I have this type of relationship with my son. I need him to move out of our family home for both our sakes but can not muster up the courage to do what feets like such a cruel act. I think that you realise you are in an unhealthy relationship i.e. have done everything for this person.. The worn clishe 'You have to be cruel to be kind' is applicable here. Good luck.

Sometimes we need to take a close hard look and define "friend" someone who has the other's best interest in mind. If we are always worrying about feeling selfish or how much it hurts us, that is the wrong focus. Though it is hard, we need to look at what is best for the person - are we helping or hurting them by staying in the relationship.

Me me me

PF - good thoughts, thanks

I use to be like that but I worked through all of it, I am free of it.

Cat...I totally understand what you are going through.

It is so freaking hard sometimes I feel like my heart is going to break into millions of pieces.

I left my husband after 11 years of abuse - between the two of us, drug addiction, alcohol - and he's an Iraq veteran on top of everything else.

I love him with everything fiber in my body -and I still want to run back to him - tell him I forgive him for everything that's happened between us - beg him to forgive me...

But then my senses start to kick in and I remind myself of all the cruelty and the lies and the bs.

I don't know if the hurt will ever go away completely. I just hope eventually I can let go of the pain and find the courage to open my heart again to someone else.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I was having trouble understanding what PF was trying to get at, but I understood basically everything that people said so far. Tigersnow, I hope everything works out alright for you.

yes i feel the exact same way. I finally gave in last night and told my ex that it was goodbye and that it was totally over and the guilt is killing me today.
hope all is well with you !

Yes. For the past 4 months I've tried to get away from my ex. He's lied to me repeatedly, cheated repeatedly, yells at me, ignores me, avoids me, and treats me like total shit. Yet every time I try to leave him, I feel guilty and feel sorry for HIM and go back. But this time I'm done for good. Been almost a week and I feel fine! F him!

Ha! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!! I kick my husband out because of the huge mess he has made of our lives and then feel guilty because I am OK when he is gone.

Just wondering... what if a spouse has totally wrecked the marriage with abuse, alcohol, crazy bs. But now he's in therapy and wants to be a better spouse in the future. Should I even think about giving him a second chance? Has anyone ever had good come out of the second chance? It's the "what ifs" that keep me chained to my bad relationship. What if I give up on him and miss out on a better future? Then I'll feel so guilty because he actually became a better person and I didn't give him that second chance. Is this just the codependency talking?????

No you are not a bad friend. For me, once I'm able to distance myself from a toxic friend/BF, I feel free.
I've been trying for a month to really have a clean break. Of course, he tells me how much he loves me and says exactly that I want to hear... "honey...I'm off the pain killers"....Honey....I started a jo"...Slowly I'm pulling away, it's not easy. I tried to end things nicely, but he keeps begging me to come back.. Then I tried being mean and he still keeps coming back. I know I need to totally disappear... I told hime tonight we would NOT be friends and I had no interest in having "lunch" with him...

No you are not a bad friend. For me, once I'm able to distance myself from a toxic friend/BF, I feel free.
I've been trying for a month to really have a clean break. Of course, he tells me how much he loves me and says exactly that I want to hear... "honey...I'm off the pain killers"....Honey....I started a jo"...Slowly I'm pulling away, it's not easy. I tried to end things nicely, but he keeps begging me to come back.. Then I tried being mean and he still keeps coming back. I know I need to totally disappear... I told hime tonight we would NOT be friends and I had no interest in having "lunch" with him...

After doing everything I could for as long as I could for my wife. I was thrown out of my home and I still felt like I was doing something selfish by not trying to do more. It has taken months to work through this and I still feel selfish sometimes. I realize that she was the one who was selfish. She was the person who had all of the affairs. But sometimes it just does not matter. It is tough. I will never go back. But, I do need to get over feeling like this. That will take more time and more therapy and more help from others. Perhaps you need to just move on and realize that you are not the selfish one in this relationship.