Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,331 Members
10,657 Posts
1 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Codependency Support Group

Just realizing

LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe

Just realizing how codependant my personality type really is.


I am the kind of person who will feel bad another person has to wait for me while I cross the street, so I move quickly.


I suppose you could see that as being polite, but when I sacrifice what is good for me, that politeness and over-caring poisons my life.


I sway from putting my foot down, ("we are having separate bank accounts." "I am not picking you up from work every night when you aren't trying to get your license." "Do not text that co-worker since you have a history of cheating" etc


And then on other things I will go totally silent and clam up, letting him dictate the situation. Even if it harms me, even if I don't want to, I won't say anything. And then I will feel resentful and angry that he even had the audacity to ask me to drink all day with him AGAIN on a sunday. When I could have said no, I am not going to a bar with you. (I did say that, but I ended up driving him to a bar.)


I think the level of codependancy runs deep, and gets confused with our relationship power struggle. I don't want to be a doormat. I need to learn to not care when he is uncomfortable. I internalize how he feels and he knows how to control me.


Anyways I am just realizing all of this now. Any tips welcome


maryjan
maryjan
Hi Let Go breath,

Someone posted this in here the other day, so thought I would give it to you! This lady has a lot of helpful info! But basically, setting healthy boundaries is all about knowing yourself, your likes, your dislikes, your needs, your non-negotiable deal breakers etc.! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdYFla0jyEo

I'm really not too sure about not allowing your partner to text someone just because they have a history! In the uk, this is now against the law (Coercive Control). You can not disallow the other person from having friends or try to control their movements. However, if you don't trust this person perhaps you have a good reason not to trust them and should consider if you want to stay with them? I think that if someone made me feel very insecure, I would question myself -- do i have a reason to feel insecure? What is the likelihood that my feeling is true? etc. If I felt that my intuition was correct and that this person was most likely unfaithful or not treating me properly, I would distance myself. If, on the other hand, I could see that my own fears and insecurities are causing him to want to run away, I would address that ! Sending you blessings!
LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe
Yes he has done it to me before, made me delete the snapchat app saying I was looking for attention from my male friends, used me texting my male friend as an excuse to text his ex... It was kind of a mutual decision that we both stop corresponding with the opposite sex through texting and social media. Thinking about it now, I hope he didn't tell the women he works with he's not allowed to text them because of me... When it's a rule he pretty much created...
LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe
My old high school friend I am not allowed to text because he tried to kiss me before. He messaged me on Instagram asking about my camera and I didn't tell my BF because I know he would be. Pissed.
maryjan
maryjan
LetGoBreathe, all of this sounds very codependent to me. My ex was like that with me. I ended up feeling guilty chatting to an old university friend all the time and would often slam down my laptop when he walked in just to avoid confrontation! That is no way to live! Everyone has a right to have friends! if your relationship is healthy, you won't have these trust issues imo!
LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe
Yes we were friends since JR high my BF asked me did you ever sleep with him? I said no he said I don't believe you. (I had a promiscuous past). I said no my male friend I have NEVER slept with. Then a few months later I mentioned casually that he tried to kiss me before but it was awkward and I stopped it. He acted as if I had been lying to him. He said he is only texting me to get in my pants. Who knows. But if I consider him a friend from my past then that should count for something
LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe
This was arguments that happened a long time ago... There have been red flags from the beginning.
LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe
The thing is I noticed he was very controlling but always thought of myself as the type not easily controlled. Boy was I wrong.
maryjan
maryjan
I'm not easily controlled either! He's getting you with "your past" blah blah shaming you. This is a way they attempt to take control! Honestly no matter how many times my ex said he would change, he wouldn't! This is toxic and abusive and it will knock you down before you realise as it slowly drains the life out of your life!!!
maryjan
maryjan
it's enmeshed because that means you need to anticipate everyone's feelings towards you too! My ex also thought i should not speak to anyone who fancies me! How am I supposed to know/do that?!!
SimpsonsOK
SimpsonsOK
Wow, what a textbook codependent relationship. He keeps you spinning, which is crazy making. Drinking all day is classic alcoholism. Yep, many codependents join in, for a while, with the idea that they will be able to limit his drinking, or out of safety concerns about his driving drunk. The alcohol is the smaller problem, the ISM is the big problem. Simply put, he and his alcohol make it a 2 on 1 situation, which keeps you outnumbered. You have taken a huge step by seeing you are codependent; now comes the hard work. We carry the codependency far beyond the primary relationship. It bleeds into all our other relationships, which is why we begin the journey. I would humbly suggest that you go to a real time AlAnon group. You will be with real time peers, with our support here in this DS lifeboat 24/7. MaryJan said it will knock you down before you realize it slowly draining the life out of you. I think you are already there. But, we are here. BTW, I do check in here every day, and let folks know if I am going to be out of pocket. In the meantime, showers of comforting hugs to you both.
LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe
Thanks guys. He has before gone as far as to say "just be quiet at work that way no one can use anything against you."
And I listened to him... Because it made sense, people are vicious ya know? Sometimes quiet is better...
But I felt uncomfortable at work. Just now am I beginning to come out of my shell, because I was always scared whatever I said would be used against me. His mom also got me the job so I didn't want to embarrass myself or him. Yeah I'm realizing how bad this is but I am stuck for now. Therapy is the only option right now.
LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe
Living together is rough. He always goes on about smudges on the paint on the wall, and gets extremely angry when I don't obsess over the smudges. They aren't that bad, and our landlord said they will paint in a year... He still obsesses over the wall. I sit on the couch and ignore and he makes me look at the wall, and gets so so so angry when I shrug and say it's not a big deal. He says things like "it looks horrible. It looks like dirt. How can that not bother you." and this happens once a week. He just did it about 10 minutes ago.... The landlord already said we're not allowed to paint, and it will be painted eventually. He makes me sound like a messy slob by the fact that i don't mind if there's a few smudges on the paint.

I have never been able to talk freely in such a long time. That's why I'm rambling. I have 0 friends. I think he wants it that way he has all the control. I don't even know how to make friends anymore.
SimpsonsOK
SimpsonsOK
Wow, such typical abuser actions. Goal: only talk to me so you will not have anyone to turn to when I make your life miserable. I have worked contracts most of my career. Week one is about observing. Are their sides? I won't pick one. Is their someone who wants to fill me in on everyone, likely I will be the next one talked about. If there is a scapegoat or seeming loner, that is where I head, as they are usually the safest ones there. I will talk with everyone, but not the place to share much about me. BTW, you got the job because you were a fit with what they were looking for, if not they wouldn't have hired you. Can't wait to watch you blossom into being you. Hugs.
LettGoBreathe
LettGoBreathe
That's a good way of looking at it. I don't want to disclose personal information but I don't want to be the scared one who feels anxious and afraid around everyone either.
Peat
Peat
Those that truly know themselves, and can accept it, are not fearful of being judged. It is the fear of judgment which causes fear of rejection. . .the very reason for people-pleasing in co-dependency.

Because they cannot accept their own truth at a deep level, they fear being exposed and vulnerable. They try to divert the other by pleasing them.

Because we all have an ego, every human being suffers from this, And it is the ego that fears negative judgment. Those that are prepared to sit with themselves in regular introspection, discovering and facing all their fears of self. Are better equiped to accept their own truth. And ultimately not fear being judged, for they already have done that.