Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,331 Members
10,657 Posts
0 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Codependency Support Group

In need of advice/opinions...

rlb79
rlb79
I've been dating someone for the past 6-7 months, and there is a certain behavior he exhibits that I'm not sure if I'm just overreacting, or if it is in fact rude and inconsiderate like I feel it is. I've been working on my reaction to things and focusing on my own behavior, so with this topic I'd like some outside input. Overall our dating eachother has been pleasant. We laugh together, have fun together, attracted to eachother, etc. However, I feel that he can be very inconsiderate. For example: He will say he's going to come over, call me, or make some other type of plan with me, and then either be extremely late - or blow me off completely, or reach out to me when I'm busy doing something else. It makes me feel like he isn't respectful or considerate of my time and schedule. If I make a committment to do something with someone, I stick to it, and if for some reason I can't make the committment, I communicate in advance that I will either be late or I need to reschedule. But I don't allow people that I care about to think I'm showing up at 5:00 and then show up at 10:00 instead, with no explanation. I just think that's rude and inconsiderate. Am I overreacting here? So far there haven't been any really good reasons that would justify his actions. If something urgent came up, I would understand, but most of the time it's just "oh sorry, I lost track of time" or "oh sorry, I fell asleep" -- it may seem small in the grand scheme of things but ultimately it has made me feel very unimportant and on the back burner most of the time. I have communicated this to him, he listens and most of the time seems receptive and understanding. But then he'll do it again. At this point I am very frustrated. I have kept every one of my committments to him, and being that I can only control my own behavior, I'm not sure how to react to this. Do I become just as "unavailable" as he is? Do I walk away? I'm not sure what to do here but it's bothering me. This morning we talked about it and he got angry and said that he's tired of hearing about it -- well, quite frankly, I'm tired of being on the receiving end of a flaky partner. He doesn't know how that feels because I don't treat him that way. Maybe I should. But then where does that get us? I don't know....I would be grateful for some input here. Hugs to all...
deleted_user
deleted_user
Are you sure you're not my daughter? She's going through the exact same thing with her boyfriend of 6 months. He's a really sweet guy, to her and to my son and I, but he does the same thing: says he's on his way over (lives 15 minutes away) and will show up 2 hours later. Not all the time, just occasionally. Says the same thing: lost track of time. He does work a lot, and then goes to the gym, so he has a busy day most days. He'll call after the gym and say he'll be over in an hour, but them goes home, takes a long, long shower, primps and preens, then gets something to eat. He confesses he loses track of time if he gets engaged in conversation with his family, or gets caught up in a TV show while on his way out. He knows he does it, and is always apologetic. She has called him out on it and expressed how it makes her feel. He's been much better, but it still happens occasionally.

I guess you just have to weigh the good vs. bad in this relationship. For my daughter, he has been really sweet and attentive to her most of the time. He has his flaws, as do we all, and she is prompt in discussing issues she has, which is huge for her because she's codependent like me and tends to put up way too long with all sorts of bad behavior from men. But she's learning to stand up for herself and ask for what she wants/needs. It's been serving her well. He's better than he used to be about punctuality. I guess my only advice would be to have an earnest talk with him about how his actions make you feel and see where it goes from there. Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you.
rlb79
rlb79
Thanks cheryt....I will have to weigh the pros and cons and see how I feel about things after thinking it through. I have talked to him more than once about how it makes me feel, he seems like he listens and understands, then he does it again which makes me feel worse. I guess it's a respect and consideration thing for me. I know things come up that cause people to run behind, but have a little consideration for other people and give them a heads up if you know you've made plans. I'm frustrated with it to the point where, when he does it I feel like not being available when he finally decides to show up. Everyone's time is valuable in this world. We all have some place to go and some place to be. As adults I think it's basic consideration to make sure you don't blow off committments or make people feel bad that you're supposed to care about. Saying "it wasn't my intention" or "I didn't mean to" is all fine and dandy but it's not about words for me, it's about actions. I am really going to think this one through because I really don't want to invest more time in someone who takes my time so lightly and treats it so casually. There's a million other things I could be doing while he's losing track of time or falling asleep....maybe I'll just go do them and stop waiting around.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi: I don't know of many employers that would accept him being scheduled to start work at 5:00 PM and then him arrive at 10:00 PM. So he clearly knows that he has to be on time for certain things, but he doesn't put you in that class, and puts you below that class.

I think there's a respect you show for people and for me I wouldn't accept someone arranging to take me out to dinner at 5:00 PM and showing up at 10:00 PM. That's downright rude and inconsiderate and no excuse when you have a cell phone. Without a phone call, I would have left at 5:30 PM and then refused to speak with him for a long while.

What do you think your future will be like with him when he puts you in this "less than" category? If you need a ride home from work and get off at 5:00 PM, how will you like waiting for him until 10:00 PM because he doesn't rank you as high as his other stuff going on.

Set your boundaries because you can't change him, but you can change you. No one should do that to you. You deserve better.

