Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I am finally at a point where I have admitted I am co-dependent. My mom has been telling me I have been for eons, but I guess I wasn't ready to really look at it and deal with it. Finally at 41 I am willing to look at it, change the pattern, have healthier relationships where I am no longer the victim, the one who feels like I am "short changed", and have finally decided I am worth it. Hard to admit I am worth it, there are so many years of negative tapes which hinder me from getting out of the murk and mire of my pattern. A lot has to do with this weird sense of "spirituality" where I have set these extreme ideals that I have to be "loving towards everyone, despite themselves, forgive and accept them for who they are", all the while being taken advantage of, manipulated, hurt, and yadda yadda....."poor me" is what I keep hearing myself say then I feel all weak and stupid.
I have seen myself exercise my boundaries throughout all these years-so it isn't like I don't know what they are. But it is that it takes so long for me to get to the point of setting the boundary in a firm way, to the point of total self destruction and as well as moving into anger towards the person for not " knowing my boundaries". Hard to explain, its as if I verbalize my boundaries, but I have attracted a couple people who struggle with Bi Polar, have massive mental issues and take anti-depressants, they deal with major stuff so they have big problems with boundaries. It isn't every friendship I am in, just these select few who I seem to attract-as initially they are really fun, witty, and exciting dynamic people....that turn into a nightmare for me to deal with and consequently all of my co-dependent thinking and mechanism's fire up.
As of today I am dealing with a friendship with someone who has been extremely bold in ignoring my boundaries and we have had a discussion about one particular boundary about 4 or 5 times and I just accepted that I thought she heard me and respected me enough to change the behavior. In retrospect I have realized in reviewing the conversations that she hadn't ever apologize for her behavior and never made any considerations to change the behavior. I just assumed....we know how that goes. further, she not only didn't apologize but she demeaned my feelings, told me I was wrong for having the issue. Wow. That was a really painful realization, and one where the last go around with the same boundary being crossed I have ceased contact.
As of last night I found out she is in the hospital. The things that are coming up for me are; This is the same stuff she was going to the hospital for when we were living together as roommates (the final 6 months of our roommate situation was me living on the edge of her potentially committing suicide, going in and out of the hospital for ulcers/herna) A lot of the issues stem from her poor eating, not seeking medical attention for the physical health issues, deep emotional issues where she stuffs her feelings and pretends "I am ok", not seeking therapy as I have and her family have requested, the list goes on and on. I am frustrated because my co-dependent side says "do the right thing and visit her" and my conscience is saying this is a test of me exercising my new muscle of not being co-dependent any longer and taking care of me. But I am fighting with myself about it. This all feels so familiar of her sucking me into this drama, where I get anxiety worrying about her, coddle her with my mothering instinct and then get sucked back into a terribly unhealthy friendship with undertones of me being resentful because I am being treated like crap.
I asked three friends what I should do but they know everything about the story so I am sure there is a bit of their own opinions attached, one said I "have to" go to the hospital and two say "send a card". I am over here having WWF in my brain about how to not do what is my co-dependent mechanism by running to her rescue, but then feeling resentful towards her not taking care of herself and then not hating myself if I decide I am not going.....uggh. So harsh. Just need to know what to do when you are so co-dependent......Thanks
I have seen myself exercise my boundaries throughout all these years-so it isn't like I don't know what they are. But it is that it takes so long for me to get to the point of setting the boundary in a firm way, to the point of total self destruction and as well as moving into anger towards the person for not " knowing my boundaries". Hard to explain, its as if I verbalize my boundaries, but I have attracted a couple people who struggle with Bi Polar, have massive mental issues and take anti-depressants, they deal with major stuff so they have big problems with boundaries. It isn't every friendship I am in, just these select few who I seem to attract-as initially they are really fun, witty, and exciting dynamic people....that turn into a nightmare for me to deal with and consequently all of my co-dependent thinking and mechanism's fire up.
As of today I am dealing with a friendship with someone who has been extremely bold in ignoring my boundaries and we have had a discussion about one particular boundary about 4 or 5 times and I just accepted that I thought she heard me and respected me enough to change the behavior. In retrospect I have realized in reviewing the conversations that she hadn't ever apologize for her behavior and never made any considerations to change the behavior. I just assumed....we know how that goes. further, she not only didn't apologize but she demeaned my feelings, told me I was wrong for having the issue. Wow. That was a really painful realization, and one where the last go around with the same boundary being crossed I have ceased contact.
As of last night I found out she is in the hospital. The things that are coming up for me are; This is the same stuff she was going to the hospital for when we were living together as roommates (the final 6 months of our roommate situation was me living on the edge of her potentially committing suicide, going in and out of the hospital for ulcers/herna) A lot of the issues stem from her poor eating, not seeking medical attention for the physical health issues, deep emotional issues where she stuffs her feelings and pretends "I am ok", not seeking therapy as I have and her family have requested, the list goes on and on. I am frustrated because my co-dependent side says "do the right thing and visit her" and my conscience is saying this is a test of me exercising my new muscle of not being co-dependent any longer and taking care of me. But I am fighting with myself about it. This all feels so familiar of her sucking me into this drama, where I get anxiety worrying about her, coddle her with my mothering instinct and then get sucked back into a terribly unhealthy friendship with undertones of me being resentful because I am being treated like crap.
