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Nice v. People Pleaser - by Daylle Deanna Schwartz Daylle is the author of 12 books including Nice Girls Can Finish First and writes the popular blog, Lessons from a Recovering Doormat.
Im a recovering doormat. For years I believed it was necessary to go out of my way to please everyone so theyd like me. When I was one of the first women to start an independent record label, I had to get taken seriously in an industry that was dominated by men used to having their sexual advances accepted in exchange for help. Being a people pleaser got me nowhere. Getting tough made me disliked. Worse, I didnt like me. I slowly found a middle ground and learned the true meaning of being nice.
Most women want to be nice. Many of us were raised to be. NYWICI president Linda Kaplan Thaler talks about The Power of Nice in her bestselling book. But many women cant distinguish between being nice and being a people pleaser.
Its been said that nice guys finish last. They dont. People pleasers finish last. True nice people do finish first. People pleasers think theyre nice and complain about how their niceness isnt reciprocated. I commonly hear versions of:
I give and give but get taken for granted. Why arent nice people appreciated?
I agree to what clients ask for, even at my own expense, sacrifice to please my boss, and put colleagues first, yet I dont get promoted.
This is not nice. Theres a huge difference between a healthy kind of nice and giving yourself away. Its hard for people pleasers to earn respect. They come across as lacking self-respect, which is critical for career advancement.
Nice does not mean always giving in to what other people want or always being agreeable. Nice people are kind to others and themselves too. People pleasers dont set limits on how much to giveand call it nice. But thats buying acceptance with favors. A true nice person gives when she can, selectively.
Redefine nice to mean always being considerate and respectful to others, helping when you can and setting boundaries on what you cant do. Nice people help others in a spirit of kindness when they can, not to please. Nice people are entitled to say no and to address behavior that feels wrong, in a friendly way.
Many women go to opposite extremes after deciding that being nice holds them back. But people dont like working with or for someone on a mission to prove how tough or cutthroat she can be. Living the true definition of a nice person is a middle ground.
I learned to speak in a soft tone that got taken seriously. Think Meryl Streeps character in The Devil Wears Prada, with a smile and friendliness. Once I accepted it was okay to say no, my attitude reflected I was serious. I practiced speaking slower, one octave lower, and enunciated words clearly. This helped to control my emotions and provided some leeway if I got upset.
A soft, friendly tone gets better results than begrudgingly agreeing to everything or being aggressive. I like myself more and others like and respect me more too for who I am. People please are liked for what they do. Becoming a healthy kind of nice attracts positive responses and earns more respect. Now I consider myself a nice girl on top.
Source - http://www.nywici.org/features/blogs/aloud/nice-v-people-pleaser
Lessons from a Recovering Doormat http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/
Im a recovering doormat. For years I believed it was necessary to go out of my way to please everyone so theyd like me. When I was one of the first women to start an independent record label, I had to get taken seriously in an industry that was dominated by men used to having their sexual advances accepted in exchange for help. Being a people pleaser got me nowhere. Getting tough made me disliked. Worse, I didnt like me. I slowly found a middle ground and learned the true meaning of being nice.
Most women want to be nice. Many of us were raised to be. NYWICI president Linda Kaplan Thaler talks about The Power of Nice in her bestselling book. But many women cant distinguish between being nice and being a people pleaser.
Its been said that nice guys finish last. They dont. People pleasers finish last. True nice people do finish first. People pleasers think theyre nice and complain about how their niceness isnt reciprocated. I commonly hear versions of:
I give and give but get taken for granted. Why arent nice people appreciated?
I agree to what clients ask for, even at my own expense, sacrifice to please my boss, and put colleagues first, yet I dont get promoted.
This is not nice. Theres a huge difference between a healthy kind of nice and giving yourself away. Its hard for people pleasers to earn respect. They come across as lacking self-respect, which is critical for career advancement.
Nice does not mean always giving in to what other people want or always being agreeable. Nice people are kind to others and themselves too. People pleasers dont set limits on how much to giveand call it nice. But thats buying acceptance with favors. A true nice person gives when she can, selectively.
Redefine nice to mean always being considerate and respectful to others, helping when you can and setting boundaries on what you cant do. Nice people help others in a spirit of kindness when they can, not to please. Nice people are entitled to say no and to address behavior that feels wrong, in a friendly way.
