This is my first time ever posting anything or ever talking outloud about my codependency. I knew I was codependent about 4 years ago after I finally stepped away from a 6year long physically and mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I have jumped from relationship to relationship since high school. After my 6year relationship I started talking to a old crush i had in high school but obviously didnt see the regular flags because he was currently in a half way house fresh out of prison. We ended up dating 5 months after talking on the phone everyday for hours, I got pregnant with my daughter who's now 2 but he ended up going back to prison 1 month after she was born and was released 15 months later. It was hard 15 months on the relationship.  I decided I would wait, be there for him because we had a new baby and even though he is an addict i grew to love the man. Long story short he got released this past April, all was great for a few months, we was getting a house, my oldest daughter loves him dearly, he had a job we was happy but I knew there was underlining problems with my codependency past and him trying to recover from addiction on his own.. Then in October things got rocky, I suspected drug use, my mind went nuts, it's all I worried about was him, catching him , helping him, begging him to talk to me. I finally walked in on him smoking crack and gave him once again another chance but I was going to counseling at this point because I hit a rock bottom with myself. I set boundaries for him and we did couple counseling. He didnt respect my boundaries after a month so we broke up, he was kicked out of his parents home, and a month later back in jail looking at 10years. It was so hard to cope with the fact all these plans we had crashed down so quickly and I just waited 15 months for him to be home and now he was gone again.. My heart was crushed for my girls and I was holding it in how it hurt me. I dont know really I felt relieved after he was in jail. All of sudden he got out on bail though for a weekend and was able to come home. My oldest wanted one last goodbye and I knew he wasnt high so I let him stay. That weekend was very emotional.  He cried and talked and really opened up about things that has happened and what he has done during drug use. When was was with the kids we laughed so much and played, then him or I would cry because we knew this is what it could have been for us and these girls. We did that for 4 days straight and when he left I cracked mentally. He knew I wasnt doing the prison ride with him again , he wanted me to be happy and ever since that weekend when he went back into jail, I have talked to him everyday since. He isnt like how he was that 15 months he was gone, he really talks and listens and appreciates me just being there.  but I dont want to get myself back into this cycle for 5 more years but I dont want to leave him alone if now he has finally hit rock bottom and ready to change. I pay 25 a day to just talk to him and that's driving me nuts but he has nobody else and I do love him so much and want to see him do well. On top of that i have a guy who i been seeing and he is wonderful treats me like a queen and though I've explained I am needing to work on myself not ready to jump into another relationship I feel so guilty because I'm still talk to my ex in prison everyday. I just feel like I'm at a stand still and a horrible person. I want to better myself but not hurt my ex who I would be with in a heartbeat if he was clean and sober for a long time. Then I feel like I'm wrong for even liking this other guy but we connect in a different way. he has opened me up to a lot of things that's benefited my process on myself. I dont know what I am wanting. I know I want to be happy and I want my girls happy and they are, my oldest and I talk often about my ex I make sure she can Express herself and not keep anything inside. I just dont know what I'm doing. I want to limit my phone calls with my ex but dont know how to say it or make him hurt. I cant be the best mother for them if I'm not my best self and I just dont know how to find that with all that's going on.