Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Need some support and reassurance

UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
It' has been a while since I was here - so - A little background - I am 41 and a Co-dependent (Ugh) with divorces, unhealthy relationships, etc. I keep myself in check most of the time but the "crazies"come back from time to time and when they return they return with force. This is one of those weeks. I am hanging on by a thread. I am a single mom of a beautiful, smart, and challenging 9 year old girl. We butt heads often! this week has been especially tough because I am spinning over my boyfriend (year and a half relationship) who has a new job. He has been working for himself in remodeling since we began dating. Now he is working for a company and has regular hours. One would think this would be good. Yes, it is - but for a co-dependent can be scary. We typically talk for a couple hours each night (we live an hour apart) This week I spoke with him Monday night then not again until last night for about 20 mins in the car. I am feeling needy and worried this week because our contact has not been the norm.You know, a few text here and there. I know why this is - new job and adjustments.I'm afraid he won't "need me" now. My need to feel wanted and needed has kicked in and I am fighting it hard. I called his phone a few times Wed. and it went straight to VM. Again - new job - dead phone - fell asleep. We spoke last night for a bit but never got back n the phone later as we said we would. I know this but I still spin in 100 directions, What if? What did I do? Is he avoiding me? I have kept myself in check as far as crazy contact. I may be "losing it" at the moment but he does not need to know that. Yes- I know I sounds crazy but I know those who "get it" can help me with some calming words. Thank you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Time to re-examine your fears. What are you afraid of when it comes to him? That he'll leave you? (if so, then wish him well because we should never want to keep someone around that doesn't want to be with us); that he's cheating? (if so, see above); that he doesn't need you anymore? (that's good - you can concentrate on yourself then); that he won't have time for you? (then you have free time to do other stuff that you enjoy). Fear is a big driving force in codependency. Once you identify your fears, you can think through each scenario to see how it might play out. In any scenario you are still you, and you still get to live a full life, it may just not include this particular person. If you have your whole being wrapped up in this relationship, then it's time to get some separation and do things just for you that make you happy, on your own. We can't rely on others to make us happy; that comes from within.
deleted_user
deleted_user
What scares me is having somebody in my life who "needs me desparately". Doesn't mean I'd not want anything to do with the person. But the guilt that could come of me dying before the other person makes me sound like a monster in my own ears at times. I sense that you are very anxious as a person in this relationship. You need to talk to your friend about your feelings and ask for assurrance of where he is at in regards to his feelings toward you so that you can relax and enjoy him. But you have no control over him. You can't ,make him feel such and such because he loves you or be there 24/7 to assure you he really loves you. You will need personal activities of your own to keep your mind occupied when he is not around. The "What if" tends to mess up a lot of wonderful things in relationships and in other forms of living. Sounds like you need more confidence. And to learn that you ARE lovable.
deleted_user
deleted_user
i agree wholeheartedly with cheryt...seems things are out of balance, so that now that you don't have as much time with him, or access to him, your ground feels shaky. You can actually look at this change as an opportunity to "grow" some on your end...let yourself feel the anxiety of not hearing from him and yet do not react by texting and calling. Focus on "you" and that beautiful daughter and try very hard not to let your anxiety ruin your alone time with her or yourself. Like cheryt says, (concentrate on yourself) and I love what she also advises, to play each scenario out and in the end you are still "you" and you get to live a full life...its amazing, when you think about it that way...you start to see your life as the focus, not your life with him as the focus. At the same time, I completely empathize with how you feel..for us codependents, change is scary, we are afraid to lose that connection, but then again, i thnk that it just means we are still putting too much emphasis on someone else making us happy and needed. For myself, I have been "practicing" at focusing on myself. When I feel those feelings of discomfort, almost like what an addict would feel without their drug, I know its time to turn my focus inward so that now, it almost is a relief, a vacation from my obsession. I am starting to enjoy this freedom of mind. It is empowering. Once you start to look at it this way, you are feeling more in control and that feels really good.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Under: I agree with everyone else that posted and you've gotten some really great advice.

I wanted to also mention that when your anxiety begins to grow and you begin to text and want a connection 24/7, unfortunately it can become too clingy for some partners and end the relationship. So please consider that too and that you want to remember that your partner needs space. I know when I worked, most employers felt personal calls were not okay, but allowed them when absolutely necessary (when kids were sick, doctor's, etc.), and your calls would not be absolutely necessary. So please try to understand.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
Thank you all for your replies. I revisited this post after the holiday which always seems to put we codependents in a tailspin. I am actually hanging on pretty well. After Thanksgiving we spent the weekends with our kids (separately). Instead of waiting for the phone to ding or ring I got up and did stuff. My daughter and I spent the weekend together and filled it with fun filled activities. No worries - I have gotten pretty grounded with the no crazy text approach haha .Except for one time when I sent him a pic of my daughter with Santa (reciprocated from the ones he sent me two days before) I only responded to text (except for one good night one). No - I miss you, what are you doing, where are you? - nothing like that- believe me I have been there and done that in my past - not good! . I never picked up the phone to call. We can all let out a little chuckle because as codependents we have all been there. Thanks for your support and advice. Reminders are invaluable!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow, you actually did great. It sounds like you have come a long way and used some ways to help yourself and did very well. Congrats.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Forgot to mention---I'm proud of you for putting in the effort to make change.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
Thank you - it's not easy - but i do try!! :-/ I called and talked to him for a while last night. He is super stressed about his job so I am trying to lay low - when all i want to do is ask if we are ok? ugh!