I have been reading this everyday for years now. I get so much out of it. I like that I will not try to control or regulate anybody except myself. I also realize in not showing anyone I am hurt, it is for me to take responsibility for - to stop blaming someone else for hurting me, and to look at what I am doing to contribute to it, be it being in the relationship, being so self centered to think that someone could not be their sick/hurtful self that comes across to me, or just to let it go...

This is a beautiful series of thoughts, but there are days - like today - when I don't feel capable of even this... :(

I too have loved and lived by this reading for years, and it works best with someone who is resistant to working cooperatively with me for intimacy.

In an intimate relationship that is healthy, I will be able to share my feelings, whether they are joyful, hurt, confused, sad and be heard, just as I share them in meetings with people who are empathetic, encouraging and supportive.

Communication and intimacy requires that both people feels safe and internally strong enough to hear and be heard, including the discussion of unresolved issues that are bringing pain and disharmony to the relationship.

My experience is that when I am with healthy and loving people, I can show my hurt, and it will be received with love and grace. I don't have to hide what I feel, because to do otherwise would result in a lack of serenity.

This reading is from Just for Today (from Al-Anon) and it was used to describe how to handle living with an alcoholic or someone otherwise not present emotionally or spiritually. It does not represent a way of life that is optimal, in my opinion. It is immensely useful in dealing with narcissists, self-centered, unavailable people.

I am of two schools of thought here. I first of all believe that it is helpful to deal with hurt feelings on my own when i know they are coming from my childhood place because i am letting a situation in the present be effected by the past and i need to sit with this and hand it over to my hp.

However, when it is coming from my adult self it is vital that i speak my truth and make my feelings known. I have spent too long being afriad to open my mouth to a narcassistic father who wouldn't 'hear' me anyway but now i am able to stand on my two feet and either reomve myself from him if i choose to and this is tough as i work for him or i can respectfully but clearly make it known that i will not be bullied and made to feel less than. I have a right to my feelings and beliefs and when he tries to tell me i don't i now know that i can stand up to him and it feels great.

To keep quiet with a narcassist is to be controlled by them but to speak out to them is often a futile exercise. I always want to stand true to my inner life from now on and i will fight the good fight.

Wow! I was moved by that last post! I think that dilemma (to be quiet and perceive I am being controlled or to speak up without a productive outcome) is the most frustrating experience I currently have in my life.

When I speak up to my husband who spends a lot of time acting narcissistically, it usually creates a lot of distance (he gets defensive and goes on the attack or ignores my words and feelings) and I feel badly afterwards. When I don't speak up, he has no clue as to what he did that was hurtful and I feel resentful and controlled by his lack of sensitivity and willingness to keep me quiet so he is not challenged by me.

I am not sure, and I would love some feedback by anyone who cares to comment, but I think that I am playing into my codependency, when I keep speaking up to someone who has no interest in hearing me. I think if I voice my distress to my sponsor or to a friend in recovery, I would probably have less angst and feel better. Since he doesn't listen to me anyway, I think I am better off separating myself emotionally from him by going elsewhere to be heard. If he doesn't change, it will make the leaving less painful for me and I will see the situation more clearly, than if I continue to engage in power struggles with him....I want to be heard and cared for; he wants to be left alone to do whatever he feels like doing....and remaining "uncriticised" is more important to him than contributing to my happiness as his wife. Thoughts, anyone?

Grace, I understand what you are saying about your husband. I agree that he wants to be left alone and he's not really hearing you. However, I feel that giving up entirely and seeking outside ears would build a gap in your marriage that may be unrepairable. I wish I had better advice on a happy medium, but he has to be willing to cooperate to accomplish anything. The goal of your struggle is so that you both end up content, and not one person feeling miserable or unappreciated. If he's not willing to contribute a joint effort, I suppose you have no choice but to seek comfort where it will be happily given.

Another note...I just joined this support group b/c I'm pretty sure I have problems w/codependency. But after reading this poem--as nice as it is--I'm confused about what codependency is b/c many of these things are the opposite of what I need help with.

For example, it says to 'do 2 things I don't want to.' My problem is that I ALWAYS do things I don't want to--I can't say no--which means I have an endless to-do list. My issues have to do with always putting the world's issues before my own--always being concerned with how my friends and family will feel. I never put myself first, and then I'm left resenting my loved ones for my own doing.