I asked three friends what I should do but they know everything about the story so I am sure there is a bit of their own opinions attached, one said I "have to" go to the hospital and two say "send a card". I am over here having WWF in my brain about how to not do what is my co-dependent mechanism by running to her rescue, but then feeling resentful towards her not taking care of herself and then not hating myself if I decide I am not going.....uggh. So harsh. Just need to know what to do when you are so co-dependent......Thanks
Your boundaries are FOR YOU, not for others. When someone begins to violate your boundaries, you have to hold strong on your boundaries. If they continually ignore your boundaries or try to break through them, it is time to walk away because they are not a person who has boundaries of their own and are not "friend" material. You cannot fix or change others--you can only fix and change you and the way you react to them and sometimes you have to walk away from them for good.
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Welcome. I struggle with the same type of questions too. I disagree with the friend who tells you that you "have to" go visit. Of course you don't - you did not cause this person to be admitted to the hospital. I think it's ok if you don't do anything about this right now. You are not hoping to this person and all their baggage back into your life at this point, and visiting or even sending a card would send that message. You can send your regards through a mutual acquaintance who does have contact, or just not say anything about it at all, and there's no need to explain yourself or your motives to anyone else.
That says a lot.
Are you upset because she didn't listen to you, or because you weren't validated???
I'd be inclined to go to her in the hospital and say, "Told you so."
Not really, but you know what I mean.
I think she's a physical metaphor for how you've been emotionally.
Think about it...
AsTimeGoesBy, while I do think you are spot on I do blame others for not knowing my boundaries, but it is because I don't feel as though they are listening or acknowledging them when I say it outloud to them....not expecting ESP that is foolish. But I agree she is no "friend" material at this point.
11Christmases, I am totally appreciative of your validation of what I decided to do yesterday. I just did nothing. I couldn't bring myself to be inauthentic with sending a card, going to visit, reaching out. I care and am sorry she is in the hospital, but not enough to do anything about it.
DeliAnnem, I think I am upset about both honestly, but frankly more at myself than even at her. I mean after 4 or 5 times of having the conversation it feels so blatant at this point that it is my fault for continuing to believe it would change.....so that is where I am now choosing to make a change, and trying to dig myself out of the pattern of putting on my cape and running to the rescue while she is in the hospital......I think I made a step in the right direction coming on here....airing it out....doing nothing...and these responses are helpful to me to steer me into healthier behavior for the future.
I am hopeful that in my relationships if people cross my boundaries after maximum 2 times of asking for the same thing "I get it" and will move on without them. We shall see....my loyalist self stands in the way a lot.....but I am willing to look at it and face it now that I am totally codependent.....what a Happy Friday :) HAHAHAHA Thanks a lot for your replies, they are really meaningful!!
I didn't mean to upset you- I was just being my out of the box self. But if I struck a nerve that makes you examine things, then good! : )
You know the definition of insanity, right? So if after 2 times, you see that pattern emerge, then just walk away, since it's about them, and you can't expect to do the same thing but expect different results.
Good luck!
You are spot on that is exactly why I did the name, I love that Paul Simon song, and I saw so much "CoDa" stuff so it made me think of that :) Thanks again for the insight. I think you are spot on with the suggestion of it being a physical manifestation of my emotions...totally spot on!
Sometimes, the dx can help a lot. It validates why certain things are so difficult when others around us seem to do the same things so easily.
Just keep saying to yourself, "Now that I know more, I can do better."
Just don't let this vampire friend be your "Ceclia!"
Hugs.
I call this the "Pennies in Heaven" model. It's frustrating when you turn 40+ and discover that there are no bank accounts full of good deeds in heaven. By then the "saving pennies for heaven" is more or less a bad habit.
Why is it a bad habit?
Because you can automatically ignore the fact you are not being respected. And that's bad for you. That's what causes all the frustration. Lack of respect.
They say respect must be earned. It's initiated by giving it away at first, but if no respect flows back to you, then you need to treat it like water. Yeah, like water. Think of it like water.
If your sick friend came to your house and asked for a glass of water, you would give her it., wouldn't you?
If she wanted to wash her hands, you would allow it, wouldn't you?
And if she were a close friend, you'd let her shower, wash her hair, heck even jump in your swimming pool if you had one, right?
But what if you came to her house, and asked for a glass of water, and she says, "NO!"? Not just once, but every time you come there. Everytime you ask for even a small glass of water, she says, "NO!"
Would you still let her use your swimming pool?
Respect works the very same way.
When you offer her help, and she ignores you, she is not giving you respect. She asks you for advice, then she ignores it. It's no different than asking you for a glass of water, then pouring it on your carpet.
You're frustrated because you respect her, but she doesn't respect you (or hardly anyone for that matter). So stop respecting her, until she learns that respect works like water.
Great analogy. Visually and mentally this really speaks to me. My brain can be very literal so with things being so "unseen" it is hard to grasp a concept fully, well then of course then execute it. So this analogy helps me to put into a literal term that I can tangibly visualize. Very Helpful!! Thanks :)
i have been trying to implement boundaries, communication, and respect towards my boyfriend. you can't get anything across from an addict (not an addict in drugs, sex, etc just computers is the prob) it has to be something that needs to be done not sure why. i find it difficult all because boundaries and what not wasn't taught or looked at as a good thing growing up. i always kept quiet about it mostly because it results in nasty verbal fighting, why does that always happen?
i went through the steps in my packet on speaking out on your feelings and the consequences if something isn't followed. it doesn't seem to do anything to my boyfriend his mom always get so mad at him because he aint doing xyz.
I am taking baby steps with learning to say no.....I will cross that bridge when I am a little more comfortable in the saying "no" shoes.....
Just the thought of that makes me feel anxious....that outta tell ya something!
However, you are so right!! Can't wait to get there, as I am sure it is super liberating. I am not saying I am not going to try it, but just saying that I am not gonna beat myself up if I blow it on that one HAHAHAHAHA :)