Give yourself a pat on the back for taking the steps to get better. A lot of people in your shoes don't make it that far. Codependency is a tough game and I'm finding that out too. Keep doing the work that you need to do. And God speed.

good for u, Im glad to hear u are making progress... I guess we all have to define what codependency is for us, whether the relationship is holding us back or not. Its very hard. My brother and I were best friends our whole lives, like twins, and he became an addict, and I was his life line, fought every battle for him, fought for his life, I would have donated my last drop of blood to him.. as a result, he took full advantage knowing I feared for his well being, at the expense of my own, he became violent and put my father and other sibling into the hospital, threatened my life, finally I had to draw the line, I almost had a nervous breakdown (was hospitalized) I had to break contact because in the end we all have to save ourselves. Just like on the airplane they say put the oxygen on yourself first then the person/ child next to u, otherwise u are completely depleted and u cant give what u don't have. I wish u the best of luck fighting an addiction, I know its the most difficult fight of your life, but remember u are worth it. The only way to conquer an addiction is to replace it, I hope u can find something healthy to replace it with. All the best 2 u...

Thanks phoenixfel... I'm keeping up the work. You do the same.

Cachetteen1 -- I hear you on that. The oxygen mask lots of sense. I'm very sorry to hear about your twin... actually I have twin sister too, and I know what that bond is like. I have found healthy things to replace it with. Got involved with a 12-step program which I had reservations about. But ultimately I knew I was out of answers... took a lot of pain to reach that point. I want to live, and to actually enjoy my life. Not just survive and scrape by... I appreciate your encouragement.

Glad to see you here Josef, you sound like
Your recovery is moving right along and at
A healthy clip.

Codependency is at the core of most of us
in 12 step groups. The deeper i dig the more i
See it, its how we react to our upbringing.

I did not know i was really codependent until
I could not change or heal my heart toward my
Ex. There was this wall of shame around my heart
And soul. My emotional self is very different than
My intellectual self.

i had Been in alanon and divorce care for a few
years doing a lot Of my inner and spiritual work.
And I could not totally detach from my ex and i
Still feel this Huge internal Tug of war.

Facing and coping wih codependency is a tough
Journey. Healing the inner child and dealing with Your
shame and all the other issues from a dysfunctional
And Abusive family.

My ex and i both come from it and We Did well for
awhile. Two wounded children dont work after a time.
He went and started to embrace his family system
After i thought we both were trying to escape from
it and detach and live a normal life.

Facing your family and your Past is brutally hard. It
Takes strength, courage and a strong faith. HUGS

Hi Mirandac. I understand what you mean. Been thinking about what you said about two wounded children not working in a relationship. I am coming to terms with my past, painful as its been. Sometimes I feel sorry for her. I know she's dealing with her own issues. Yet I've also come to understand now (what I didn't before) is that she is free to deal with in her own way.

It's like waking up from a bad dream. I see how much I suffered thinking that I could control other people and influence situations. Meanwhile, I only succeeded in bending myself out of shape.

Other days... I have this feeling like, "of course..." Of course two people with difficult, abusive parents formed incomplete ideas about love and relationships. Of course they expected the world from each other. Of course they struggled to communicate, and acted out in damaging ways. Of course, how could the outcome be any different, given the obstacles?

So... little by little, I've been taking myself off the hook. We are not bad people. We just had lots to learn.

I also realized something else... a rather odd thought. The heart, the body, and the brain do not grow at the same rate. Some people have 50 year old bodies but 25 year old minds. Some kids have the hearts of saints at an early age. I always assumed that adults knew everything, that with age came wisdom. But that's not necessarily the case.

With age comes experience. Putting experience into practice towards positive outcomes is a sign of wisdom. And I guess, ultimately, you have to want to grow.

I assumed that because everyone said they wanted love, happiness, success, etc., then by default they were willing to put the work in to get it. That's not true. Not everyone is willing to do the work. Maybe some people simply can't for other reasons.

Stopping this codependent cycle means to focus on your own plate. Heal yourself. Reach out to people who are genuinely happy, healthy, and positive. Handling your own crap and not waiting for anyone else to bail you out. Making your dreams into reality without apology.

Week by week, I am growing. That feels really good. This person I married was great for who I was, but not for who I was destined to become. Neither of us or better or worse than the other. Just different people with very different goals and expectations.

I am learning to take care of myself for the first time in my whole life.

Being with the kids is really are there is left in this relationship. Thankfully, I don't have to put on the show to impress anyone. I have stepped up and done my best. The relationship just has not worked, and could not have worked out. There's a tremendous relief in finally being honest.

I couldn't even say that a few months ago...

Josef i have watched you blossom when you
Write in your journal. When we can finally Let
go of expectations and outcomes, our life will
start To unfold.

Marriages between two wounded children is
Not a good mix unless both are in recovery. I
had Weak boundaries with my ex and others.
It was okay for awhile until i then displeased
Him and then it started going bad.

He has a false self and i had a hidden self and
I Was codependent to him. The codependency
happened very slowly and Gradually. We were
Very happy the first 10 years.

I still struggle with detaching from him, its like
Cutting my heart and soul out. I keep working
On myself and my issues so i can get better and
get stronger.

Dating has no appeal to me so not ready For that
stage of my journey. I need to heal first And foremost.
My true recovery is long overdue. HUGS