Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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campbella1221 08/27/2017

Ive posted on a few forums but this one seems fitting to make connections on as well.

I've had dependency issues since I was little, when my parents divorced, although I didn't recognize the role it would play in my life until much later. I know I had codependency issues with my ex husband. I allowed him to get away with so many things including addictions and infidelity because I was always too scared to leave, worried about being alone and my identity being so wrapped up in the life I thought I had created. The life of this happy couple from the outside. To this day I still have codependency struggles with him as he constantly finds his way back into my life, claiming that he needs me to help him with his addictions, depression, and lonlinesss. I always return to the scene of the crime only to deepen my dependency issue with him. I though it was limited to just him but recently I've started to believe this problem is even bigger than I thought.

Friends suggested that dating again would get my mind away from my issues with the ex and start to enjoy a healthy relationship again. I had been dating some one for 8 month, knowing that he may not be the one for me. While I enjoyed his company, something was missing. That in love feeling, so I broke things off. Now I suddenly find myself depressed about the end of that relationship and am finding that even though I broke it off, I had become so used to his presence in my life that now I don't feel like I can be happy on my own.

self help books, friends, counselors all say you need to be happy and love yourself to break codependency cycles but where do you start? It is hard to just love yourself when you've been used to finding happiness through your relationships. I am also very hard on myself for being this way for so long. I Have a hard time letting go of things and moving on which I am sure plays into the " I can't do it" mentality.

campbella1221 08/27/2017

Mirandac. Can I ask what helped you to get through those two years of no contact? The longest I've gone with my ex husband is 5 months and it was a struggle. Now I am back to step quite one again. Also I had someone else in my life to help with the loneliness, but in some ways it made it worse, knowing it was a crutch to avoid feeling alone. I don't want to hurt anyone else with my coda problems so I think being alone is best but geez it's the one thing we fear the most.

Thanks again for your earlier reply.

Tinyblu 08/28/2017

Yep, sounds like codependency all the way! Ross Rosenburg explains this cycle perfectly in his book "The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People that Hurt Us." He talks about how codependency is like an addiction to love / lack of self love... He talks about the rush we experience when we're with that hurtful person, and how no one else compares because we're looking for "the spark / the rush" which is nothing more than our codependent reaching out.

And, yes, the key is loving self. The very hard process of detachment / No Contact was REALLY helpful for me. It was HARD at first because I missed the "illusion" of happiness or the short-lived validation that "he still wanted me". I had to learn how to be at ease with myself and focus on what made me happy.

I kept a journal, and whenever I missed him or wanted to reach out, I would remember a not-so-great moment and how it made me feel. It soon became evident that the "good times" list was much shorter. I also started "dating myself". At the time, I didn't have much money, so I would have to save up to take myself out, but I would get dressed, go to a movie (usually on a group on) and a nice dinner... ALONE. I would get a table and enjoy the entire meal. It was amazingly empowering!

I began to learn that I would only want to be with someone that treated me well, and the key was to start treating / talking to myself well.

It was a LONG, HARD process, but as time went on, I began to feel stronger, and I still have moments where I want to be with someone, but if that right someone happens to be me at the time. I'm happy with it.

One step at a time.... you can do this!!!

Songbird2582 08/30/2017

One thing that has really helped me make progress in addressing my codependency is keeping in mind that I developed these traits through no fault of my own. I typically take on the responsibility for everything. But my counsellor helped me see that this is one thing that is not of my own doing. It opened the door to real recovery for me. I am responsible for my recovery. But I unloaded the self imposed blame for having these issues to begin with. It has made a huge difference.

fragilephilosopher 08/31/2017

I understand the struggle. My partner is very busy these days, and I always seem like I am waiting around for them. When she has a night at home, I assume we will do something together. But it is rarely the case. I am no master at this, but do find that if I involve myself in a creative project, I puts less focus on my partner. More on me.

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