Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Im not here to ruffle any feathers I 've been a member of DS for a few years, I usually post in the Infidelity room, my H had an affair a few years ago... Ok... I've been struggling wiht understanding Co-Depndency, not with myself persay, though I do fit the criteria. more for informational purposes for myself... .
I was upset over the whole co dependency issue b/c I feel that a friend of mine best friend of 20+ years told me and eveyrone else in her life that she is co dependent. Ok ,didnt thinik much of it ... I was supportive of her, she was seeking help, now I get the feeling that shes put me in the group with people that shes tried to fix over the years ,and that our friendhips was based on lies, now I have never asked her to fix anything in my life for me ' we met when we were 14, its been 23 years,
Im really not trying to sound snarky I just would like some insight that this is a process for her in healing, I dont know ,but shes telling me that shes lived a lie her whole life, she was always pushed into things ,or things people expected of her I dont know what that means becaused to me and all her other friends, she was always this strong willed very out spoken, out going ,highly intelligent woman who went to college right after HS to become an Engineer now shes saying that she didnt wany any of it , to get married , have kids ,Her H was abusive/Narcissistic her parents are Narcissistic, and she is saying now that everyone is mad at her because she is no longer living the lie or keep the lie going , now shes drinking all the time and she is on quite a bit of medication, she left her H for another man, who left his wife for her , a total 180 ...
To me its almost as if she regressed back to when we were teenagers... she keeps tossing this co dependency at eveyrone in her life ,that shes tired of fixing everyones problems,
I was upset over the whole co dependency issue b/c I feel that a friend of mine best friend of 20+ years told me and eveyrone else in her life that she is co dependent. Ok ,didnt thinik much of it ... I was supportive of her, she was seeking help, now I get the feeling that shes put me in the group with people that shes tried to fix over the years ,and that our friendhips was based on lies, now I have never asked her to fix anything in my life for me ' we met when we were 14, its been 23 years,
Im really not trying to sound snarky I just would like some insight that this is a process for her in healing, I dont know ,but shes telling me that shes lived a lie her whole life, she was always pushed into things ,or things people expected of her I dont know what that means becaused to me and all her other friends, she was always this strong willed very out spoken, out going ,highly intelligent woman who went to college right after HS to become an Engineer now shes saying that she didnt wany any of it , to get married , have kids ,Her H was abusive/Narcissistic her parents are Narcissistic, and she is saying now that everyone is mad at her because she is no longer living the lie or keep the lie going , now shes drinking all the time and she is on quite a bit of medication, she left her H for another man, who left his wife for her , a total 180 ...
To me its almost as if she regressed back to when we were teenagers... she keeps tossing this co dependency at eveyrone in her life ,that shes tired of fixing everyones problems,
1 more thing ... how do you differentiate between being a friend or being co dependent?
You usually find yourself down, figure something out, then go more down and up and down and this keeps happening until...well...I don't know when. It sounds like you are pretty sound in your path, and honest with life...and honest means having your insides, outsides and what you want all match up. It sounds like your friend doesn't feel like she's been really honest...that her wants were one thing, her outside was another and as a result her insides felt pretty tore up.
My parents had money, I got to do anything and everything that apprently other children did not get to, I was "smart" and "outgoing" and "driven" and it was only because I decided at a very young age that my parents were disconnected (dysfunctional and on the verge of a second divorce, adding to that a major car accident that left my mom near death and disabled for a long time) that I had to be all of these things in order to get love from them.
They pulled the whole "well we didn't have these opportunities when we were your age and think how lucky you are to be doing this"? Yeah, I think back and wonder...why did I have to be in Future Business Leaders of America or make the high school soccer team full of brats or play golf to get a scholarship in college, or participate in this public speaking contest? Cause not as an adult, I see that I did these things for other people, to make sure they would keep on loving me, and not because I really wanted to. And after I did these things, and didn't do the best or made it obvious I didn't care, my parents would lay on the guilt about "don't you want to be something one day?". Oh yeah, mine were totally the "This daughter is going to be the doctor and this one the lawyer."
