Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hello all. This is the first time ever asking for a help anywhere about my issues.
I hope I can be as clear as possible. It is very tough because there are multitude of problems on my side as well as hers. I'm not even sure if this is appropriate for co-dependency.
We got married last year, but it has been very difficult. We fight (or she yells at me) daily for various reasons. Before she even used to bring up kitchen knife or hit me with stick to the point where my entire arm was in different color. She no longer uses that sort of extreme violence, but she still does pinch me with her nail or kick me if she is very angry. Even without violence she uses harsh language that is too distasteful to even write them here. She says to get her point across and tell me how hurt she was, it was necessary to use these things.
She also brings up divorce as well, and when I get fed up and agree with it, she suddenly changes mind and says things like "I decided to make up for a few days" or at times plead me not to abandon her. If that doesn't work she starts talking about ridiculous alimony and tells me she is hopeless alone. Everything is so tiring that my emotion becomes distanced from her, and it shows up in my attitude or the way I speak, and that gets her even angrier, so the whole thing turns into a cycle. I want to get out, but I just don't know how to stand up for myself. I also feel sorry and guilty to leave her, because we are living in different country from where we were born, and leaving means she has to go back, and being near 40 means it would be very difficult to find a job to stay afloat there. She also has anxiety disorder that prohibits her from taking train or bus freely which makes it doubly difficult for her to live alone.
One major problem I have is that I keep telling her I want to continue our relationship when I clearly know I don't. The reason being that every fight is so long and taxing on my mind and body that I instinctively choose to avoid conflict. I want to find the strength to tell her how I feel and that I just can't have this relationship any more.
Any advise, suggestions, or even kick in my rear-end for doing something wrong, would be very much appreciated.
Thank you guys.
I hope I can be as clear as possible. It is very tough because there are multitude of problems on my side as well as hers. I'm not even sure if this is appropriate for co-dependency.
We got married last year, but it has been very difficult. We fight (or she yells at me) daily for various reasons. Before she even used to bring up kitchen knife or hit me with stick to the point where my entire arm was in different color. She no longer uses that sort of extreme violence, but she still does pinch me with her nail or kick me if she is very angry. Even without violence she uses harsh language that is too distasteful to even write them here. She says to get her point across and tell me how hurt she was, it was necessary to use these things.
She also brings up divorce as well, and when I get fed up and agree with it, she suddenly changes mind and says things like "I decided to make up for a few days" or at times plead me not to abandon her. If that doesn't work she starts talking about ridiculous alimony and tells me she is hopeless alone. Everything is so tiring that my emotion becomes distanced from her, and it shows up in my attitude or the way I speak, and that gets her even angrier, so the whole thing turns into a cycle. I want to get out, but I just don't know how to stand up for myself. I also feel sorry and guilty to leave her, because we are living in different country from where we were born, and leaving means she has to go back, and being near 40 means it would be very difficult to find a job to stay afloat there. She also has anxiety disorder that prohibits her from taking train or bus freely which makes it doubly difficult for her to live alone.
One major problem I have is that I keep telling her I want to continue our relationship when I clearly know I don't. The reason being that every fight is so long and taxing on my mind and body that I instinctively choose to avoid conflict. I want to find the strength to tell her how I feel and that I just can't have this relationship any more.
Any advise, suggestions, or even kick in my rear-end for doing something wrong, would be very much appreciated.
Thank you guys.
I'd go see a lawyer to make an exit strategy.
What I say is that you must STOP resisting her and start doing whatever she says and give her whatever she wants - so long as it is not criminal or immoral - and become an obedient husband to her.
If you do this THEN then you will be able to see far more clearly what is going on with the relationship.
This is my true advice based on my own experience and study, so it is not kidding or joking as the best defense is a full offensive with your wife, and that means give in to her as completely as possible because it will make a huge difference and improvement.
Love thy enemy - it really works.
I appreciate that you ask.
The reason is based mainly on the fact that he is the man and she is a woman, that he is the husband and she his wife.
He says that she has an anxiety disorder and that she is not in her own Country so she is under a huge pressure along with her conflict with her husband, and that needs to STOP and he can stop it.
Also he says that he has the codependency and that always includes a lack of healthy boundaries, and that he is violating her boundaries so again that needs to STOP.