Many women go to opposite extremes after deciding that being nice holds them back. But people dont like working with or for someone on a mission to prove how tough or cutthroat she can be. Living the true definition of a nice person is a middle ground.
I learned to speak in a soft tone that got taken seriously. Think Meryl Streeps character in The Devil Wears Prada, with a smile and friendliness. Once I accepted it was okay to say no, my attitude reflected I was serious. I practiced speaking slower, one octave lower, and enunciated words clearly. This helped to control my emotions and provided some leeway if I got upset.
A soft, friendly tone gets better results than begrudgingly agreeing to everything or being aggressive. I like myself more and others like and respect me more too for who I am. People please are liked for what they do. Becoming a healthy kind of nice attracts positive responses and earns more respect. Now I consider myself a nice girl on top.
Source - http://www.nywici.org/features/blogs/aloud/nice-v-people-pleaser
Lessons from a Recovering Doormat http://blog.beliefnet.com/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/
Are you concerned about what other people think of you? Do you often make decisions based on what you think will please others? Does your sense of self-worth come from the approval of others? Do you often withhold from sharing what you truly want, think or feel because of fear it may upset someone? Are you often last on your list of priorities? Are you constantly seeking approval and validation from outside sources?
Believe me, you are not alone. Our egos love to be liked, approved and validated. It is natural to want to fit in and not upset others because it feels safer. All it takes is one small experience of feeling criticized, not liked, thinking weve upset someone, or getting tons of praise and validation for making others happy to develop people pleasing as a bad habit.
People pleasing is a terrible investment because it depletes your most valuable resources: your time and energy. Just think about how much energy you waste by obsessing about what other people think of you. Add up all time you lose by engaging and taking actions that are 100% motivated to please someone else and youll see how people pleasing may have become a part-time (or even full-time) job!
Clarification: I am all for being a considerate person, choosing loving actions and being of service. It feels wonderful to love others! But being and acting from love is NOT people pleasing. People pleasing is different because there is an attachment to someone elses reaction and/or a motivation to please in order to avoid an undesired negative response or judgment or get a positive one. Trying to please others is not only a bad investment, it also moves you further and further away from the truth of who you are because you are contorting yourself in order to appease others.
You may think being a people pleaser makes you a good person and is perhaps even a generous or loving way to be. But I strongly disagree. From my point of view its selfish to be a people pleaser. Why? Because being attached to pleasing others is really about you. You are the one who wants to be liked. You are the one who does not want to upset anyone. You are the one who wants to look good for others. You are the one who is not okay with other peoples reactions. You are the one protecting yourself from confrontation. And you are the one who is choosing to withhold expressing who you TRULY are. And by doing all of those things, you are keeping Yourself, your Light and your Love from the world and that is selfish.
Remember this: what other people think of you is none of your business. Obsessing about how to please others or be liked is a misuse of your energy.
Just imagine for a moment what you could create in your life if you even took HALF of the time and energy you invest in people pleasing back? Think of the time youd have to brainstorm about your career, getting your finances in order or nurturing your relationships. Consider the energy youd have to spend on your creative endeavors and overall well-being. And realize the amount of focus you could direct back toward your relationship with yourself and with the Uni-verse. See yourself now reclaiming all that time and energy you expend on being over-responsible for others or working to impress others and refocus it on being of service without attachment, sharing your gifts, taking care of you and expressing your true Self!!!
Trust me, when you do that you will have an overflow from which to give from and you will be able to give without attachment or expectation. That is why on airplanes they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself BEFORE you go to help someone else.
People pleasing is selfish be self-honoring instead.
And remember
No one else determines your worth.
No one else can dictate what you deserve.
Other peoples reactions, responses and feelings are not your responsibility.
Someone elses opinion of you is not the Truth.
Your value does not come from how others perceive you.
What other people think of you is none of your business. YOUR business is between you and your Self and you and the Uni-verse.
Have the courage to stop fearing what other people think of you, your choices, and their reactions. That fear is stopping you from being you and the greatest gift we truly give others is when we share authentically from our heart. And the interesting thing is that the more you like yourself, the more pleasing you will be to other people.
Source - http://thedailylove.com/heres-why-people-pleasing-is-selfish/
Thank you so much for these posts. I found them both really helpful. I especially liked this: Someone elses opinion of you is not the Truth.
Hugs,
Shar