Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I can relate to all 14 characteristics of Laundry list and trying to work on it one day at a time.. Thought it will help others.
These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional household.
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We become addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to love people we can pity and rescue.
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors. Tony A., 1978
These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional household.
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We become addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to love people we can pity and rescue.
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors. Tony A., 1978
Thanks very much. I also am the Laundry List. I agree with your approach, too, one day at a time, work on something to help recovery.
Shar
It increases my awareness about why I am the way I am. It helps me recognise my unhealthy behaviours and once I am aware of them, I can work on them, as you guys say, one bit at a time.
It also helps me step away from that thought that there is something innately wrong with me. I have always thought that I was just crazy or bad or useless or whatever, turns out I have these habits and behaviours, and I have them because this is what I learned (or what I was told) growing up, from people who didn't know any better, from people who had the same issues and from people who thought and felt the same way about themselves, only they never realised it and projected their shame onto me, they told me that I was bad for being me when really, they felt bad for being them.
These are things I can become aware of and work on. Brings the power back to me. Each one of these gives me a place to start.
Big hug to you, amelah. I have been reading a book called "Secrets of your Family Tree: Healing for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families" by Henry Cloud, John Townsend and others and I came across this paragraph:
"What in my life caused an orientation toward shame powerful enough that even as a psychologist I struggle with it? Many experiences, but they had a common denominator: that feeling of not being good enough. Words were said and actions taken that communicated to me the idea that I was a bad person. In my youth I was disciplined for feelings, not for behaviour. Those experiences of shame left me a shame-bound person, a condition I am now responsible to deal with and not let spill over into my relationship with my wife and children."
We learnt we were not good enough as we are. We all have things we need to work on, we are human, we aren't perfect, we can't be perfect... but we are good enough as we are. This is something that I also battle greatly with, the belief that I am not ok as I am is so ingrained in me that it is now my natural way and I slip back into that way of thinking oh so easily. Please try to remind yourself that you are ok as you are- it is a simple little sentence and I try to say it to myself as often as I can, and better still, I sometimes even try to imagine myself actually believing it :) We may have shortcomings but that does not mean that we are not good enough. And I really love the idea that 'good enough' is VERY different to 'perfect' :)
Thanks and take care guys.
ACA book also provides several tools/options in different chapters...
Recognizing your inner child
Being loving parent
Although I believe that each ones recovery is different and each ones solution to their problems is different The solution provided by ACA does help...
I believe every issue has a root cause.. When i know the root cause of the issue and clarity of issue i am able to better solve the issue by self with little to no help.
I take each characteristic in laundry list and see/write my own inventory and try to see how i can change each of the characteristic one day at a time. I was able to get over few like Authority figures...
Again this is work in progress .....
Ewilke - " I tend to choose friends who I must do most of the work to connect with them." Check if you are a people pleaser.