Plus the principle that I said = "Love thy enemy" = That is a real and effective way for a troubled husband to deal with his wayward wife, and it really does work.
For him to do this then it will take strength, and so he is the man and he needs to be the strong one in that marriage, and he needs to do this for his wife and for his marriage.
Getting a lawyer and breaking up his own marriage is NOT strong - that is the ultimate failure and it is a surrender and he will live to regret that for the rest of his life and beyond.
What I say is to confront the real problem instead of walking away, and the only true way for the husband to do that is to submit to his wife.
The codependency has him confused, and his own codependency is what drives his wife crazy.
I have been there myself, and I have done that, so I feel very certain about it.
If he is really determined to leave her then he needs to make so that she will be okay, and that would include taking her back to her home and helping her get settled comfortably because he is her husband.
Of course this is just my own opinion and he must make his own decisions for him self and for his own marriage.
My husband is from Turkey, so I know all about the stress of being a foreign import and I also know about wanting to be a man by providing and making your wife happy. However, I also think that's actually NOT kind in a way, because it's not putting the onus on the woman. SHE is responsible for her own happiness and to think that a man can "make" a woman happy or that you can just provide-away her illness is false.
Like you, this is just my pov... : )
I am not from the East but I have studied and love the old teaching from the East, as like the Tao and Confucius and the Qur'an and the Gita and more, so I have been indoctrinated from the East.
Otherwise I am born and raised in southern Maryland and my grandparent ancestors were all Irish with one part German, also the avatar picture is really myself there.
I am very happy to be seen as outside of the USA culture, but I am familiar with it and I grew up in it and I still live in it.
In my view the mainstream USA culture is severely corrupt and unhealthy and it needs to be resisted by every due effort.
A big reason that I did change is because of the widespread codependency in the USA culture, so that in order to treat myself then I had to separate from the popular mentality of my own Country.
A man doing everything to stand by his wife is NOT the American way, and the American culture is wrong in that.
This is my own perspective (pov) of course, and so I stand.
Through sickness and in health ... let no one put asunder what God has joined.
DellAnnem,
I have my suspicion that she has borderline personality. I will make a note of it and I may try to bring that up.
Eddie,
Thank you for your kind words and music. I'm hoping to stay strong.
In fact I know my life is hell with her and that it will be much better without her. I just don't know the solution to get there.
Booky,
Thank you. Your perspective is a fresh one. One question. My wife is very intuitive and she can tell if I'm lying. If I try to submit to her, then I will be pretending that I love her (I care about her enough that I worry about her safety if she goes on her own, but not enough that I love her as a woman anymore). Do you mean that I should commit to the pretend love for her? And perhaps find the love again as in "fake it till you make it" type of situation?
If you can elaborate, that would be great.
Thank you all again.
It is my pleasure to elaborate.
I did NOT mean to lie, and to lie is the worse thing anyone could do.
Everything can be done honestly, and I always say to be honest.
You tell her why you do it if she ask - certainly yes - "I am (you are) just doing what you (she) wants."
Tell her = "I am doing this to make you feel better."
And to - "Love thy enemy" - does not mean to LIKE thy enemy, because they are still an enemy who we might not like.
Also I honestly see you getting mixed up on the meaning of love, and most people get love mixed up because TV and Hollywood paints a false and selfish kind of love which misleads everyone.
Love is an action word (a verb) and it is not really a feeling. So that if we (you) do things that are loving (do the action) then that is doing love.
Doing sex is not love, but being loving while doing sex is.
It is actually considered the greatest of love when we do love without wanting to do it, and to do love without feeling the love - that is the ultimate.
In codependency then I learned that we can feel love but that is still not a feeling. The feelings come into our body while emotions go out of us. Feelings in and emotions go out. Love is an emotion. As such we can feel love from other people because their love is coming into us (we feel it) and it feels wonderful when it is right, but our own love has to be going out from us (an activity) so then other people can feel our love.
Therefore if you do things for your wife to make her happy even when you do not want to do it - then she will feel the love even though you do not feel it.
If she ask you then tell her (no lies) that you are just going along with her to keep her content, and then your words will have power for her, and not many people can hold their stand against that kind of a loving offensive.
She is upset and afraid and troubled and she has mental difficulties so she needs to be soothed and calm her down and THEN she will start talking to you as a wife to her husband.