Growing up under pressure from your family to perform is not love. And when you become an adult it is very hard to reason out why you made all your choices...in fact it sounds like your friend is kinda close to somewhere I am...making a long list of everything I have done in life while trying to figure out if I did them for me or for someone else, and even if I did them for someone else, did I feel happy because of it, and if so I can mark it off as a safe experience.
That being said, I do not think you should use codependency as a crutch. It sounds like you have known this person for a long time. After going through your life and looking back and thinking about all the things you felt forced into doing, you can suddenly feel like you are no one...and reading about codependency can suddenly make you feel like someone and I think it's really easy to fall prey into overdoing it in the other direction.
This girl just wants to know she is controlling her life...not some fear of not being loved. Its a sad and lonely place to be. And she isn't questioning whether or not the two of you have had a good relationship or not, she just wants to prove to herself that she does care about you and didn't just become part of your life out of fear. You sound like a great friend for caring about her and getting on here to ask some questions about her and to try and salvage your relationship.
Maybe you guys just need some space. I try to know when I am being volatile and let people know so they can have some space from my craziness, but not everyone is good at this. You want to push the whole world away from you because it suddenly does appear that it was all a lie and at the same time grab it all up and not let it go. She should get on here and talk to some people. We'd love to have her.
I think if you have/will share all those great things you said about her, with her it would really do wonders. I fit the exact description you mentioned...but do you really think everyone is that way all the time and doesn't deserve to have feelings of inadequacy or sadness or rebellion? Look at it this way...for the past 20 years, she hasn't had a taste of that and now...it's all catching up with her. I wouldn't really want to be in her path either! But knowing is half the battle.
As I said, you are a great friend. Thanks for sharing and have a great weekend! :)
Everyone should be allowed to act on their own accord, at their own speed in life, even if it doesn't meet your standards. If you find yourself "helping" someone along who just can't seem to do this or that, you are not actually helping them, you are hindering. Struggle is part of life, for them and for you dealing with not helping them through it.
Codependency seeks to stop other people from messing up, living a real life, figuring things out for themselves in their own time. ***You want to control the other person so YOU don't feel bad inside, but will disguise this under the "I don't want this person to feel bad or be hurt."***
(And most of this comes from first family/family of origin issues that have not been dealt with. Like, say I watched my mom struggle with dealing with my non responsive and unloving dad and this hurt me..now when my husband acts non responsive and unloving, I am reminded of this pain and I step in to "help him be a better person" to try and prevent hurt from welling up in me from long ago, even though my husband is just having a moment and isn't unreachable like my dad...thus the pattern starts and continues. See how I couldn't really be a friend to my husband because I am trying to make some old feeling in me dissipate and thus can't really understand what my husband needs?)
I am co-dependent and as much as I it hurts to say it, co-dependence (for me anyway) has some really selfish aspects. I felt like I was responsible for changeing people. I felt like my friends and family would only benifit from every therapy milestone I made. I actually remember thinking I was "selfish" if I didn't try to drag all my friends and family allong my path to redemption. How could I leave them behind!!
I now understand that it is niether my right or responsibility to change anyone. If people want to know they will ask. I will be happy to share my journey but I must know that their journey will not be the same. (if they feel they need such a journey :)
A lot of the books I reading say not to go overboard with recovery because you can become a selfish, uncaring person. Or worse you become the one with the problem that others are trying to care for.
Good luck. It seems you really care about her.
Honestly, I don't know if things can ever be the same between us again. I feel as if she violated a trust between us by meddling in matters that didn't concern her - even though I recognize I have done the same with others in the past.
I agree with those who say you might need space from this. And I must warn you - it might take a while for things to feel the same again between you two.
To answer your question - friend vs. codependent? The way I see it is - friends listen. Friends do not judge. Friends offer advice and suggestions when asked. Friends support you in your decisions without judging, even if they might not agree with you. Friends trust your strength and your ability to stand on your own. Codependents try to "fix" you, control you, always have "the right answers" for your problems. Friends accept you for who you are, warts and all.
At least those are my thoughts.