For me personally, it would be a deal breaker. If I've been dating someone for 6 months, I expect reliability, dependability, and consistency of character, and this guy doesn't have those types of stability.
rlb79
rlb79
Thanks @astimegoesby, I tend to agree with you. It's very frustrating and I'm at a breaking point. He makes me feel like I'm just overreacting and being nitpicky but I feel like my frustration is valid. You're right, I can only control me, and I need to set a boundary here.
deleted_user
deleted_user
If I were you, I would tell him that from now on you expect him to be where he says he will be at the time he says he will be there, and that you will not wait more than 15 minutes. Then follow through. See what happens after this happens to him a few times. He'll either get the message, or continue being late. And then I think you have your answer. It all boils down to consideration. If he's inconsiderate of you, then consider dating someone else.
rlb79
rlb79
Cheryt - I totally agree with you. I am so thankful for the input I receive here and the support - you are exactly right, it all boils down to basic consideration. I'm tired of him making me feel like I'm just being a big cry baby and making a mountain out of a mole hill. It's not his time that's being wasted, he's not sitting around waiting for me and ultimately feeling insignificant, he's walking to the beat of his own drum and basically getting to me whenever he gets to me. Not ok with me. Sure, things could be worse, but I've been there done that with it being "worse" -- I'm not interested in back tracking or talking myself out of standing up for myself by saying "it could be worse" -- I would rather say "this is not working for me" and move on, rather than settle for treatment I don't deserve. Seems like such a basic concept but for some reason he struggles with it. It's not my issue but I will definitely be telling him that I won't wait longer than 10-15 minutes before I make other plans.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Good for you! Let us know how it goes.
deleted_user
deleted_user
He is being disrespectful and inconsiderate.. I am sorry and i hope things get better for you
rlb79
rlb79
Thanks everyone for your support and input!
deleted_user
deleted_user
There is no such thing as one person seeing eye to eye with everybody on the planet. There are also diverse values and definitions of what is right or wrong. In seeking a relationship the idea is to find somebody who is compatible with your values and reasonable expectations. If a person is always late Why? is a very good question. If your boyfriend was always late for work, classes or whatever how popular would he be? Thus, IS he late for these or similar important daily demands for punctuality? If not than what makes it so hard for him to be on time for you all the time and not have a reasonable explanation as to why? I had a friend who was always late on coming to see me, about an hour or 90 minutes late. I finally asked him why he had no problem arriving on time for that one bus that would take him wherever for a period of time but always late for me. He said he did not know it botherred me so much. AHA.
So ask him such a question if that is possible. Might be a good time to think of letting him go though. Punctuality ought to be there when it comes to him seeing you at a reasonable level, or else you may just not be the person that excites him. You do have the right to thank him for the good times but the emotional price tag for you is too high and say so long. Working on codependancy does not mean letting go of values and expectations that we have of others, unless WE are too rigid. Personally I don't find you too rigid at all. There are a lot of people who value punctuality. Seek them out and see who you are compatible with mutually. Furthermore limits without teeth are useless. In other words saying that if he insists on being late than he can expect to get a pink slip from you as a sign that he is no longer needed. I hear in your question that you need somebody who is much more punctual, and I relate to that. seek out the person if "boyfriend" does not want to be punctual. You have a right to have somebody in your life who is punctual.
rlb79
rlb79
@Douglasn, thank you for your input. I agree, and you are right - I value someone who is punctual. I value his time and I can appreciate the fact that he has other things to do aside from our relationship, so I treat his time as valuable and I afford him the same courtesy that I would like in return. So far it's been a struggle and a pink slip is not a bad idea.
newtocoda
newtocoda
Heres a suggestion: When he tells you that he is going to be there at a specific time lets say 5:00pm. So its now five oclock and he is still not there. You have waited for a few hours and its now 7pm. You can either make other plans and go out or when he shows up late refuse to see him. You might even give him a call and let him know that you have made other plans and he shouldn't bother coming out.

Perhaps, he might get the message if you start to show him that his behaviour is not acceptable, your time is valuable and he needs to respect that. If he doesn't get the message then it might be time to move on.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You have to decide what you are prepared to do and make sure you will carry it out.

If he is to be there at 5:00 pm, why should you wait two more hours for him? I think a half hour is long enough because he can call you if he is running longer than 5:00 PM. Someone who has a rep of being so horribly late (like supposed to pick you up at 5:00 PM and doesn't show up until 10:00 PM), doesn't deserve to stretch it to two hours and you don't deserve to wait that long.

Then since he doesn't call you or show up on time--you should go out and not call him. Then he eventually comes over to pick you up and you're not home. He deserves that to see how it feels. Maybe he won't like how it feels. It's usually how lessons are learned.
rlb79
rlb79
Thank you @newtocoda, I see where you're coming from and I appreciate your input. @astimegoesby - I actually did do a version of what you described this past weekend in a different form, and let me tell you, he didn't like it. Not one bit. I had a wedding to attend and I was helping with various parts of the setup and such - he knew for months that I was attending this wedding and helping out so I would be busy all day and night. He would text me throughout the day and I took HOURS to respond. He wasn't a happy camper. He did not like feeling like I had better things to do which is exactly how he makes me feel with his tardiness and carelessness. He even said he "knows what I mean now" -- so we'll see if anything changes going forward. But he did make it very apparent that it didn't feel good.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Good to hear. :)