Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Does anyone else have issues with taking? Whether it’s a helping hand, a gift, a favour? Here are the issues I have:
I see everything as a ledger of sorts. When someone gives something to me, I feel like I have to return it and usually I return twice as much to make sure if anyone has any debt it’s not me. If I ask for a favour, I always try to give a gift certificate or something as a thank-you (which I think is still a good thing because I love making people feel appreciated.)
But sometimes I panic when offered something or when I’m in a position of having to take. I feel like I will be in their debt and that upsets me.
Another thing is I see people take and ask for things and I judge them for it. I get jealous that they ask for things like they’re entitled to people listening to them, attending to their needs, and making them happy, while I feel like I have to buy someone a palace in order to ask for breadcrumbs. It makes me so bitter and hateful towards them and I know that’s petty.
I was watching a video on emotional incest and they mentioned one of the signs is that we’re very judgemental because we’re been judged as children. Oh man did that hit me hard. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough, so I can’t take anything and it enrages me when people I don’t think are good enough get and take things and get upset when their significant other forget their birthdays or something. If I was told all my life I had to be good enough no wonder I’m constantly judging people. I know I need to stop, btw. Hopefully will get there, but it’a hard!
speaking of emotional incest, holy god did that opens can of worms! Still processing stuff so won’t go into it for now, but wow, did that explain a lot. Also made me super disturbed for a day but I got a handle on my emotions and will hopefully be able to set some emotional boundaries with my parents soon.
back to issues with taking, yesterday the universe gave me an amazing gift. Absolutely out of the blue an amazing person who I associate with deliverance showed up out of nowhere, unexpected, just happened to be in the neighbourhood, and gave me an amazing tuina massage that felt like 100 years of loving self-care.
Of course I’m super grateful and appreciative to that amazingly loving person, but I felt like the universe or a higher power had a hand in it because my dad was being a terrible bully and I think the universe knew I needed some strength to put up with him.
Except that made me wonder, does the universe expect anything back? Yes more hang ups from my Christian upbringing. God never gives anything for free. Also my parents’ care and gifts and stuff also felt conditional - they said god and parents give for free but then tell me I had to be a certain way in order to be worthy of it. Like I had to read my Bible, give them praise, evangelize and spread the gospel, give up my Sunday mornings, get good grades, be the smartest student, etc.
on one hand, I want to accept the guidance and help from said Higher Power. On the other hand, I wonder if there are strings attached.
So I guess my question is, does your higher power expect anything back from you or do you simply accept and enjoy? And does anyone else here have hang ups about taking things? How did you get over it?
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
We all have this higher power... we all have choice... be free to live your will :)
And I thought hey, maybe we ourselves are the higher power. That would be cool. Then I don’t have to worry about pleasing this higher power, trying to figure out its expectations, and feel like my needs and wants should be seconds to whatever it wants for me. I’ve written a lot of post on my struggle with this idea of a higher power.
At the same time, it has helped me IMMENSELY in letting go and not being anxious that things aren’t happening the way I want. It’s an interesting philosophical question to think about, where our free will fits in a universe with a higher power that wants us to let go of control.
I do think a lot of this higher power is our true inner self that we quashed aside for whatever reason. Though bobinmaine did say a higher power probably shouldn’t be your ego since that got us in trouble in the first place.
Definitely an interesting question and I do think there is a lot of truth to it. It certainly would help solve the problem of payment to a higher power if I was own my higher power.
Now to figure out how to get over the anxiety that any sort of taking require paying back a debt.
As far as giving, a friend once said to me that 'our relationship is unbalanced because you give so much, this makes me feel less than capable'...that was a Huge Eye Opener.
Receiving from others or asking for help, is So Very Hard for me because I think I'm not worthy or deserving...the codependent in my Has To Give in order to be accepted. I learned from an early age that alcoholism made me very independent because because of my emotional needs not being met and the confusing life of uncertainty.
I call this 'the emotional hostage' of hanging on to people who hurt me., and yes living and growing up feeling less than my potential did a number on my self esteem, life and accomplishments.
Today, Al anon and my age has turned my thoughts about myself to a place of growth and more understanding/compassion for myself and others. We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all can learn from our mistakes and make behavior changes...for me, this is where 'choice' can change for the better or worse, for ourselves or the people in our lives.
So thank you for the reminder of my Dear Mom...yes we had Huge Challenges, having been a Mother to my asperger son, I found forgiveness and acceptance, plus healing from what I once did not believe when she said "I'm doing the best that I can".
I chose to stop soon as I got into recovery . You may over give and be relating childhood patterns where you were taught to meet others needs And that it was your job to at your own expense , you’re trying to also repeat a pattern of gaining approval from others by ‘ doing things ‘ rather than worth in who you are as a person ,
I learned that there’s a difference with giving because I want to and giving to get love approval and acceptance , I had to learn to accept myself first . Also that my job is to meet my own needs first we can’t be responsible for other grown adults ,
A lot of it ties into over responsibility , and poor emotional boundaries in codependency.
That’s interesting your mother said “accept with grace and just say thank-you.” My brother used to say “just say thank-you” to me because oh man, do you want to talk about codependent! He was ten times worse than me. He’s a MANIC giver and showers people with stuff they don’t want and tells us all the time to just say thank-you. I feel bad for him because I know he’s just desperate to make the people he cares for feel cared for and take the stuff he spent time and money on, but it’s like dude, you’re smothering us just so you can fill an empty hole inside of you! Please don’t do that!
But when someone is giving not out of ego or trying to fulfill something broken inside and it’s something that I actually want, your mom is right, “accept gracefully and just say thank-you.”
But yeah I know what you mean about taking feeling strange to the gut! I still feel that way!
Hey Salina, I totally get the whole spending at one’s expense and then feeling resentful. I stopped that a couple of years ago when I finally wised up and realize I wasn’t doing anyone any favours. I still give but I do it because I love knitting things for people or I like making people’s day but I make sure it’s not at my expense. Good on you for realizing that.
It also makes me watch out for my attitude towards people who I think “got it easy.” I’m pretty good at not feeling entitled, but I do have a problem with petty jealousy.
It makes me realize maybe one reason I don’t take things is a pride thing - see the universe has been less generous with me like it is with other people but I don’t make demands like other people, see how much better I am.
Yikes! I may have to look into that too! Thanks for your comment. It helped opened my eyes that maybe one of my issues with taking might actually be pride.