, it was the day everything had to be out of the house. She had just received the key for the new place the day before yesterday. Mom has been helping her alot, and enabling her
Thanks for reading! Not looking for advice, maybe feedback, if you relate, and suggestions. What did help me realize when I was growing agistated during helping, was the slogan "for fun and for free" - if we can't do something with this attitude, it is best not to. I am glad I helped, it was just super frustrating not being able to really help all those days I was available, as I drive by her street on my way home from work 4 days a week.
I am just really torn up about this whole thing.
I need to vent and get a little support.
In the past seveal years, my only sis has been very distant - is involved with a heroin addict who seems to go through some periods of sobriety, and she is also a gambling addict, extremely secretive. She is not a healthy person, and I feel a lot of rejection and abandonment as a result of her basically showing no interest in me whatsover anymore (aside from Christmas gift exchange and the occasional seeing her when she's visiting family). Threre's zero interest in me on her part, as far as I can tell.
She was moving, and I decided to offer to help when I heard, nearly 2 months ago. I knew it be "charity", not expecting anything in return. I kept in touch regulary, letting her know my availability, and she stalled, then cancelled our plans a few times. The way I hear about her is through our mom, otherwise I have no knowledge of her business (I am not on facebk. (I need work in staying out of triangles here). She also needed to find a new job during this time.
Yesterday she rented a truck and I'd offered to come help, to find her stuff had not been packed - on moving day (3 bedroom house, 2 car garage). Yes, she had done some stuff, but in the last 2 months, she only accepted my help for one evening for an hour or so, a few weeks ago.
When I realized how much was undone, I expressed to others who were helping how overwhelmed I felt. When she returned from moving some stuff, she said she is sorry she made me feel overwhelmed. I said it was not her fault, that I wished more stuff was packed. She said I didn't have to help. I said I know she works well under pressure and likes to wait until the last minute to do things, but I don't, that is why I offered to help two months ago. She said she didn't want to hear it now.
I set some internal boundaries as far as how long I'd stay, and I also called a relative to vent and cry, and after my two 2 hour shifts, I really was bent out of shape. I had a hard time comprehending someone letting someone else pack up their personal things, much of which were quite in a state of disaray. And to try to treat a close relative like a "charity", it was too hard for me to separate the fact of my sense of loss of her friendship, and to just be objective about the whole thing.
Today I did not help her move, it was the day everything had to be out of the house. She had just received the key for the new place the day before yesterday. Mom has been helping her alot, and enabling her
Thanks for reading! Not looking for advice, maybe feedback, if you relate, and suggestions. What did help me realize when I was growing agistated during helping, was the slogan "for fun and for free" - if we can't do something with this attitude, it is best not to. I am glad I helped, it was just super frustrating not being able to really help all those days I was available, as I drive by her street on my way home from work 4 days a week.
I am just really torn up about this whole thing.
I think the key issue here is that your sister's behavior has been extremely passive aggressive. I mean, really it's like textbook passive aggression. She knew that you, your mom, whoever else, was coming over to help her when you didn't have any obligation to, and then she saddles everyone with the entire burden that she had procrastinated in handling herself. I think you should have drawn the line at helping her in only the way that you had agreed to, which was not helping someone sort & pack their own belongings. Sadly, it seems like she ultimately got what she wanted: she got everyone stressed out, and she had other people doing the things she should have been doing herself. At least you can say you are aware of what's really going on, which is probably more than anyone else who's involved in this situation, and you can use it as an example of the pitfalls to avoid in the future.
she's codependent/addict. It's typical. Wait tell the last minute
or/and end up not doing anything at all.
My Ex the samething. I do the samething.
Plus fear of changes getting out of her comfortzone.
The best thing you can do for yourself is not to internalize it
or take it personal.
You cant fix addicts....You cant fix codi either.
My family members are extremely fed up with me.
Some of my friends are fed up with me...
They tried to help me break away from toxic relationships
many times but I keep getting myself in bad relationships
over and over again.
I still have all of my belongings in the back of my suv.
It's been in there for a month. It's weird I know.
You know how it is when your a codi...
You have energy to do stuff for other people
and you cant do anything for yourself.
What have you done for yourself?lol
Just expressing myself in the post really helped me to let go of the situation, and I am going about my day. I also did some reading on the subject of codependency.
One thing, is I wish I had complained less. I think it is better to take a time out and figure out a boundary. Fortunatly, like the family member I called said, at least it is a situation I can walk away from.
In defense of your sister, it was her job to move her stuff. You offered. She took you up on it. You had in your mind what you planned to help her with. If she was not ready to load stuff into the truck, you should have left and had her call you when she WAS ready. You put a lot of stuff on your own shoulders (as we codies like to do), and then you blamed her for the stuff you put there. You could have walked away from the whole situation. It is nice of you to have stayed and helped anyway, but the complaining behind her back was not nice. And not respectful. You should be up front with her, and not talk about her behind her back. I do get the level of frustration you were feeling. I went through something similar with helping friends move years ago. They too had nothing packed. Very annoying.
I get the sense that you are your sister are 2 very different personality types. Sometimes they don't mesh. You are a pre-planner, and she is a last-minute Charlie. Neither of you are going to change the other, so you both have to learn to just get a long. When your frustration level rises, you need to step back and take a deep breath (maybe even step back from the relationship a bit). And remember: she is an addict so is not in her right mind. You can't reason with an addict, and you can't change them. They have to want to change, and do it on their own.
Food for thought.
"When you volunteer with us, you give up your right to complain."
It didn't always work for me, but trying made the job a little easier and more positive.