Sounds you both may have co-dependency issues, and maybe you're drawn to THAT rather than each other? There's a lot there, and I suggest counseling. You might also suggest couple's counseling, and see if he's open to that. You need an unbiased third party to listen , moderate the conversation, and offer professional suggestions, so that you guys can get to the heart of the issues in a safe way. If he won't go, then you go alone. CoDA can't hurt, but I think a counselor would really help get you there, faster. Best wishes. Hugs.

I can relate. I felt much the same way in my marriage, only my STBX was an alcohol abuser on top of being angry. First warning flag is that he blames his anger on you. We are all responsible for ourselves, and no one can "make" us feel a certain way. My STBX blames his anger on his job, etc., etc., but ultimately he is still responsible for his feelings, and it's not my fault, although things would "trigger" him to lash out. Still not my fault.

I would recommend marriage counseling, and no one person is responsible for the maintenance of a marriage. Unfortunately we tried that but my STBX bullshitted his way through it. That was 11 years ago, and it never got better. It actually got much worse after a while. For me, there is no going back, because once I got a taste of freedom I really liked it. I don't walk on eggshells anymore, and I don't stress over going home at night, not knowing what kind of mood he'll be in or what might set him off, or how many drinks he's had already. NOW he wants to do counseling, but it's too late because he won't address his anger issues, which he had before we married but which really came out about 4 years after we got married, just a little while after our first child was born. Should have never had kids with him, although I love my children dearly and they're the best thing to ever happen to me.

Bottom line is, if you have code issues, get a good therapist. I did, and it's helped immensely. Also a good marriage counselor. But he has to be willing to do the work. He can't blame it all on "your issues" or there's no point.

Good luck, and keep posting.

Thanks for the good advice, my H refuses to go to couples counselling cos he doesn't see that he has issues. He gets angry if I suggest that he has anything to do with our problems. I feel weighed down with the burden of it being 'all my fault' and his expectation that I make things right with him. I would love a mediator because our conversations always turn into him blaming me. I don't see much point insisting that we go to counselling as he will be going unwillingly and I don't see a good outcome. Guess I will just keep working on myself.

I also seem to have taken all the responsibility for the problems in my relationships over the years and looking back (and also looking at my current relationships), I am seeing how I have also put up with a lot of inappropriate behaviour, all part of the codependency thing. Placing all of the blame for the trouble in your relationship onto you is certainly inappropriate, it isn't realistic and it isn't fair. As cheryt said, 'no one person is responsible for the maintenance of a marriage'. He wants you to believe it is all your fault, and it may well be what HE believes but it isn't real- despite what he says, you are NOT responsible for your entire relationship and you are NOT responsible for his anger. You feel weighed down with the burden of it all being your fault because you are taking his share of the responsibility onto your shoulders too and it doesn't belong there.

I have been on the road to recovery for the last year and a bit... I started by joining this site, and then read lots of books about codependency and although I understood it intellectually, I was having trouble applying my new knowledge to my life. I have been seeing an awesome and very understanding counsellor and she has made all the difference. I have a great deal of trouble indentifying the thoughts and behaviours that get me in trouble (they are certainly very ingrained in my brain!) and my counsellor has helped me do that and has helped me see things with some much-needed perspective, it has made such a difference.

I have also been going to Al-anon (mostly Adult Children) meetings which have also helped me a lot. All of these things together give me a big dose of emotionally-healthy thinking, something that has always been missing in my family and as much as i hate to admit it, it has also been missing in me and my brain, but thankfully it is just starting to creep in there now :)

As both rainbo and cheryt suggested, if your husband won't go to counselling with you then you can still go alone, it can make all the difference when we can't quite see things with a healthy or clear perspective. I loved your last sentence, "Guess I will just keep working on myself"- it sounds good to me! Lots of good wishes to you, and take care :)

You are right that couples therapy won't help if he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. But you should still definitely go for yourself. It's just nice in the beginning to have someone listen to you and validate your feelings without blaming. Unfortunately your husband may come to regret his decision to not go along, because you will be doing so much work on yourself that you'll begin to see him in a whole new light, and it won't be pretty. I got very resentful of my STBX for not wanting to do the work, just talking his way through stuff. Talk is cheap. You can't fix your relationship all by yourself, nor should you try. Just work on you, and the rest will take care of itself in due time. Good luck!