Detaching with love is tough one, i found detaching from
My ex almost impossible.

Many can, say if they are drinking And drugging you just
know its not smart to get close or to Trust them. Some don't
have sex that helps with the detaching too. Don't enable
them or make their life easy because of their Addiction.

In alanon the belief is to focus on yourself and do Whats best
for you, many live their own lives and still Stay with the addict.
Alanon does not promote leaving The addict unless there is
abuse. Its really about making your own decision after getting
healthy and strong Enough.

My ex was dry for 30 years so i had a very tough time detaching
From him. I had to go no contact after the divorce and left town.

Does you spouse drink and drug? Often gamers are a little
Different kettle of fish. Its still an addiction like gambling. Not
All are active drinkers.

My suggestion is to go to CODA/alanon for help and support.
HUGS

Thanks for this quick reply!

Thankfully he hasn't had problems with drugs, alcohol, or gambling. Which it makes me feel like I'm making a big deal about things since it could be worse. Well I don't know how I could feel much worse, but at least he's not draining our finances.

I think saying stuff like that has also kept me in denial and I've not tried to get myself out of the situation.

None the less, his addiction is real. He constantly puts gaming as top priority... over chords, his health, and us.

If he does follow through on plans I've made with going out to meet people... he usually complains or is consistently late. I've just started leaving without him.

How long were you in the marriage? Thats interesting that they don't want a person to leave unless there's abuse. Do they consider emotional neglect as abuse then?

Also did you ever experience them doing a day or two of being perfect or at least try to be. All to win you back... and then they go back to the same pattern? Driving me nuts.

Gaming addiction can be serious, i am glad he is
Not spending any real money outside of the games
Themselves.

Alanon is different they don't encourage spouses leaving.
Their thinking is our changed behaviors such as with no
enabling, detaching, staying on our own side of the street
Plus many more changes in us will hopefully the addict
Notices and wants to embrace changed behaviors too.

Many do live life like a single Person would, some get a
divorce because of financial problems and liability.

Its all really up to you when you get healthy and strong
Enough to leave or stay. He is not drinking, drugs or
spending Money so no rush, just work on you.

I was married for 30 years, he was dry our entire marriage
Never a relapse. My ex worked a lot so that was the priority
Keeping him going. No we did not have those back and forth
Issues.

I would just go to CODA for you to get better and healthier,
Codependency is a huge issue and takes tons of hard inner
Work. HUGS

I was addicted to computer games, mainly because I'm going through empty nest, and live alone. For me, computer games were a way to 'numb' my feelings of loss, loneliness, and pain surrounding what happened for my son to 'need' to leave and my part...causes.

If your husband came from a family of addiction, he may have done the 'same numbing' to not deal with what he doesn't accept, doesn't want to work on, or just to avoid because it's easier. From what you wrote, frustration, lack of validation, and the 'choice' to change his behavior is very challenging in you day to day life.

If you can, try to go to Alanon/Coda meeting in order to create some boundaries, emotional boundaries to help you cope/understand you are the only one who can change, It's is very good behavior on your part to not enable!!! So you are ahead of the game of self-care in that respect.

Because I felt pain and guilt over the amount of time wasted playing games, due to lazy and depression, I got myself into a support group to reduce my isolation and learn a new way to live being more productive and creating a daily/weekly routine for my self structure of each day. Instead of playing computer games, I still do, but now I listen to TED talks on utube or anything that I enjoy...music, relaxation etc. I've found by doing those things, and especially listening to self motivation TED talks...my thinking process is changing...One I really like is Stop screwing up your life...an inspirational talk is a woman called Jill Taylor Bolte...amazing woman of determination and recovering her life after a stroke...hope this helps, an Alanon book I liked is called "The Courage To Change", it has daily readings to help understand, motivation and supporting the journey. Best to you as you process...ml

Thank you both for sharing. I'm going to a Coda meeting this Thursday and really looking forward to it.

I believe my husband took on this behavior as a child as a means to escape emotional neglect and verbal abuse from his father. His father was a workaholic. He constantly put work as his top priority. I've felt sorry for him because of it, even though he doesn't talk about it ever. That's why I kept trying to research things to fix the relationship. I'm honestly not asking him to give up games entirely. I know he enjoys them and they are part of his identity. I'm just asking him to change his priorities.

I can understand why gaming is such a powerful addiction, it provides him with a large community, its convenient, and it challenges him. But the stimulus it provides is what keeps him locked in for so long.

That's great to hear that support groups really helped you. I'll take note of those books and Ted talks. If he will come around and admit to his addiction I hope he will read/listen to them. After one day of detaching emotionally I'm actually starting to feel better. But I know I have a long road.

Thanks :)

Recovery is a single journey maybe he
Will get interested maybe he won't. This
Is all about you really.

I could not fix my ex or my Marriage. They
are their own people with their own journey.
You are each Unique people.

I kept beating my head against a brick wall
For too many years. They need to want to
Change for themselves. Many people can
Not get near their wounds. My ex wouldn't
I thought he was okay. Instead he embraced
His abusive mother when he wanted out of
The marriage. HUGS

You asked what others have attached to when we detach with love. Well, I attached to myself and to God. I decided I had to work on me. I journaled as my outlet for talking about my grief over the ex's addictions. I made plans on paper for getting him out of the house. I learned as much as I could and opened my eyes to viewpoints beyond my own understanding. Here is a quote that I like: "Detachment is not the absence of love but the ability to take care of yourself in the midst of someone else's choices." So what would taking care of you and focusing on you look like? What if all that energy spent focused on his computer usage was better spent working on yourself? What if you were having fun while he was engrossed in his addiction? See where I am going with this. You are trying to fix the relationship while he is not invested in any change. You can't fix him. You can learn to accept how he is now, and how he may always be, but you can't make him change. Some people decide no more and some people decide to just create their own good life while staying in relationship but changing how they think about the other person. I heard someone wise say that being married to someone with an addiction is three in the marriage: you, the spouse, and their addiction.

Hi congratulations on you’re recovery journey . Imo most addicts are emotionally unavailable, my mum is a pain killer addict , my siblings all show addict like behaviours as they’re not dealing with their own trauma I would be addicted to researching as a way to numb my feelings and addict like behaviour before recovery ,

One thing I will say is you changing and becoming better may not mean your partner will change in some situations that may be the case , do what’s best for you it’s not an easy journey when there’s a lot to change and unpack .