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How to Say Good-Bye to Rejection
Written by Bruce Doyle III, Ph.D. |
At some point in our lives we all come face to face with feelings of rejection. These feelings can be brought about by many situations. A lover, partner, spouse, or a close friend decides that they want out of the relationship; a parent declines an offer to visit for the holidays; the company you desperately want to work for turns down your application; your family doesnt like what you just spent hours cooking. Think of the last time you felt rejected. What were the circumstances?
Fears of Being Rejected
For most of us, the feelings related to being rejected are so severe that we will do most anything to avoid putting ourselves in a situation where they may be triggered. Selling products is a big trigger for a lot of people because they fear the feelings that would arise should someone say no to them. Sales trainers often condition new salespersons by having them assume they are going to hear no fifty times. The trainers create excitement about each no by telling salespeople it is getting them closer to the first yes. This may work on the surface, but the underlying fear is still there. But what if I hear no 100 times? someone might think.
Lets examine the circumstances related to feeling rejected. First, where do our feelings originate? What causes them? You guessed it: our feelings come from our own thoughts. That means that our feelings are self-determined and not caused by someone else. No one else can generate our thoughts. They are ours and, consequently, so are our feelings. The thoughts about being rejected come from our own perception of what happened. That means that the event the rejection doesnt exist. Its only our mental perception of the event that labels it rejection.
Reframing Rejection
Several years ago when I was doing career counseling, some of my clients would refer to the rejection letters they received in response to mailing their resume. As they described the circumstances in detail, I could see that they felt personally rejected. They were taking the rejection letter to heart. Their perception of having been rejected was having a very negative impact on their attitudenot a good situation for conducting a job search.
To help them shift their perspective so they could keep their energy positive, I created a simple exercise. See if it works for you.
Exercise: Changed Perception of Rejection
Imagine several small items on a tabletop. One is made of rubber, one of wood, one of glass, one of plastic, and one of iron. Now visualize a magnet about the same size as the other objects. Imagine moving the magnet to the rubber, then to the wood, and in turn to the glass and the plastic. What happened? Nothing. Now move the magnet to the iron. What happened? Smack! The magnet and iron stuck together. Why? Because their properties attract each other. They are a good match.
Did the rubber, the wood, the glass, and the plastic reject the magnet? Of course not. They just had different characteristics. They were just not the right match. No rejection at all. The magnet only needed to find the right match for it.
So when you find yourself in a situation that could be labeled rejection, think of it instead as just a situation that doesnt match you. Simply say to yourself, There is a better fit for me. Then go on, anticipating that you will find a situation that is a perfect match for you.
How to Handle Verbal Rejection
The situation is slightly different when you confront a verbal no, but its still your perception that labels the response a rejection. When someone says no, they are merely stating their preference. Their preference says nothing about you.
So when someone says no to you, remind yourself that they are merely expressing a preference. Sometimes it helps to say to yourself, This is not about me. These simple techniques are useful for shifting your feelings once they are triggered.
Eliminate Rejection by Releasing Limiting Beliefs
To truly eliminate rejection from your life, you need to eliminate whats really triggering your feelings: a belief that you are most likely not aware of. At some prior time in your life you encountered a situation that was painful, and you made a decision (created a belief) about what happened. Because the situation was painful, you unknowingly tucked it away in what is referred to as your subconscious. Now, when similar situations occur, those same painful feelings you felt during the original situation arise automatically. You seem to have no control over them.
Our perceptions and experiences are derived from our beliefs. Identify a situation that triggers your feelings of rejection. Call your feelings of rejection that feeling. Then ask yourself, What would I have to believe to experience that feeling? Continue asking and answering repeatedly What other belief might I hold to experience that feeling? until you reach an answer that feels like an aha. When you have a sudden realization it will probably have emotion associated with it youve reached the deep-seated, root cause belief that is generating your feelings of rejection. With this new awareness, you can now replace that limiting belief with an empowering one.
Freeing Yourself of Rejection Forever
Dont be surprised if you uncover a belief that you have about yourself. When we dont feel good about ourselves, we look to others to validate our worth. When we dont get it, we feel rejected. When we value ourselves, rejection isnt usually an issue.
If you encounter feelings of rejection, explore your beliefs and release those that are limiting you. Its the path for saying goodbye to those feelings forever.
Source - http://innerself.com/content/self-help/behavior-modification/attitudes/attitudes-general/6913-how-to-say-good-bye-to-rejection.html
Written by Bruce Doyle III, Ph.D. |
At some point in our lives we all come face to face with feelings of rejection. These feelings can be brought about by many situations. A lover, partner, spouse, or a close friend decides that they want out of the relationship; a parent declines an offer to visit for the holidays; the company you desperately want to work for turns down your application; your family doesnt like what you just spent hours cooking. Think of the last time you felt rejected. What were the circumstances?
Fears of Being Rejected
For most of us, the feelings related to being rejected are so severe that we will do most anything to avoid putting ourselves in a situation where they may be triggered. Selling products is a big trigger for a lot of people because they fear the feelings that would arise should someone say no to them. Sales trainers often condition new salespersons by having them assume they are going to hear no fifty times. The trainers create excitement about each no by telling salespeople it is getting them closer to the first yes. This may work on the surface, but the underlying fear is still there. But what if I hear no 100 times? someone might think.
