Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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rlb79 05/21/2013

*SIGH* Hello fellow group members....I'm new to the group and hoping to find some support from people with similar experiences. A little background - I'm 34 years old, single mother of one child, and up until just very recently I've been wondering if I'm losing my mind....feeling anxiety like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can't take a full breath. I went to the Dr. and she tossed a Xanax prescription at me...I don't want to take Xanax if I don't have to. I want to get to the root of my anxiety and fix it. I'm otherwise functional, work full time, I also am a photographer and graphic artist. I have friends and hobbies, I recently started eating clean and really working out a lot which has helped as well. Since I wasn't thrilled about the xanax prescription I made an appt. to see a counselor - who told me that within 10 minutes of speaking to me he determined I'm a "Classic ACA" (Adult child of an alcoholic). I was confused at first, my dad drinks but when I think of an alcoholic I think of someone who can't get up in the morning without having a drink, someone who has the shakes and is falling over drunk most of the time. But I'm learning that's not true. My dad is also functional - he works and provides for the family still living in the home (not me, I'm on my own), he drinks, and he's dabbled in drugs in the past. He also has an anger issue which has turned into full blown rages over the years from time to time. He's been emotionally as well as physically abusive to my Mom. I've never seen it but I've been the one to pick her up and "rescue" her when he loses his temper. I've seen him lose his temper several times even though he never touched me. At this point in my life, 34 years old, I'm just now starting to see that my upbringing was sick and dysfunctional, and that my Mom and Dad are in denial. It saddens me. I'm beggining to see that my anxiety comes from YEARS worth of pent up emotions, fears, frustrations. YEARS of walking on egg shells and being on edge about what would happen next. I remember feeling my anxiety levels start to rise even just hearing them disagree....never knowing if it would escalate to something scary. I am definitely co-dependent and I need help to break the behaviors of codependency. Always wanting to fix things, overcompensating for everyone else and neglecting myself, having trouble saying no to anyone, not having the ability to assert myself, a HUGE people pleaser. I'm starting to see now that to be giving isn't bad if I do it when I want to, not when I feel like I have to. I still have the anxiety that I carry around with me like a backpack.....I hope through this therapy for codependency I can finally breathe deeper and be at peace. The hardest thing is going to be for me to "let go" and not worry so much about my Mom. I worry about her daily, wondering if she's ok, or if my dad might snap one day out of anger and hurt her. It's hard....Last night I watched a short video of a live Al-Anon meeting - and just hearing what the group had to say about themselves made me cry. Partly because FINALLY I can relate to someone else, partly because it hit me that my upbringing was so messed up and hurtful. I'm ashamed of it. It's embarassing. I want to feel proud of myself no matter where I came from - and that's what I'm working towards....

deleted_user 05/22/2013

Xanax Is narcotic. All of my alki became addicted to them and abused them. Im not a doctor..but Ive lived with people that used them and gotten worst. I lived it 24/7. It was a nightmair for me.

Yes, what Im going through at the moment...My feel stress, I feel anxieties and roller coaster..I feel like I have ptsd.

rlb79 05/22/2013

I agree with you 100%, I know people who abuse it, and others who use it responsibly. For me personally, I want to fix the issues I'm having by doing the self work. I don't want to take a pill and hope it goes away. I did not fill the prescription....I still have the anxiety but I am proud to say I am not chemically dependent on anything. I don't drink or smoke or do any other drugs. I exercise regularly and lead a pretty normal and productive life. I just want to rid myself of this anxiety/stress/shame/codependency and I'm actually very happy to discover why I have it to begin with. Now that I know it stems from my childhood experiences, I can start the healing. And hopefully help others in the process.....

hbgdaystar 05/22/2013

Hugs

Its okay to feel what you are feeling...
it was overwhelming for me to see my family is dysfunctional too..

Something that helps me is to understand what my parents did was what they knew... they tried..

Famous louise hay affirmation

" i have compassion for my parents childhoods.i now know i chose them because they were perfect for what i had to experience and understand."

This helps me overcoming victim in me and being responsible for myself here on.

rlb79 05/22/2013

@hbgdaystar, thank you so much for the support. Being on daily strength is helping quite a bit, even if it's just reading other stories and experiences like mine. My Mom has told me and my two younger siblings that she did her best and she did what she thought was right. And I know she did. I don't feel frustrated or angry with her, more worried for her future now that we are all grown and she will be alone with my Dad. My siblings and I all worry about that. But again, it's her choice to stay there....

deleted_user 05/22/2013

You described almost exactly my upbringing (and, sadly, that of my children) except for the physical abuse. My father too was a functioning alcoholic and was verbally abusive to me and my mother. My mother never said a word when he laid into me, other than "better you than me." She finally divorced him when I was 17, but the damage was already done. I too was ashamed of my upbringing, but not anymore because it has made me who I am (not just the code, but who I am altogether). It is a huge awakening to actually have a name and description put to the way you are feeling. It takes lots of hard work to learn to work through code tendencies, but it will produce a better you in the end. The hardest part I find about therapy is really opening up and actually feeling my feelings, because I have stuffed them deep down inside for so long. I don't like to feel pain, or be afraid, so I go through life not really feeling anything at all. It's no way to live, and I'm working through it slowly. Welcome to DS!

