Hello mysteryman.

Here are some suggestions:

1) Go to CoDa or Al-Anon meetings.

2) Get a Sponsor to help you (from CoDa or Al-Anon).

3) Work the 12-Steps.

4) Keep going to those meetings!

5) Do things that you like, by yourself. I want to get a bicycle
and ride around. I enjoy reading books and poetry. I am
going to learn something new!

6) Take good care of yourself!

7) Read books about codependency.


Love,
heathercliff

I agree with "HeatherCliff" above, and the first thing you need to do is to find God.

A "higher power" can be okay so long as it is a higher power over your self and over your relationship.

The only true respectful way to tell your girlfriend (or BF) of saying "no" is to say that it is a sin or that God does not approve, and that is the way to base your "yes" in that God says we do this or that.

Only God has the authority to rise above and to over rule a personal relationship between any two people or between you and billions of people.

12 steps - step 3:
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."

I realize that we live in a heathen world where religions are confused and so many people are mocking and sinful, but that is why we each need to create a personal one-on-one relationship with God because that gives us our personal power and it is the basis for creating the most needed of boundaries with our loved one and with our society.

Call God by any name = Buddha, Allah. Jesus, Nature, Spirit.

That may not be the only way but it is a certain way, and I say it is the best way and I see it as the only way to truly succeed.

People often make an idol (a higher power) out of the GF or BF as if your girlfriend saved your life, when in fact it was God who brought you 2 together, and she herself must not be your salvation or your savior.

Start by reading the Bible from front to back - then you will have an understanding for which to base your own 3rd step.

Hy mysterman: For those who are atheist or of other religions, when they go to the meetings, they usuallly substitute the world "Good" for "God" and that is how they get real meaning for them out of the CODA or Al-Anon meetings.

find things that you like to do and do them. dont live through someone else you loose yourself.

I HEAR YA, mysteryman. I'm a mom and a wife. My hobbies include driving my kids around, caring for my kids, feeding my kids, etc. My recovering alcoholic husband is a fireman that works 24 hours shifts so I am the primary caregiver to my kids ALOT. Anytime that I have free, I sleep. I don't think you can count that as a hobby though. Haha. I just don't have the time to devote to finding my "innerselfness".
I am struggling, myself, with the "take care of you" portion of being a recovering codependent. I've been thinking about what I like to do for so long now and still got nothing. I feel for you. It makes you feel insecure and less of a person than your partner because they have hobbies and relationships.
Sorry to say, I can't offer any advice. Just thought you would like to know you arent' alone.

This is actually very common. We really must do the work to find a life independent of our significant others. I too find it hard to do anything for myself while working full time and taking care of my kids. Most evenings I just flop on the couch because I'm exhausted. However, I don't do that because I'm living through someone else. I truly enjoy just relaxing on my own and doing nothing at times!

I have the same problem, especially when I'm in a relationship with someone with a strong personality and a lot of their own interests. My therapist suggested I try MeetUp.com which is a site for people with common interests to get together and do things. It ISN'T a dating site

For me, MeetUp feels like an absolute gift from God. I've found a hiking group there that I absolutely LOVE. There are dining meetups, movie meetups, chess meetups, and knitting meetups among others. The people I've met have all been wonderful and welcoming. I just make it a point to not talk about my problems and try to ask three people three questions about themselves or their interests.

It's a weird feeling for me to be independent of others. I've had a few moments like this in my life before - where I suddenly felt grown up or like I was finally a real person of my own. But, I think I've FINALLY started to see myself in relation to the CoDa and like I'm free to truly enjoy life like all those other people I've been just a little jealous of all these years.

I have tried meetup in the past and loved it but since I have been dating the person I with I stoppped, going need to start going again.

It's even more important for you to keep going now that you're in a relationship because you know your tendency is to give up your life for yoru significant other. This will be smothering to her. Get back into the group and maintain your independence. It will serve you well in the long run.