i also worry about crazy things like losing my parents when they get older and how i will cope, i just want life to be how it is now, dont want my parents to get old, am really scared that it makes me feel so sad and i just want to cry.

Hi Pam,

Hugs, and I understand. When I was in my twenties, I remember a customer talking with me about losing her parents and she started to cry. I teared up too, hearing her pain. And I remember thinking that I could not imagine that pain and would not be able to carry on.

I have learned (having lost my father and my husband) that not only can we carry on, but as lovely as things may be for the moment, change is the only thing we can count on. I am in a bit of an upheaval again about where I am living. It is a long story, but I am afraid of making the wrong decision for myself. But, people adjust.

Are you afraid of doing the normal thing or do you not want to do the normal thing in your culture? If you want it, but are afraid, that is different from really just not wanting that lifestyle. Only you can decide the best course of action for you.

Hugs,

Shar

Sounds like meeting the family is bringing up all sorts of control issues. I think it's important that your partner is aware of your ambivalence about having children, before you agree to marriage. Because that can be a "make it or break it" deal.

My father proposed to my mother ("marry me or forget it" -- Nice, huh?) and she submitted not only to his Ultimatum, but then bore 3 children as was expected of her.

Turns out, she did not want children. She wanted a career. She did not want to be a stay-at-home mom.

My mother lived a life of regrets. She never had the career she wanted. She raised children that she resented. (She told me this when I was a teenager -- but it was obvious, given her level of anger towards us throughout our childhood.)

So, on this 1 point, I beg you to be very honest with yourself and your expectations of your marriage. And make sure you and your partner are in agreement before you proceed further.

I used to live in dread of anticipating the death of those I loved. I think some of this is very real. And some of it points to feeling lack of control in our own lives. When we feel more "in control" of our own circumstances and feel empowered, we live more in the moment.

Most of my family is gone now -- and it has been painful, I won't lie. But it's not like it all happens at once. And it's taught me to cherish what we do have, in this moment, even in its imperfection.

All we have is right now. We can live in this moment and speak from our truth, or continue to play a role that doesn't feel good to us and feel like decisions are being made without our consent.

That choice is up to us.

((Hugs))

Hi Pam, You are a grown up and it is not necessary to explain or justify yourself to your parents. I recall that in the past they were not willing to respect your boundaries. One of your rights is to not have to explain or justify your life choices to them. Will they welcome you and your partner or try to break you apart? You don't have to see them now unless it is in your best interest, It sounds like this trip is changing the way you feel and think. It is nobody's business except you and your partner's about having children. You have journeyed far to make a new life for yourself. If you expect criticism from them, why go?

Pam, children are not for everybody. The smart ones are the ones that realize this before it's too late. If you feel like you do not want any do not have any. I agree with amelah make sure you tell him this before marrying him.