Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello all. This is the first time ever asking for a help anywhere about my issues.
I hope I can be as clear as possible. It is very tough because there are multitude of problems on my side as well as hers. I'm not even sure if this is appropriate for co-dependency.
We got married last year, but it has been very difficult. We fight (or she yells at me) daily for various reasons. Before she even used to bring up kitchen knife or hit me with stick to the point where my entire arm was in different color. She no longer uses that sort of extreme violence, but she still does pinch me with her nail or kick me if she is very angry. Even without violence she uses harsh language that is too distasteful to even write them here. She says to get her point across and tell me how hurt she was, it was necessary to use these things.
She also brings up divorce as well, and when I get fed up and agree with it, she suddenly changes mind and says things like "I decided to make up for a few days" or at times plead me not to abandon her. If that doesn't work she starts talking about ridiculous alimony and tells me she is hopeless alone. Everything is so tiring that my emotion becomes distanced from her, and it shows up in my attitude or the way I speak, and that gets her even angrier, so the whole thing turns into a cycle. I want to get out, but I just don't know how to stand up for myself. I also feel sorry and guilty to leave her, because we are living in different country from where we were born, and leaving means she has to go back, and being near 40 means it would be very difficult to find a job to stay afloat there. She also has anxiety disorder that prohibits her from taking train or bus freely which makes it doubly difficult for her to live alone.
One major problem I have is that I keep telling her I want to continue our relationship when I clearly know I don't. The reason being that every fight is so long and taxing on my mind and body that I instinctively choose to avoid conflict. I want to find the strength to tell her how I feel and that I just can't have this relationship any more.
Any advise, suggestions, or even kick in my rear-end for doing something wrong, would be very much appreciated.
Thank you guys.
I hope I can be as clear as possible. It is very tough because there are multitude of problems on my side as well as hers. I'm not even sure if this is appropriate for co-dependency.
We got married last year, but it has been very difficult. We fight (or she yells at me) daily for various reasons. Before she even used to bring up kitchen knife or hit me with stick to the point where my entire arm was in different color. She no longer uses that sort of extreme violence, but she still does pinch me with her nail or kick me if she is very angry. Even without violence she uses harsh language that is too distasteful to even write them here. She says to get her point across and tell me how hurt she was, it was necessary to use these things.
She also brings up divorce as well, and when I get fed up and agree with it, she suddenly changes mind and says things like "I decided to make up for a few days" or at times plead me not to abandon her. If that doesn't work she starts talking about ridiculous alimony and tells me she is hopeless alone. Everything is so tiring that my emotion becomes distanced from her, and it shows up in my attitude or the way I speak, and that gets her even angrier, so the whole thing turns into a cycle. I want to get out, but I just don't know how to stand up for myself. I also feel sorry and guilty to leave her, because we are living in different country from where we were born, and leaving means she has to go back, and being near 40 means it would be very difficult to find a job to stay afloat there. She also has anxiety disorder that prohibits her from taking train or bus freely which makes it doubly difficult for her to live alone.
One major problem I have is that I keep telling her I want to continue our relationship when I clearly know I don't. The reason being that every fight is so long and taxing on my mind and body that I instinctively choose to avoid conflict. I want to find the strength to tell her how I feel and that I just can't have this relationship any more.
Any advise, suggestions, or even kick in my rear-end for doing something wrong, would be very much appreciated.
Thank you guys.
RS- do YOU think you have a condition at the hands of your parents?
I say you are mixing up the words and thereby the meanings are getting mixed up too.
The "WANTS" and the "NEEDS" are two very different things.
A want is an emotion but a true need is not.
We do not give an addict what they want because they want the addiction.
But we can give the addict what they need, as in getting them into treatment or taking one to the emergency room, or maybe even finding out whatever motivate the addiction and then provide whatever is needed to stop the cravings.
A codependent person tries to control the feelings and emotions of other people and those are the unhealthy needs for a dysfunctional relationship.
A wife who is afraid and out-of-control needs the help to calm down, and usually that can be done simply by stopping our own hostility and be nice to them.
I do not say to give an abuser what they want, and if an abuser needs to be put into jail then that would be the NEED but not their want.
He says that they have only been married for a year (one year) so the wife could be pregnant and maybe she does not know it herself or maybe she is afraid to tell her husband.
THAT IS JUST A GUESS as I know nothing but what is said here.
The husband needs ( not her need but his need ) to calm his wife down first before any healthy communications can happen, and in codependency that CALMING THE OTHER PERSON is done to soothe our self and to protect our self, but a husband to soothe his wife (or wife to soothe her husband) when done purposely in order to work out their problems is not really codependency - or at least not a dysfunction.
DeliA - you are correct that it is a fine line difference, but there really is nothing wrong with giving some sacrifice to those we love or to those we care about.
This might not be explained so well, because I truly believe that we must fight for a marriage as if our life depends on it, because for ever after we must live with the consequence and THAT is a hard load to carry for anyone.
The only way to deal with that problem is to start the separation/divorce proceedings.
Speak with a lawyer. They can help you with that.
Before you make it known to her that you are doing that, you need to do some things to protect yourself:
1. Get a PO Box that only you have access to and start having your important mail sent to that address.
2. Ask the lawyer whether it is better for you to stay in your current residence or if it would be better to leave and stay somewhere else while the divorce is going through. Because you are being abused, logic and reason would tell you to leave. But sometimes, if there is a property dispute issue, it is better to stay living in the current residence. Your lawyer can help you with this. If you need to leave, find a place to go: friends, parents, shelter, your own apt, etc.
3. Make sure to change passwords and make sure she does not have access to your bank accounts, credit cards, etc. I saw my mom totally wreck my Dad's finances when they split up. She maxed out all his credit cards - out of spite. She withdrew all his money and put it into accounts only in her name. Then she bragged about doing that to anyone who would listen. People can be AWFUL when they are threatened, such as when a relationship is ending. So protect your money. Do whatever you have to do to make sure she cannot access your funds.
4. You might want to notify your employer of the situation. This depends on your situation and your relationship with your boss/employer. You don't want her coming up to where you work and starting trouble.
5. Stay off of social networking, or if you must go online to sites like instagram, FB, etc. be VERY CAREFUL what you do and say. I wouldn't talk about her or the relationship or anything personal at all. It can backfire on you.
Good luck. ((hugs)) I hope things get better for you soon.