Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,331 Members

10,657 Posts

1 Online

FindingMeAgain 10/20/2016

I'm reaching my three-year anniversary of therapy in November, and I'm excited about the strives I've made in life. Part of the changes has been to step away from my family (mainly mom and brother) several months ago when I realized they were never going to change and that I was officially codependent. I've since taken responsiblitiy for my own codependency and have given clear boundaries to my mother and brother, which were greeted with hostility and verbal abuse. I've had minimual contact with them, but recently it has become clear to me that it looks like "no contact" will have to be the way to go. I'd already resigned myself to this with my brother and mother, but I'm still grappling with my two nieces, who are caught in this dysfunctional family and who I love very much. My last attempt to strike some sort of balance with healing myself and still being part of their life failed because being with them entailed being with my mother and brother. I guess I just need some words of encouragement because I know that I am making the right decision by becoming healthy. It's just hard to not feel guilty when you know there are collateral damages.

mirandac 10/20/2016

I know how you feel, i have no contact with my ex And
his mother, with that goes the nieces and nephews and
yes they are collateral damage but i really did not have
Much sway in their lives. Divorce is messy In many family
situations. I had no children so the no contact was easier
and my XMIL was behind my ex all the way.

I have lot of dysfunction on my side and helped one
Niece for years, she would come stay with me but
stopped when her behaviors became Bad. Now she is
in and out of trouble but there was Nothing i could
have done. Her parents were in charge Of her not me.
I really bear no remorse. HUGS

FindingMeAgain 10/20/2016

Thank you for your words and support. Your comments are always spot on. It helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation.

mirandac 10/20/2016

I found with my mother the no contact did not
Really work well. She would get to me thru the
Same niece and my sister.

I would walk in their Door and my young neice
would say, have you Talked to Mammy? she was
being coached By my mother. My niece was like
10 years old, as if she is going to be thinking like
That without being pressured to ask me that.

Highly dysfunctional or narcs will Use children as
their pawns to get at you. I feel bad For the children
And being asked to be involved. Its sick behavior and
my sister should not Have allowed it but she did.
HUGS

FindingMeAgain 10/20/2016

I agree. My brother uses the girls as a way to punish and avoid having to deal with family issues. My dad got out four years ago by leaving my mom. He didn't do it in the most healthful way, but he has since remarried. He doesn't really see my brother and the girls. It looks like that is how it will have to be for me too. Neither my brother nor my mom want to change, and they blame me when I don't act the way they want me to. I've spent most of my life being what my family wanted me to be rather than living for myself. It's great to be liberated, but sometimes it just sucks to know that I no longer have family. It doesn't suck, though, to know that I'm not the only one battling this. Thanks!

mirandac 10/20/2016

I live out of state and my mother sold her cottage here
Ten years ago so i have some distance from her. She did
Not like my ex at one point so the no contact for awhile.
We all got patched up again eventually.

My mother and i get along now but the relationship is not
Normal or deep. Its Very superficial really. I have massive
Fear i might have to care for her later on. She is so miseralble
She could never have help in and she doesnt believe she could
Go to senior housing or assisted living. One good thing is she
Doesnt like the way i think so thats a good thing. BUT IT STILL
SCARES ME as the normal responsible child. My step father is
Dead and she has a BF. HUGS

PJ1117 10/20/2016

I stopped therapy because we hit a wall. She said "Stop"! When your mother starts complaining about other family members, tell her no. Though I want to argue with my therapist, but she needs me....... yet the cycle continues. Today is one of those days where I just want to move away or dig a hole and bury my head. I wish you the best. And here's some advice I can't take... take care of you!

cachetteen1 10/20/2016

Im reaching 2 years in November also, no contact with my brother- I don't know how not to feel guilty, just remind yourself that u need to put yourself first, and pray your nieces may understand one day your position, they themselves may have to distance from family members in their future. No one knows what the future holds, the truth always rises to the surface... best of luck to u..

FindingMeAgain 10/20/2016

PJ1117 - I've been there. It's really sad to admit that I'm hitting my 40th birthday next month, and it's taken most of my life to have reached the point where enough was enough. Hang in there. There will come a moment when they cross the line you never knew you had, and then you'll be able to put yourself first. It happened slowly with me - telling my mom no or being really honest about how I felt with her. I took little steps, hoping she'd fix herself (she comes from a dysfunctional childhood herself), but she never did and continues not to. For me, I had to reach the point where I was contemplating suicide as a way out of my life before I realized that if the people I love were helping me get there - I needed new people to love. It was terrifying, but every time I stood up for myself, I regained a piece of me. I cry sometimes at how much I lost, but I'm slowly beginning to realize how much I gain by finding myself. Hang in there! You aren't alone!

FindingMeAgain 10/20/2016

Thank you, cachetteen1. You are absolutely right. I'm beginning to understand just how much God was with me during my life. He will be with my nieces, too. Thank you for your support and kind words! Wow! What an awesome community!

Join the Conversation