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I could really use some advice here....
I have a 7-year old daughter, her father and I have been apart for about 4 years. We get along fine, we co-parent well, we seem to have mastered the "friendly co-parenting relationship" and we rarely run into problems so I feel great about that, and I like that our daughter sees us getting along. However, he has never really been very stable. He's held a job for over 5 years, but financially he doesn't have much. He pays child support consistently and he has visitation every other weekend. Every time he hits some type of rough patch in his life, he calls me and until now I have always helped him out. Usually it's financial help. I helped him buy a reliable car, I've lent him money for various bills, etc. Basically when a crisis hits, he calls me and always needs my help. He called me last night and most of today because there was a fire in his apartment building that caused enough damage to his apartment that it's not livable for at least a few months. He explained to the fire fighters that he has no money and they referred him to the Red Cross. The Red Cross put him in a hotel until Monday (a couple days from now). He hasn't come right out and asked me for money, but I feel he is going to either ask for money or a place to stay. I don't want to do either. The only other person I've shared this with is my Mom (probably a bad idea) and she proceeded to make me feel like the worst person on earth because I told her I don't feel it's my issue to fix, and that the cycle of him calling every time he has a problem needs to stop. She was saying things like "wow, I'm surprised that you're taking this approach, that sounds really bad and cold hearted" -- I do feel bad for him, I feel bad for his situation, and I certainly don't want to see the father of my child in a bad situation. But does that require me to rescue him each and every time he hits a rough patch in life? I feel like this is the perfect time for me to set a boundary once and for all. I've been doing really good in all other areas of my recovery and I don't want to feel guilted into helping him. I could really use some objective, outside advice on this situation because so far my only feedback is that I'm being cold hearted. What do I do?? Do I help him out? Do I not? I really want to stop the cycle of him calling me for rescue every time he's in a bind.
I have a 7-year old daughter, her father and I have been apart for about 4 years. We get along fine, we co-parent well, we seem to have mastered the "friendly co-parenting relationship" and we rarely run into problems so I feel great about that, and I like that our daughter sees us getting along. However, he has never really been very stable. He's held a job for over 5 years, but financially he doesn't have much. He pays child support consistently and he has visitation every other weekend. Every time he hits some type of rough patch in his life, he calls me and until now I have always helped him out. Usually it's financial help. I helped him buy a reliable car, I've lent him money for various bills, etc. Basically when a crisis hits, he calls me and always needs my help. He called me last night and most of today because there was a fire in his apartment building that caused enough damage to his apartment that it's not livable for at least a few months. He explained to the fire fighters that he has no money and they referred him to the Red Cross. The Red Cross put him in a hotel until Monday (a couple days from now). He hasn't come right out and asked me for money, but I feel he is going to either ask for money or a place to stay. I don't want to do either. The only other person I've shared this with is my Mom (probably a bad idea) and she proceeded to make me feel like the worst person on earth because I told her I don't feel it's my issue to fix, and that the cycle of him calling every time he has a problem needs to stop. She was saying things like "wow, I'm surprised that you're taking this approach, that sounds really bad and cold hearted" -- I do feel bad for him, I feel bad for his situation, and I certainly don't want to see the father of my child in a bad situation. But does that require me to rescue him each and every time he hits a rough patch in life? I feel like this is the perfect time for me to set a boundary once and for all. I've been doing really good in all other areas of my recovery and I don't want to feel guilted into helping him. I could really use some objective, outside advice on this situation because so far my only feedback is that I'm being cold hearted. What do I do?? Do I help him out? Do I not? I really want to stop the cycle of him calling me for rescue every time he's in a bind.
(1) the approximate time table;
(2) does the landlord have any other apartments that he could stay in until the burned out one is repaired and he is able to move back in. If not, does the landlord have any suggestions on places that would be flexible with the lease that when the burned apartment is ready, that he could get out of the lease and return to the repaired apartment.
Rlb, I want you to know that you have gone over and beyond nice to have been there to "rescue" your ex for so many times and for so long. I do agree it's long past time to stop.
Don't allow yourself to be guilted into it just because he is your child's father. He has to learn to handle all the stuff that occurs in life and you're not letting him learn and experience that stuff. He knows he always has you to fall back on. He should learn he doesn't have you to rely on from now on and that should make a real change in him.
Many hugs.
Luke 10:25-37
According to what you say above then he has NOT even asked you for a place to stay or for rent money, as you are stressing over something which has not happened.
So if he does ask for some help then if you can not afford it then tell him so, and if you just do not want to help him then just tell him so.
There is nothing wrong with you helping him, and nothing wrong with him asking you for help, but then you get to say yes or no because you can make your own choices, and your own choices are your own boundaries.
It seems to me that you are wrestling with the idea of you voluntarily OFFERING the help since you know that he is in a bind, and really that speaks very highly of your character and of your conscience, so he might not even need the help, as usually there are things available to people who lose their home in a fire, so the Red Cross might be giving him all the help he needs, and you could be beating your self up for nothing.
You can ask him "how is he doing?" without that being an offer of money or offering help, as it is a high noble virtue to be so concerned.
IMO.
You are not his protection. He is an adult. If he chooses to never save up or plan ahead, that is his choice. your choice is to plan ahead.
I think it is long past time to stop this rescue behavior and let him suffer the natural consequences of his own actions and choices in life. Right now he lives however he wants and you pay for his poor planning.
I agree you need to set your boundaries and stop enabling him. He is an adult and he is no longer your responsibility. If you keep on enabling him he will keep on asking for help. It's ok to help someone sometimes but all the time. You need to think about you and your needs and not feel guilty. I feel you have gone above and beyond. Just be honest and tell him how you feel and let him know he needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility. Good luck to you. You sound like a dear person
The negative kind means enabling a person to get drugs or to get drunk or to hurt them self or to hurt others, and negative stuff like those.
Giving some person help in paying their rent or help them to buy food or help them to survive - are positive forms of enabling.
A Bank gives a loan so a student can go to school as that is enabling the person in a positive way.
Buy a person a car so they can get to their job would be a positive form of enabling.
To say that one is not going to give any help or assistance to another person in need - then that is not creating a healthy boundary to stop enabling.
Link http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-anatomy-addiction/201207/are-you-empowering-or-enabling
"Those who habitually enable dysfunctional behavior are often referred to as co-dependent."
The point there is "dysfunctional behavior" and not genuine need.
So to enable people who really need help is the right thing to do.
To say that he is an adult so he does not get any help - is just uncivil and playing like you are his parent when you are not.
This is a tough predicament for sure, but put yourself in his shoes for a moment: wouldn't it be great if you could depend on him for assistance if the chips were down for you?
You do not have to let him move in or to sleep on your couch - as just say no.
It seems to me that you are putting your self on a guilt trip, and he might be trying to make you to feel guilty too, but that is just a thing that people do.
You can still be friends with him and tell him "no" too, as that is what makes it into a healthy functioning boundary.
You get blame for saying "no" to him, well that is okay because you did say "no", so take the blame with pride.
It does take time to change patterns of behaviour. The ones long ingrained need patient time to change. Allowing others to make their own choices along with work thru the concommitient consequences is a great first step
One thing to be careful ... if dealing with a narcissistic person, too much truth/honesty just reveals hour vulnerable places. We have to be aware if the other is willing to use us and truth to drag one back into unhealthy.