Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,331 Members

10,657 Posts

1 Online

pattymum 09/13/2011

I grew up with an alcoholic father and throughout my life, I've just played the codependent caretaker role in many of my relationships. I'm divorced and about 6 years ago became friends with someone that was struggling with mental health issues. Over the years, I've tried to be there for her and encourage her constantly even though it was draining because she was so focused on her self. Now the tables have turned and over the past year, my life became very difficult with my job and finances and a knee injury to boot.

This friend has not reciprocated the care I gave to her when she was down. I just asked her about it yesterday because I could have really used a friend this past month with the knee injury. She told me that she's in a positive place right now living her life to the fullest and I am just bringing her down and she can't bear to be with me because I'm so negative. I was floored and very hurt by this. I've noticed I've been in the position before when I was married to someone that was self absorbed. Do you have any suggestions on how I can attract more positive friendships? I'm not looking for a relationship with a man, but just some good friendships where I don't feel used.

RossHomes 09/13/2011

I can see how you'd be annoyed by her treating you that way after all you've done. But thats usually how we get treated and how we feel when we play the role of the martyr.When you give past where you want to .Then you're mad because they dont give to you the way you did for them. But noone twisted your arm to do that. But yeah,there are people out there who will take it. And will wait for you to rescue them. We all must learn our limits and learn to take care of ourselves.
Have you read Codependent No More byMelodie Beattie. If not, it's a great starting point. Good luck. I know where you've been I've been there before myself and have to work on my recovery too.

RossHomes 09/13/2011

I wasnt trying to be harsh. Also, We as codependents must learn that theres a difference in a healthy way of giving and helping and the
unhealthy way of giving/helping. One keeps your esteem intact, you dont feel resentful for your giving,your helping doesnt cause another to become less responsible, you dont put yourself in the role of victim.
Alot of codependents dont have a problem with being a caring , giving person-except to themselves. It may feel selfish, but it's not. You must learn how to take care of your needs, acknowledge and respect them, learn how to meet them. Give them a place if you can.Much to share, instead please read the book and go to CoDa meetings or Al-Anon. Great places. Good materials to help with things like this and much more. Hugs.

pattymum 09/13/2011

Thanks for your response. I was in a codependency group in the past and did learn about taking care of my needs first which felt good. It just seems way too easy (natural) for me to slip back into that role and somehow I lost my way so I appreciate your honest response. Family members had noticed I was bending over backwards to help my friend and constantly would stand up for her because she had the mental health problems and had actually attempted suicide. I did lose track of myself though.

I thought our friendship blew up because actually I was standing up for myself and my needs for a change and I don't think she liked that much.

I will get back into a codependency group again.

RossHomes 09/13/2011

We're worth it! Take care!

pattymum 09/14/2011

Thanks... you too!

sharelea 09/16/2011

I can relate to what you are saying here. I would be a person who values friendship and always believed in being the best friend I could be. That usually involved being around someone going through a bad time and me trying to help. I look back and there was never really an equal friendship that involved some fun. I usually got cast aside when they got on their feed or it was no longer easy for them to keep in touch. A few years ago, I decided that I was worth more than this and placed my self respect high on my list of priorities. I learned valuable lessons from giving too much in the past and now have more equal relationships. I try to judge character too and not just jump in like I used to. I will always value friendship but my relationship with myself will come first in future.

pattymum 10/01/2011

Hi Sharelea, thanks for your post. Yes, I have some lessons to learn on this. I do get in that pattern with many of my relationships. It bugs me about myself... really... I usually snap out of it when I'm on my own but then head back down that path again ... it's usually when someone needs me... I know that's not healthy and I HAVE to stop doing this for my own health and respect.

The other evening, I was standing up for my beliefs on a topic with my daughter in law. She's very strong willed and didn't like what I had to say which was really not a mean thing just that I didn't want to throw her a baby shower until next month due to finances. It meant conflict... which I HATE. I later mentioned it to my son and he said "Mom wouldn't you rather say how you feel about something and be respected rather than holding it inside and getting run over and ultimately not respected? I also thought about Dr. Phil's statement... You teach people how to treat you."

Findingmyhope 10/02/2011

My mom always told me, "When you give love or do something nice for someone else do not expect them to reciprocate. Your reward will come from someone else, someone capable of giving you what you need, this is the law of Karma."

I'm so sorry you have trouble with your knee.

I am Bipolar myself and codependent as well. I have trouble opening up to people when I need support because I have been told I'm when I'm depressed I'm self centered. How can I not be? We're supposed to take care of #1 first, right?

My biggest challenge right now is putting my needs ahead of others so that I can help them when they need me. My son has been diagnosed ADHD and so it's a back and forth battle between whose priorities I concentrate at the moment.

I'll pray for you. Don't forget you can't pour from the pot if it's empty. You have to take care of that inner child and make sure she's safe, only you know what she wants at the moment.

And it's all small stuff, hindsight is the best sight. God bless you always.

deleted_user 10/02/2011

If I gave you $100 and you tore it up in front of me do I have the right to get mad? That's simplistic with regards to your friend.
All loss goes through a grief process.
Water seeks its own level and like attracts like.
Being more positive with yourself is a strong magnet

In relationship, it is not in finding someone with whom we might feel complete, instead, be with someone with whom you can share your completeness. What ever the level be.
I can't give what I don't have... etc.

pattymum 10/02/2011

Thank you for your responses. I'm going to tuck them away in the back of brain so that hopefully I can avoid some of the mistakes I've made over the years.

Hope everyone had a good weekend!

Join the Conversation