rlb79 05/22/2013

Thanks cheryt! I feel a sense of belonging here on DS which is something I've never felt. Always felt "different" like everyone else is normal, and then there's me. Now being on DS I feel much better. The upbringing like ours was definitely hard and painful but I'm learning not to allow it to define me as an adult. Thanks for the support!

deleted_user 05/23/2013

what Ivd been doing is processing a lot of my feelings. I feel very
stressed at times. The more I process my feelings...the sooner it'll
flow through me.
I also use EFT (tapping). I also use the Sedona method.
It helps me to release or let go of negative emotions.

I had to numb out as a child to survive.
Living with addicts/aclholic....Im used to walking on eggshells,
stuffing my emotions or getting cutted off when im in the middle
of expressing my feelings.....

Sometimes I use deep breathing exercise to help me calm
down. Sometimes, I'll just take a cook shower. What that dose
is help cool down my brain's temperature

I also do a lot of positive self talk.

b5 and b12 also promotes good mood. So sometimes
it's just as simple as eating healthy. My diet isn't consistant
of these vitimins

I also practice lots of Abraham Hicks teachings. It's LOA stuff...
but more important to me was..She gave simple instructions
that I can use...Simply just pivot or refocus from negative to positive.
The more positive thoughts I focus upon..the more positive feelings
I'll feel. It goes hand in hand with making a gratitude list...
Anything to trigger positive feelings inside of me.

I need to get my life back..and it starts with my thoughts and feelings. I have control over my own thoughts and feelings...

Which id totally backward to what an addict/alki wants when
they're manipulating and dragging your emotions through the mud.

It's a lot better than living with an addict/alcoholic that's abusing
me or baggering me....

rlb79 05/23/2013

@satit, I agree completely! I am having to retrain my brain and thought processes for almost everything. I've also been meditating which is helpful once I learned the technique. At first I couldn't get my thoughts to stop racing and couldn't focus, but I'm getting better with time. I was also interrupted when in the middle of expressing my feelings so I know how that feels. And, like you I've been allowing myself to feel the feelings I should have felt long ago. Anger, sadness, shame, etc. I'm letting it all out as it bubbles up inside of me and releasing my negativity with each time it happens. I just want to live peacefully and not worry about everything or everyone. I'm trying to take one day at a time and focus on today - not looking too far down the road and launching myself into a panic. Calming the mind and focusing on myself. Praying for those I cannot control or change. My Dr. also told me I need to cut out the stress in my life, which in some cases is just not possible. But he did say that if there is any unnecessary stress or people in my life that are bringing me down - I need to either cut them out or distance myself. I've already been doing that. So....each day is a new day with a fresh outlook.

deleted_user 05/24/2013

Our feelings comes from inside of us....

Some more tools Ive learned.
Sometimes I just allow myself to feel as if I have everything I want
out of life already. Ive won already. Ive arrived already...
Basically proactively trigger positive feelings inside of me myself.

It's the feeling we're after. That's why we enable or love earned..
We became dependent on other's actions. To make things right.
To stop using...ect. But that never happens.

So by proactively triggering positive feelings inside of ourselves
first. we become more independent. We know our happy thoughts
and feelings comes from within ourselves.
Reprogaming , reconditioning or reparenting ourselves.

It takes practice and some effort in our part. But it's not impossible.
It's actually easier and faster than waiting for an addict to get straight.
I'm not very good at it because I still fall back into my old habits
but at least I catch myself or have positive healthy living tools
and coping skills today.

rlb79 05/24/2013

I agree! I catch myself too....it's a good feeling even though it's hard work. I am able to catch and reverse what would normally be a codepenedent behavior or tendency. Eventually (someday) it will be the new way of life.

deleted_user 05/27/2013

Great Post! Thanks, for sharing that with us. I think you might be in the right department. Be prepared for growth and learning new ways of dealing with your current and past life. Things you ignored or covered over may come to light. They may at times seem overwhelming, but they too are growth. I cried like a baby sometimes in the beginning, I know now they are cathartic purges of the past. I never allowed myself to feel.

"Keep coming back it works if you work it."

rlb79 05/27/2013

@hamsteronawheel - OMG thank you for your reply. Yesterday and today have been hard days for me, I've cried on and off with no real "trigger" moment that I can pinpoint. I've been sitting her thinking, why am I crying or feeling this overwhelming emotion right now? But you're so right! I have purged my feelings for years. Stuffed them deep down inside in an effort to appear strong and reliable for my Mom and younger siblings. Looking back now, I never had anyone I could lean on or cry to. I didn't want to make my Mom feel bad because she's gone through enough, and my younger siblings look to me for support. I myself have not really had a support system and now that I'm at this point in life, I am able to let my feelings out and relate to others - something I have never felt or been able to do. Thank you for bringing some clarity to the way I've been feeling. I guess the emotions that have been suppressed all this time just creep up when they want to!

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