I'm so sorry you're going thru all this. When I was reading your words, I thought...fuck this was me 2 years ago.

I know how you feel, and I know that was the worst pain of my life.

The...where do we stand, are you giving me hope, this girl is just temporary, we are forever. I know you have some obsessive thoughts that are drilling into your head and just won't let up.

I know it feels like the end of the world, because at the time it did for me as well. You will get thru it I promise! I'm sure your eating, sleep, and just everything has been affected.

I'm not going to tell you he's an asshole, or this or that. I don't think you need to hear that now. What he has done is totally wrong, and hurtful. Period.

Right now you're probably full of anxiety..all these thoughts running thru your head and actions you want to take to alleviate your anxiety...and it's driving you crazy.

Start journaling, write all that stuff you're feeling down. Do it until you come to a point where you feel like all you have to say is down on paper or on your computer. Get that out of your head and let it exist somewhere else.

If those thoughts come up again, write again. That's what I did. I ended up with hundreds of notes, and it was the only SAFE and appropriate action I could take at the time.

I don't know if your ex is a narcissist or abusive in any way...but if he was...you may start researching this topic. It will help see the patterns in behavior...such as idealize, devalue, discard...come back repeat. Educate your self, read blogs of other survivor victims...when I started connecting the dots it relieved a lot of my cognitive dissonance.

I don't know about your level of physical activity. If you're not doing anything physical, get moving. Start walking, go to the gym, play your with your wii, youtube a dance video, or hell throw a damn ball against the wall until it annoys you. It will give an outlet to release your emotions and obsessive energy that has built up.

Not everyone will understand what you're going thru. I learned this the hard way as well. You don't need their validation, you need yours and your mental health professional will help.

But fuck...it's going to hurt...I wouldn't wish that on anyone. If you need to break things, go ahead...just nothing you will regret breaking. Punch your pillow...cry...get it out.

I know the feeling of wanting to be held. Unfortunately, the man who hurt me was the one who I wanted to comfort me. As in your case and many others. Right now...you may feel alone but I'm sending you supportive thoughts.

I hope some of this helps.

FLEUR2000

Don't disagree with anything FLUER2000 says, above.

Therapy is a long journey, but seeing a therapist is almost always healthy. You're a reader too, so there is an almost bottomless reservoir of books - some better than others. Your therapist will help you unravel things and then it will be up to you to decide what to do with it.

It has been my experience that therapy is, by definition, not about assigning blame (to your partner, yourself, your childhood traumas, etc....). It is, rather, about moving ahead and finding some productive way to frame what you have learned. If you have codependent tendencies, there is probably something more than this relationship that will emerge. I always felt that my work with a therapist was a bit like getting an owner's manual for my emotions - which I hadn't previously had.

Right now, you are in a fairly desperate situation with big raw emotions swirling. Just try to remind yourself that you are not to blame and that things will resolve in your favor with a little time and self care.

I hope you can find a little peace and reflection in the next few days.

Take care

Been off line the past two days. We are the people to turn to, in addition to a therapist and a CODA support group. We get addicted to a person. You are now in withdrawal, a very painful process. In your grief, you are likely considering taking any small crumb he may offer, just for some relief from the pain. Been there, done that, terrible decision. You made him your world, and thus are so terribly alone with this loneliness. The craving for contact with him is visceral and all encompassing. We know that as we have been there. It is a hard process, but we will support you all along the way. Healing hugs.

I too say Coda/alanon plus therapy and support
Groups online and live support whenever possible.
I beat every bush i could find. I was also in divorce
Care..There are also live break up groups in some
Areas.

We need to fix ourselves with reparenting and
Retraining. Its not an easy process to get in in
there Deep enough to truly change, heal and
grow and Learning to Get humble. Developing
Spirituality does help a lot with getting to be an
Emotionally centered mature Adult.

It takes giving Over your self will and your need
for control and fixing others. Its about Letting them
go and detaching from them. Its all very painful
Thats why people live and stay in denial and don't
Want to fix themselves. Its just too hard.

Read all you can so you are educated about all of
These subjects. You tube has lots of info, there
are Many good links i have posted so has Salina.

Awareness is the first step and coming out of denial.
The other stuff is a journey that can last a lifetime. We
Were created codependents from our family. Now we
need to change that so we can grow so we don't get
sucked in again. The belief is Until you heal the inner
codependent you could just go out and find another
one or they will find you. We attract Narcs, addicts
and emotionally unavailable people to us.

Keep writing on here and working on yourself. Glad
You started therapy one on one helps with the bigger
issues. Like family, shame, guilt, abandonment and
Abuse.

Most of us do understand and are the same in many
ways Thats where support groups help. Hearing your
thoughts feelings and emotions out someone elses
Mouth and 12 step groups are about healing your
shame and you. I have been at it for 6 years and i am
Still a work in progress, HUGS

Hi there,

So much great information in all the comments! Just wanted to leave some quick, actionable suggestions that can help bring you out of that desperate urgent feeling:

1. Notice those feelings swirling inside you. The desperation and pain. Don't try to stop them, just watch them unfold. Sometimes we all feel out of control. It's ok. Hold those feelings compassionately the way you would a crying baby. Allow yourself to have your reaction, and ask yourself what emotions are these? Name them out loud.

2. Move your body. Slide your foot across the floor and watch it. Trace the wall with your finger. Feel the environment around you. Hear your breath. Stabilize your breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Go for a walk perhaps to let some of the emotion out on the sidewalk through your feet moving.

3. Write down all your thoughts so you can have a record. It helps process and also comes in handy later when you are feeling better and trying to make decisions.

4. It sounds like you are in the very beginning of recovery so be as compassionate with yourself as you would anyone who is learning a new skill. You are building new muscle of self-love.

5. Do something active like a sport or yoga. It gets me out of my head and back into my body.

6. If all else fails, sometimes I just turn on a show so I can put my thoughts on hold for a bit.

When you are really desperate and need help, sometimes you can't help but reach out to the person that put you in that situation. It's ok to make that mistake, but remind yourself that there are others (like us here) who care and can probably do a better job of helping you feel better. Hope this helps!

OBB, thanks for sharing some great tools. Hugs to all.