I do not believe in mid life crisis, its a cop out Most
of the time by the wronged spouse looking to excuse
The other spouse of any real accountability.

With you i would say go to Coda or alanon meetings.
Some Coda meetings have a splinter group of SLAA
Sex love anonymous. https://slaafws.org.

What have you done about your divorce recovery?
Divorcecare.org is a great group to attend.

I do not believe in dating unless You have healed. You just
bring you stuff to the Next person and not do all the hard
inner work you need to. Like Grieving, growing and changing
and learning to be okay all alone as a single person, HUGS

i totally believe in midlife crisis having had one.

You do need to change your insides becca, I had to. But I didn't psychoanalyse it and give it names. I don't recommend anyone give these things those sorts of names. Names confine concepts. Until you understand fully what you have been through (after you've been through it) you won't be in a position to name it.

I think the last love affair broke me through my growth layer, smashed that conceptual glass ceiling, because he used me and dumped me and I realised how passive and acquiescent I had been about it all. I had been so desperate to have a relationship I had put up with anything, and when I got dumped it was a respectable blow to my self esteem.

But that shock was an effective adrenaline shot to the heart so to speak. It got me awake at last to questions about 'who am I?' and 'what do I want out of a relationship?' and 'what am I prepared to sacrifice?'

Am I the person who does everything while the other sits back and coasts? Whats' in it for me?

And that's the fundamental question. What's in it for you Becca? What do you get out of this? Is this relationship actually in your best interests? Or are you just clutching at straws, grabbing at anything near you to help stabilise you when you are in a time of great anxiety? Because nobody will stabilise you. They're not stable themselves and carry their own sudden shakes and shudders. The only real way to stabilise is alone.

Is it then, a good idea to sit alone a while, and find yourself? Find out who you are and what you want? In my experience we change without realising we have changed. Sitting alone for a while wakes you up.

I went through hella anxiety and panic being alone to start, and then I adjusted. I have adjusted to everything major now and can 'see' the minor adjustments I need to make. There are quite a few. At work, at home, everywhere I look are more things I need to accept or change. When I'm finished all of that I'll look for another lover.

:)

How does one learn to be okay by themselves?

With patience, self-forgiveness and sitting in silence to know yourself. This is a journey which takes time, willingness and effort on your part to look deep for the good, the bad and the ugly...our shadow side of our personals that we do not share with the world. Only you and Your Decisions will Pull You Together...that is your job, we can support you as you do the work.

Think for a moment, and ask yourself...do I want to be rescued, or do I want to believe in myself?

As mirandac suggested, alanon, and coda meetings can replace your current therapy when done. It's taken me a very long time to create healthy relationships and boundaries.

If you are seeing a pattern with your relationships going back, this might be a good place to start working. Using self-care, the 12 steps to help you emotionally and to guide you,,,no matter what you want to call your current life, starting Now, and hoping for a better future can only be a positive move on your part. Best, ml

That's incredibly simple.

You let yourself be alone. the things that come up while you are alone? They are hurdles you need to jump over. They were always there.

People who are alone more as youngsters jump over them sooner, before they've learned big words and big concepts and cemented themselves into an identity that 'can't cope' with this or that. So instead of standing there, bewailing this hurdle, they just climb over it and carry on.

When we're older most of what we have to undo to get on alone is self-taught. All those 'I'm the type of person that can't...' crap has to go. And it is crap. It's adolescent crap made up to forge any kind of an identity at a time in one's life where belonging to a group and having a spiel they can tell everyone about themselves is paramount.

never start a sentence with "I". Never describe yourself. That locks you into a view that is too small for you to survive in.

So yeah. You learn to be okay by yourself by being by yourself and going through the experiences it brings up without cracking under pressure. And going through the growth you needed to go through all along, to be comfortable in your own skin.

lol...bridgie101 ,
::That's incredibly simple:::

Yet, Very Hard and Very Painful,,,,this is where those who have walked in these shoes understand, and want to support those who are struggling with all the self-doubts and confusion.
It Hurts like Hell. and this is why Alanon or Coda Meetings are So Important! To have that one on one understanding, in person as we process...

To this day, I still get triggered because I can still 'feel' the pain I see in someone's eyes. I still struggle with wanting to fix. Through Alanon, I've learned with the tools 12 steps, members experiences, someone else's pain is Not Mine To Fix....
This is their life journey to travel. am a person in their recovery path, who wants to support them, Not Carry them...best, ml

Codependents do not like to be alone
Especially if they have a mate. They don't
Like to let go, even when its become toxic.

It took me 18 months post divorce to Detach
from my ex and i am still Not all the way there
yet. HUGS

good morning all, thank you for all of your replies, thoughts and feedback. I do get the point of not labeling myself but I am definitely still grieving the marriage as well as subsequent relationships ive had since the divorce in 2011. its 2017, and I am grieving the loss of another relationship I ended in 2013, again - thinking I just wasn't ready but now I sit here and scratch my head wondering how I became attracted to and fell in love with the one now who is pretty much my ex husband reincarnated. that's the freaky part. He has opened my eyes though and talks to me so much more than my ex did - he has a different attitude of truly wanting to learn from his mistakes and be a better father ( not like my ex ) so I value that. Its just I am neglecting my family in order to see him , daily and usually late at night so I risk so much for him but its mostly ME forcing this type of contact - that's where the problem lies, I need to be alone ( but I never am anyway I have my 3 older kids full time and I am a runner , when they don't talk to me ( thank you instagram and technology!) I would rather be with him where at least we ( he ) will talk my ear off nightly LOL - do I make sense? HUIGS all - one day at a time right?

Personally i think you need some alone time
And to start going to live CODA/SLAA or alanon
Meetings. Divorce care is great too.

I really got a lot out of both programs together,
DC is about Grieving and moving thru the divorce
in a healthy Fashion.

Coda/alanon is about stopping any dysfunctional
Behaviors thoughts and actions. Learning to be Your
new best friend. Its a program that takes time So you
can grow and change. Its about being spiritual And
Being an emotionally mature adult.

What often happens if you do not heal that codie
within Or at least get honest about yourself. You
will keep finding the same types with a different
hat on, narcs/addicts love a sweet willing codie,
HUGS