It sounds a little like you might be angry at yourself for these behaviors learned in childhood. Being angry at yourself just reinforces negative behaviors. By stopping the anger, you give your brain time and space to change the behavior.

It is generally best to simply notice each time you are thinking or acting like your girlfriend is your mother.
Don't judge, just notice.
Notice when you are being or feeling passive - aggressive.
This gives you time and space to allow these things to change.

When you force yourself to do something different, it is similar to being forced to be codependent as a child. Your brain stores that sort of behavior in the same place as the codependent behaviors. Thus, you end up really reinforcing everything that you are trying to get rid of by reinforcing the nervous system pathways to those memories and behaviors instead of reinforcing new behaviors and thinking.

I am not certain how to explain it, but by my understanding that is another aspect of being controlling, which is a main ingredient of the codependency.

Much like passive-aggressive is a sly form of aggression.

When we give other people control over our self then we are really being in control of the relationship.

As I said I am not certain how to explain it, but my understanding is that by giving the other person control then we see that as pleasing them (people-pleasing) and that is what we as codependent really want to control - the feelings.

We give control over the relationship to the other person - so then we can control the other person's feelings.

There really is an old 1967 book about that concept of talking to a person as from parent to child, and talking child to parent, and or talking as equal to equal, and the book is titled = "I'm Okay, Your Okay".

That book is not very well written by today's standard, but the message it gives is very significant.

Wow :) thank you both so much for the support!

Hi. You talked with us before in June and didn't mention this. You both are in counseling, you have OCD, you have left her 4 times and you both use leaving as a threat against the other.

No one wants to have sex with a partner who sees them as their parent. This is going to eventually end your relationship because the burden you're now placing upon her of making her responsible for your happiness, for all your needs, for your fun--that's too heavy a burden and so unhealthy. It makes you responsible for nothing about yourself. You forget about her needs and wants.

This has gotten worse and is really beyond what any lay person can help you with and ultimately you have to work with your therapist and determine that you are doing to stop all this and it's up to you to help yourself.

Continue in counseling and tell all of this to your therapist. You are doing your girlfriend no favor but doing all this to her. She obviously has trouble setting boundaries, but you're taking advantage of her and getting passive-aggressive with her is just abuse.

As always, AsTimeGoesBy points out information which clarifies the situation very well. She clearly has be following your situation with great care. She speaks truth about needing professional help now.

Leaving and threats to leave are passive aggressive. They never lead to health on relationships.

Please seek help so you can have love in your life. That will bring you greater joy.

She is dragging in things from the person's past, and from their own business.

As such she is violating their boundary.

What she said was not her business to say.

And it does not matter whether the other person is injured by it or not, or whether they object to it or not, as it is still a violation of their boundary - their personal space.

Just FYI, for those who want to see and who want to know such things.

Booky those are your rules and not D.S.'s rules.

We have to be aware that some people here are desperately trying to run from their own codependent issues. They use projection to try and claim those issues belong to others to avoid facing them within themselves.

Every time one claims you have no right to speak or share, they are projecting their own violations of others boundaries onto you.
it is always easier to see a problem in someone else instead of admit that one still has issues.

ATGB,

I did not say nor mean breaking any rules, and especially not any DS rule, as I am not trying to control you.

I was referring to a personal boundary violation, as in the recovery of codependency.

It was only said for the benefit of anyone who wants to understand such a dysfunction, and then to learn by it.

QUOTE = "Making remarks about any of these things - anything that has to do with "who a person is" - is an emotional boundaries violation. Intentions don't matter when it comes to trespassing someone's emotional boundaries; only the effect the words had on the person matter."
Link = http://codependentboundaries.blogspot.com/2008/08/personal-boundaries-laura-busch.html

I am only here to discuss the issues of codependency, and I do not report anyone to the DS moderators because I never ever see that as appropriate.

It was said to be helpful, and not to do harm.

It's a blog by someone who doesn't identify themselves. My cat writes a journal, but I wouldn't suggest following her advice either.

A,

I do not want you to get the idea that I am picking on you - as that is not my intention.

It is not the blog or the journal that is talking to you, as it is just a DS member named "Booky" who is here talking about the codependency to you.

I do not say to follow its advice and I do not say to follow my own advice - no, as I am suggesting that you (and anybody else) look at it for your self and see that it was a boundary violation.

My advice is that you believe your own eyes and your own judgement, while both myself and the link are just trying to help anyone with the dysfunctions associated with the codependency.

I am not trying to get you or anyone into a trap or a trick.
===========================

I really see this like applying to the opening comment too, in that the girlfriend is acting like the mother and vice-versa, which means they too are violating the boundary lines.

That is not an insult or a cut-down as it is just a part of recovery - for those that want it.

Just FYI.

No thanks Booky. Work on yourself.

Hi, Booky!

I am a fan of yours.
I believe that you are very intelligent.
Also, I know that you are doing your best to help
people with codependency!
So, I say Thanks, Booky!!!!!!!

LOVE,
heathercliff

The real problem is that the only person who is asking for advice is the original poster (sandstone).

Unsolicited advice is control! So all comments directed toward others are in fact controlling.

When someone starts a thread, they are asking everyone to respectfully stick to their issue so they get help. Carefully considering replies to be sure they address the OP's discussion is the respectful way to behave.

Taking a thread off topic by correcting other members replies is self serving and rude to the original poster. It serves only to direct attention to the one who repeatedly addresses the content of others replies
rather than respectfully reply to the original poster.

Please, I would prefer it if people wouldn't argue as comments to my post.