This is a great link and very helpful to understanding codependency and whether you are afraid of abandonment or engulfment. Check it out:

http://www.newconversations.net/pdf/human_becoming.pdf

Thank you for sharing that Mag! I'll definitely be reading that.

I can only speak for myself, but I have a process that I discovered in CoDA and Al-Anon programs, that is all about dealing with my blocks to intimacy.

I had to look at how my life had become unmanagable as a result of my fear of intimacy and abandonment. After that, I came to believe that something bigger than I am and something much bigger than my intimacy blocks could restore me to a place of not being afraid of my feelings, my needs and getting close to others who were safe and trustworthy. Working with a sponsor really helped me see where I was afraid to trust another human being and deeply mistrustful of God.

I took a leap of faith and decided that all my efforts to unblock my intimacy barriers had failed, both in the fact that I chose unhealthy and untrustworthy partners and friends, and that I was holding back from trusting those who were actually trustworthy. Taking an inventory of all the ways I blocked myself from connecting with me and others and all the ways I promoted intimacy was essential to letting go of the ways that weren't working.

Sharing that experience with others in similar pathways helped; me let go of the shame around that which kept me locked in isolation and fear. I became willing to do something different, and each time I was afraid, I reached out for help.

I am still involved with a partner who is terrified of intimacy, but I don't complicate it further, by being afraid of it myself. When I let go of my own blocks, I think my partner feels safer to let go of his.

Specifically, I work a daily program of CoDA, Al-Anon and a program for couples (Recovering Couples Anonymous). I have a sponsor and work my steps and my program with her and I sponsor other women as well. I also am in individual therapy and I practice my faith in a faith community that supports my efforts to grow. I also surround myself with people and events that support my efforts to eliminate the blocks in my life, that came out of my family of origin, which get in the way of intimate relations with myself, with God and with the people in my life, at home, work and play. I am getting better all the time at this, even when I make mistakes and slip back into my fear. I forgive myself and try to make a different choice the next time the opportunity shows up. That's what is working for me.

My story is that once I realized that the barriers I was using against intimacy were formed early as a child.. then I could begin to look at them.

I traced them back to my parents, my birth situation (I am adopted) and I realized that as a child these techniques worked.. but now I am an adult and now the very techniques I learned as a child no longer work for me and they are unhealthy.

I began to learn that I could not outsmart being hurt.. I learned that I could chose wisely who I let into my life.. but that still was no guarantee against hurt.

I tried to listen to partners who offered me criticism.. even if it seemed cruel and hurtful because they saw something in me that I could not see.

And I accepted the fact that many people both male and female were like me.. scared to death of intimacy.. and I made allowances for them....not excuses but allowances.. and I worked on being patient and kind to others and thoughtful. I started asking in a polite and kind way for what I wanted and I tried to step up my ability to listen to others. I tried to allow myself some vulnerabilities in the early stages of relationships so that the other person would see that and know that it was ok to be vulnerable.

It is always a work in progress.. but I think the bottom line truth I have learned is that behaviors I learned as a child to protect myself no longer works for me as an adult and if I want fullfillment in life and the richest life possible I must change.

My story is I have always been afraid of intimacy - even with my husband - I used to get all uptight and there are times that I still do - however I have come a long way. A book that was most helpful to me is called: The Road To Intimacy (Beyond Codependency) by Catherine Solange, Ph. D.
There were questions in there and other things that really challenged me to think about. And it is also about going back through to your childhood and figuring out the moment when you first became afraid of intimacy. I've done that - mine was when I was molested by my brothers - I stopped trusting people at that time and found a way to do an out of body thing when that intimacy time did come. It's not an easy road yet it can be done!