Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Anyone else struggle with this? Or overcoming problems with it?
I don't think it's really "warranted". I think it comes out when I am in relationships, I tap into who my mate thinks is attractive, which is totally normal and healthy to have these feelings, I know acting on them is when things can get unhealthy... whether the person I envy/am jealous about is an aquaintance or a celebrity on tv or whatever, I get a little obsessed. I don't want this to leak into reality. I am not comfortable with sharing this, and I'm learning I have some tools in my recovery program to address this, to do an inventory and to learn to look at my part, to look at my pride, my low self esteem, my lack of compassion when I am feeling 'less than' the person in question, like it is me comparing my insides to someone's outsides. I know God has a purpose for all of us and when I look at what others have and what I don't have instead of seeking God's will in my life, I am in the problem. I used to try to change my mates behavior to protect my feelings, and I don't want to do that because that's insanity to me, trying to change someone else, I have to change ME, I am the problem... this is new for me to deal with this issue in recovery.
Anyway any thoughts you have on this I'd appreciate it. I think what I'm doing is since the "objectionable" feelings are coming up in a new relationship and I don't want to "blame" the other person as I usually have, which gets me NOWHERE, I am looking towards a spiritual solution, of looking at jealousy and envy as defects I need to ask God to remove, so I'm admitting here I struggle with this in hopes of gaining understanding and support. Thanks.
I don't think it's really "warranted". I think it comes out when I am in relationships, I tap into who my mate thinks is attractive, which is totally normal and healthy to have these feelings, I know acting on them is when things can get unhealthy... whether the person I envy/am jealous about is an aquaintance or a celebrity on tv or whatever, I get a little obsessed. I don't want this to leak into reality. I am not comfortable with sharing this, and I'm learning I have some tools in my recovery program to address this, to do an inventory and to learn to look at my part, to look at my pride, my low self esteem, my lack of compassion when I am feeling 'less than' the person in question, like it is me comparing my insides to someone's outsides. I know God has a purpose for all of us and when I look at what others have and what I don't have instead of seeking God's will in my life, I am in the problem. I used to try to change my mates behavior to protect my feelings, and I don't want to do that because that's insanity to me, trying to change someone else, I have to change ME, I am the problem... this is new for me to deal with this issue in recovery.
Anyway any thoughts you have on this I'd appreciate it. I think what I'm doing is since the "objectionable" feelings are coming up in a new relationship and I don't want to "blame" the other person as I usually have, which gets me NOWHERE, I am looking towards a spiritual solution, of looking at jealousy and envy as defects I need to ask God to remove, so I'm admitting here I struggle with this in hopes of gaining understanding and support. Thanks.
I used to struggle with both feelings. From time to time I get possessive but I find it fleeting.
I dont think you are defective. I think you are codependent. What I have learned about myself and being codependent is that I focused on the other or external forces. It was less challenging than figuring out what I wanted. For instance, my best friend took huge risks in her career and became a professional ballet dancer. I stayed in our home town area and went back to grad school and settled into a teaching career. After a few years, teaching can be like ground hog day (you know the movie) I felt so envious of her travels to exotic countries and the beautiful costumes and performances etc.
I learned later that her life was chaotic. Filled with too much coffee, too much alcohol, too many cigarettes, too many people who didnt really care about her health (ballet is physically destructive) etc. By 31, her career was over, her husband had left her for another dancer, she had a coke addiction, eating disorder and serious alcohol problem - no money, no place to live and no friends besides me. Not so glamourous!
So what I am saying is that the grass is not always greener like I thought. Next time you feel envious or jealous try this:
1. Take a deep breathe
2. Think of three things that you are grateful for (For me I am grateful for the stability and peace I have created. I am grateful for my job. I am grateful for my friends and family. I am grateful for my health.)
Just make sure this is from your childhood issues and not because your "mate" is acting like a pig. I had an ex like that and his behavior was so bad, and so hurtful that I finally just broke up with him. Any man that needs to take his eyes of me to look at all the other women that walk into the room has a character issue.
Who are you envious / jealous of if someone was to ask that question?
I have heard many people in many programs say "I am the Problem".
I differ most humbly. I am beset by a problem. I have a problem. If I AM a problem or THE PROBLEM, what is the hope I can ever be well, especially if I am corrupted by the problem?
If I have a problem, I can become willing to surrender it to Higher Power.
If I AM the problem, how will such a decision ever be made?
Just one thing you could consider. Peace and Grace to you!
I do envy people who have more money, but then I ask myself "are they happy in their work?". If they're not, all the money in the world can't fix that. If they are, they're among the chosen few who love what they do for a living. I've been asking myself "where can I more effectively place my talents where they are more richly rewarded?" Just reunited with a client in Miami in the music video scene, so I might indeed get very busy very soon doing what I love, shooting video. And, once I project my love of this process into the director and the rest of the cast and crew, they'll want to use me a lot, and oodles of cash will roll in because I'm working a lot. Here's hoping...