I preached this as a fact because I believe it is a proven way of dealing with a hostile relationship and it has always worked for me.
Still it is your life and your wife so it is only your decision.
In general, I think marrying for love is a misplaced ideal. That's a long story.... But I also think that divorce is done too quickly. However, when someone is being abused, I will suggest that the abuser has invalidated the marriage contract so the victim should feel free to leave without any guilt. If RS decides to seek divorce, he's not breaking the vows- his abusive wife did long before. Yes, in sickness should be preserved in cases of depression, anxiety, cancer, etc. But I don't think a person should have to be stuck with being beaten- physically or emotionally. I think God would forgive a spouse for leaving under those circumstances. I'm not a theologian, but this is my point of view.
There is the whole macho thing of guys having to be 'The S**t' but I remember growing up and being a scaredy-cat little boy who was slightly effeminate. But I was NEVER gay, I was more Sexually Anorexic.
I can relate very personally to your predicament (although the abuse I suffered was not of the physical variety). I feel particularly aligned with the guilt that keeps you committed to your spouse in spite of the 'toxic relationship' - so read the last paragraph to find out how I successfully dealt with it. I too have a spouse who has mental health challenges.
So I think I can give you a little insight about what happens if you choose to play this out (i.e.Stay committed to the relationship). How do I know? Because I stayed for over 25 years.
You do as Booky suggested and 'give-in' to her demands - because it keeps the peace. Little by little her demands increase and get more outrageous and one-sided. You privately resent her and lose yourself because it's replaced by the thoughts, attitudes and behaviors required to keep up with her demands.
You have a couple of kids and buy a house. Thus the reasons for staying multiply and the prospect of leaving becomes more complicated. You waste years of your life being unhappy. And worse yet, you raise your kids to be codependent and they repeat your cycle (I know that I was just repeating the cycle I witnessed from my parents).
Eventually you wake up and see the light. It's 100 times harder when your life with her is all you've ever known, but you finally put your foot down and choose to divorce (before the toxic relationship kills you). Thru the ups and downs of divorce, you emerge happy and content on the other side. She suffers some because she now has to handle her anger and problems on her own - but she survives. But being the bouy that you are, you quickly float to the surface. You find a way to deal with the guilt and move on.
I fell out of love with my spouse years ago and 'faked it till you make it' for years. I wanted to leave (desperately at times). I even tried once and got some 'very temporary' changes/compromises from my spouse.
Then I stumbled across the book In Sheeps Clothing and it helped me realize that my spouse was manipulating me. I was mistakenly assuming that he had the same capacity for guilt and shame that I did (& thus would never knowingly use/hurt me). As a matter of fact, he sought me out, specifically because I was overly conscientious and susceptible to guilt (he guilt-tripped me on a regular basis to keep me in-line - which I couldn't see until I read it in the book). Users do that - seek out codependent types. I'm now on the road to freedom (although still in the muck of divorce) and 100 times happier.
Good luck to you.
Thank you for elaborating.
I definitely see good points in what you are saying. When I can commit to what I do for her, she tends to be happier and everything is smoother. It's just hard for me to keep it consistent. Also some of what she asks is difficult on personal level. Like confronting my parents: she thinks I have developmental disorder that they are the cause of, and she asks me to confront them, even though she tells me to keep being honest with myself and tell her if I feel uncomfortable to do something. I obviously told her as much, but she tries to force me to do it anyway.
GoodProvider,
Thank you for your kind words. I think you are amazing to have gone through what you have gone through. I will try to read that book. It's very confusing for me, because on one hand I can feel I'm being manipulated into doing something for her, and on the other I feel that she has a point and she is right. She makes valid points and I have no way to counter argue it. Most times I feel I'm just plain wrong for anything I do or have opinions of, because she shoots them down with logic. I feel like a child for saying this as I'm admitting that I'm the illogical one, but somewhere in my heart something is wrong, and I just cannot put it into words to her. She uses guilt as tool to win an argument as well, but she does make strong case for her opinion where as I struggle to do so.
Regardless, it is totally unacceptable for her to treat you in this way and I would very much advise you to consider leaving her. Yes it will be hard for both of you, and I admire your concern for her wellbeing after the breakup. However, she doesnt seem particularly concerned for you and your feelings as of right now. Therefore it is important that you do is whats best for YOU, and put yourself first.
Good luck x