Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
At the moment my husband is so stressed he is like a time bomb waiting to go off. He has stress at work and ongoing stress at home as we try to rebuild our relationship.
He has recently recognised that he can't change me or make me what he wants me to be and he is trying to get on and make a life for himself without expecting me to make him happy. He said that he would try not to blame or accuse me amply more.
I continue to walk on eggshells around him as he is so volatile and full of anger and resentment toward me and I try not to trigger him and have it all spew out on me.
Yesterday we were on our way to see a film for our anniversary and on the way I ( maybe unwisely) began to share how I was going. It was a minor thing, I was expressing how our relationship has been so full of drama that I was finding it a bit hard to just chill out and know how to talk about normal stuff. I wasn't blaming him or expecting him to do anything about it.
He immediately jumped on me, accused me of not understanding how he felt, that he was too stressed to have me 'dump my problems on him', he told me that I don't get him, don't support him.....
Needless to say we had an awful time out.
On the way home, he told me all over again everything that I am not, brought up my past failures and told me how it wasn't nice to be with me, all the same stuff that he has always done
I began to blame myself for talking about my feelings and have withdrawn from him because I feel shredded and so unsafe all over again.
He told me that it wasn't fair to expect him to support me emotionally if I don't support and hear him. How can I hear all this over again without being ripped apart?
I feel like I need to tell him how I am feeling but I am scared to bring it up after his response yesterday. What should I do? I feel like I need to get away from the time bomb because I think that whatever I say is likely to set him off and I don't know how to handle the fall out.
Any advice?
He has recently recognised that he can't change me or make me what he wants me to be and he is trying to get on and make a life for himself without expecting me to make him happy. He said that he would try not to blame or accuse me amply more.
I continue to walk on eggshells around him as he is so volatile and full of anger and resentment toward me and I try not to trigger him and have it all spew out on me.
Yesterday we were on our way to see a film for our anniversary and on the way I ( maybe unwisely) began to share how I was going. It was a minor thing, I was expressing how our relationship has been so full of drama that I was finding it a bit hard to just chill out and know how to talk about normal stuff. I wasn't blaming him or expecting him to do anything about it.
He immediately jumped on me, accused me of not understanding how he felt, that he was too stressed to have me 'dump my problems on him', he told me that I don't get him, don't support him.....
Needless to say we had an awful time out.
On the way home, he told me all over again everything that I am not, brought up my past failures and told me how it wasn't nice to be with me, all the same stuff that he has always done
I began to blame myself for talking about my feelings and have withdrawn from him because I feel shredded and so unsafe all over again.
He told me that it wasn't fair to expect him to support me emotionally if I don't support and hear him. How can I hear all this over again without being ripped apart?
I feel like I need to tell him how I am feeling but I am scared to bring it up after his response yesterday. What should I do? I feel like I need to get away from the time bomb because I think that whatever I say is likely to set him off and I don't know how to handle the fall out.
Any advice?
nxtofkin
So sorry to hear how he treats you. Its not right that you have to live in fear of his wrath just for being human and trying to communicate as a caring wife. You are not alone in this, and dont ever let his abusive ways ever cause you to second guess yourself. Counseling helps a lot. If he won't go then go yourself and get advice on the best plan for you. Try to focus on the good things other people think of you and know that he is only a tiny man stepping on you to try and make himself feel bigger.I'm speaking from experience and I know for sure one thing an abuser does not have is credibility. He may be too mesed up to be capable of providing emotional support to you so the less you rely on him and the more you rely on yourself (and for me I rely on God), the better off you are and its less of a let down when you stop placing your hopes on a pile of dynamite. My situation hasn't yet been solved,but I'm learning how to have my own life and not be so devastated by his actions. Hope you find the peace you deserve. ...Hugs.
possumlady
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, I do feel that I have placed my hopes and my self esteem on shifting sand, my happiness depends entirely on his opinion of me. I guess I need to stop relying on him for my wholeness and look to God for what I need.
deleted_user
Just as you don't want him to rely on you for his happiness, you have to stop relying on him for your happiness. Happiness comes from within. In order to have a healthy marriage you have to be able to talk about things that are bothering you (not rant and rave, as my STBX liked to do, but really talk). If you can't converse with him, then get a good therapist to talk to. They can help you sort out your life to see where you go from here. I do think many men place all of their self-worth on their job, and when their job isn't going well, then their life isn't going well. Not saying it's right, just common. But you can't help him with that one. It's his job, and he needs to be the one that does something about his unhappiness with it. I do know that it gets so tiresome to listen to. I used to beg my STBX to stop bitching about work, but he just couldn't. It was his undoing, and the end of our marriage. I hope for your sake your husband sees the error of his ways and commits with you to trying to mend your marriage.
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