I’ve looked up alanon and codependency support groups in my area and have been devouring books and videos about codependency.  Thanks to the people who mentioned Melody Beattie and Lisa A Romano.  They’re awesome.

Lisa A Romano gave me a bunch of things to journal about when I’m being, uh, not treated nicely.  It’s a great alternative to being anxious and frantic, so I started journaling because I’m being stonewalled again and one of the question was “what am I afraid of?”

(BTW if you’re being stonewalled or given the silent treatment by someone, I highly suggest journaling and answering the following questions Lisa put forth: What am I afraid of? Who does the energy of the person giving the silent treatment match from  my past?   How long has this being going on for?  It’s way better than being anxious and obsessed with the other person and the results can be eye-opening.  Mine were mindblowing.)

Turns out I’m not afraid of abandonment.  People say codependents have abandonment issues but I’m fine with the idea of people leaving me.  I’m absolutely TERRIFIED of people thinking badly of me.  They can go, but I freak out at the idea of them going with a bad image of me.  I’ve stayed in friendships with people I absolutely couldn’t stand, people who I actually wish would die so I didn’t have to spend time with them, because I was so determined they keep a pristine image of me in their mind.  How crazy is that?

I also uncovered that I’m terrified that I owe people anything (I usually overdo my share to make sure I don’t owe anyone anything) and then realized that I’m more afraid that they think I owe them something.  Like I’ve wronged them and owe them back for it, and the only way I can pay them back is by self-fagellation.  Maybe that’s why I beat myself up so much and constantly apologize and don’t stand up for myself when people mistreat me.

I know the root of that is related that I was born after a bunch of young siblings died horrible deaths and I always felt guilty that I lived the non-wartorn-country life they never got to live.  I guess I always felt like my dead siblings hated me for that and the universe would realize there was a mistake somehow and I would have to pay for it.

I’m sure a support group or therapy will help me figure out how to process that wound so I could stop being terrified of people thinking that I wronged them or think badly of me.

This being a codependent forum, I’m sure others here have worried about people thinking badly of them, even if they couldn’t stand that person. Lisa mentioned how some of clients told her they wished their narc spouse would cheat on them.  I related to that so much!  I wouldn’t have to care of wronging them then.  

One more thing I want to add: my mom has been wearing herself down for my dad now that he’s old and sick and was complaining that he does nothing while she does everything and he never thanks her or acknowledges her.  Then she adds, “that’s okay, because when he dies, I won’t feel guilty.”

That was such a WOW moment for me because not wanting to feel guilt after they die is the main reason why I moved here.  At least I could see where I got my codependency from.