So, it would be really helpful if someone could tell me just exactly what co-dependency is, so I can make sure that I'm in the right place for the support I need to change.

the best part of this is the "just for today" because if you read this and follow it every day. Your no longer making it an act but developing a healthy new habit.

Grace, I am not sure how if would describe continuing to open up to someone who does not receive it as codependent. I just know like you said it is probably best to tell someone who can receive it and support you. These are the type of issues I dealt with with a counselor regarding an abusive relationship, and to continue to reach out to someone who is not able to consider my feelings was getting caught up in the cycle of emotional abuse for me.

Coden, there are some wonderful recommendations here on readings about what is codependent - Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is probably the most famous book on the subject.

My understanding of codependency is a way of coping as the result of involvement with someone who was codependent themselves or had some other obsessive or addictive habit where we felt caught up in their behavior and it affected ours, sometimes ways too obvious for us to recognize.

For instance my mom's dad was alcoholic so she is an adult child of an alcholic, though she does not agree with this (denial is a big part of addiction). My dad is a gambler. In the home there is a lot of mom doing for dad what he should be doing for himself that keeps him from suffering from the consequences of his addictive lifestyle, and this way of living seems so automatic it is sometimes picked up without even recognizing it. I have always gotten into relationships with addictive people and got caught up in trying to fix, control, regulate, change them...

The just for today sayings from Al Anon, it suggests to do "2 things" I don't want to do just for exercise - I think if traditionally there is a lot of putting everyong before ourself first, maybe this can be looked at as a way of limiting that to two things?

Learning to take care of ourselves and let others suffer for their consequences for things they should be doing for themselves for me is a way to recover from this codependency. Of course children, sick people we may have different responsibilities... there are a lot of gray areas here that are not black and white!

Hi coden23,

the poem is a personal affirmation and it is not a doctrine on codependency.

If you read it through it never even mentions the word codependency.

Being codependent is a condition about controlling and unhealthy attachments and treating it is very rewarding and empowering and it is even fun to do when recovery is done right.

Here are some helpful links that I like - but the links are not perfect either,

Control;
http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/codependency.htm

Detachment;
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Boundaries;
http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/boundariesbook1.html

Bye now.

Thanks for the thorough answers! That was helpful, and I'm definitely going to do some more research.

I guess I assumed the poem was about co-dependency b/c it was one of the first things I read after joining this group.

Hi, thanks for the comments, all. Coden, I have always interpreted the Just For Today re: doing two things I don't want to do for exercise, to be those things that I should be doing for my own betterment, but am not motivated to do. For example, if my tendency is to react in anger, then I can be quiet and reflective, even though I would prefer to react because that is natural. Or if I am needing to clean my house but I would prefer to watch TV, I can do that. Or if I would rather watch TV rather than get exercise, I can go on a walk. I think that's what it has meant, not saying yes to something when I want to say no, just to please someone and avoid conflict (codependent behavior).

I like this post because, al-anon, for the most part, is for people who are codependent with an addictive person.

What I like most about Just For Today, is that it puts the focus on me. "I" follows every "Just For Today", and as far as I'm concerned, I need all the help and reminders I can get to keep the focus on myself, rather than trying....

"Just For Today, I'll tell my friend to exercize because she needs to and it would be really great for her even though I smoke like a banchy and never excercize...

This is one of Al-Anon's best pieces of literature, and it stays on my fridge! It is like others have said, the core of detachment with love. I think why it works so well, is that once you have wrestled with an addiction to some one who is addicted to a chemical like alcohol or drugs, you have a template to use with the rest of the world. E.G., I came into AlAnon and CoDA because I lost myself in an alcoholic marriage, left that marriage 15 years ago, and I still use those programs, because I can attach to anyone or anything, and this reading is the backbone of the work done in those programs, hard as it is! Sometimes, the hardest person to practice my program with is my husband, and he is another codependent, not at all addicted to any substances, only people, places and things!

Grace, thanks for the clarification--that makes sense b/c I do put off doing things for myself b/c it's easier to forgo it all together than find time for myself in the midst of doing for others. So, in a sense, I don't want to b/c it makes life more difficult--it means I have to say no to someone else to say yes to myself--which is the part I don't want to do.

With this new perspective, I am understanding this post better. Seems everytime I read it, I get a new and different meaning. It seems like an awful lot to do all in one day lol! Maybe I'll try to accomplish one paragraph at a time for the day before I do it all.