Lets examine the circumstances related to feeling rejected. First, where do our feelings originate? What causes them? You guessed it: our feelings come from our own thoughts. That means that our feelings are self-determined and not caused by someone else. No one else can generate our thoughts. They are ours and, consequently, so are our feelings. The thoughts about being rejected come from our own perception of what happened. That means that the event the rejection doesnt exist. Its only our mental perception of the event that labels it rejection.
Reframing Rejection
Several years ago when I was doing career counseling, some of my clients would refer to the rejection letters they received in response to mailing their resume. As they described the circumstances in detail, I could see that they felt personally rejected. They were taking the rejection letter to heart. Their perception of having been rejected was having a very negative impact on their attitudenot a good situation for conducting a job search.
To help them shift their perspective so they could keep their energy positive, I created a simple exercise. See if it works for you.
Exercise: Changed Perception of Rejection
Imagine several small items on a tabletop. One is made of rubber, one of wood, one of glass, one of plastic, and one of iron. Now visualize a magnet about the same size as the other objects. Imagine moving the magnet to the rubber, then to the wood, and in turn to the glass and the plastic. What happened? Nothing. Now move the magnet to the iron. What happened? Smack! The magnet and iron stuck together. Why? Because their properties attract each other. They are a good match.
Did the rubber, the wood, the glass, and the plastic reject the magnet? Of course not. They just had different characteristics. They were just not the right match. No rejection at all. The magnet only needed to find the right match for it.
So when you find yourself in a situation that could be labeled rejection, think of it instead as just a situation that doesnt match you. Simply say to yourself, There is a better fit for me. Then go on, anticipating that you will find a situation that is a perfect match for you.
How to Handle Verbal Rejection
The situation is slightly different when you confront a verbal no, but its still your perception that labels the response a rejection. When someone says no, they are merely stating their preference. Their preference says nothing about you.
So when someone says no to you, remind yourself that they are merely expressing a preference. Sometimes it helps to say to yourself, This is not about me. These simple techniques are useful for shifting your feelings once they are triggered.
Eliminate Rejection by Releasing Limiting Beliefs
To truly eliminate rejection from your life, you need to eliminate whats really triggering your feelings: a belief that you are most likely not aware of. At some prior time in your life you encountered a situation that was painful, and you made a decision (created a belief) about what happened. Because the situation was painful, you unknowingly tucked it away in what is referred to as your subconscious. Now, when similar situations occur, those same painful feelings you felt during the original situation arise automatically. You seem to have no control over them.
Our perceptions and experiences are derived from our beliefs. Identify a situation that triggers your feelings of rejection. Call your feelings of rejection that feeling. Then ask yourself, What would I have to believe to experience that feeling? Continue asking and answering repeatedly What other belief might I hold to experience that feeling? until you reach an answer that feels like an aha. When you have a sudden realization it will probably have emotion associated with it youve reached the deep-seated, root cause belief that is generating your feelings of rejection. With this new awareness, you can now replace that limiting belief with an empowering one.
Freeing Yourself of Rejection Forever
Dont be surprised if you uncover a belief that you have about yourself. When we dont feel good about ourselves, we look to others to validate our worth. When we dont get it, we feel rejected. When we value ourselves, rejection isnt usually an issue.
If you encounter feelings of rejection, explore your beliefs and release those that are limiting you. Its the path for saying goodbye to those feelings forever.
Source - http://innerself.com/content/self-help/behavior-modification/attitudes/attitudes-general/6913-how-to-say-good-bye-to-rejection.html
It's a numbers game. Don't take rejection personally. They mail out the same rejection letter or e-mail to thousands of other candidates. It's a standard pre-written spiel.
Rejection is rejection. The definition isn't changed simply by sticking my head in the ground, or in my childhood. I understand that rejection is a reaction that others are more than free to make, and more power to them. It's just that rejection after rejection basically says that there is something wrong, or a healthier politically correct version of that word, with me. And yes, I have my issues and I will be rejected forever if I don't deal with them to be ok and egoistic in my sense of self.
Being rejected is being rejected. How I feel about that is certainly more painful because of my childhood. Acceptance by others is a huge key to being able to handle rejection though.
The problem I have with psychology is that it's walking this path of the self being ok with the self without realizing or dealing with the reality that people that are very codependent are essentially children that need to be nurtured in healthy ways.
The best example I can give is one of Anorexia. This woman in Canada started caring for them as a very loving mother would take care of a baby or an infant. The feeling of acceptance needed to be so overwhelming and consistant for quite a period of time. The success rate was very high. I would say that the neuro plasticity of the brain in some may only be able to be changed in this way.
The feelings of rejection for some need more than a change in prospective. Yes I think there are many who's problems of rejection maybe fixed through a different mind set but there are many in society that are really not helped by trying to get them to not feel a profound sense of loss because of the rejection they experienced as a child. It feels like the psychological community has taken a triage approach, except with the worst of us we don't die, infact it almost feels like we are blamed. The whole process of rejection again plays out but this time by the psychological community and society at large. I don't have the answer to not seeing rejection as just that. Yes it's not the rejection that I experienced many times before that situation. And yes I don't blame the person for all the rejections I experienced before, but my sadness at another failure to connect, especially on a personal level is severely painful. Awareness and acceptance of my pain hasn't made it feel any better.
"That means that the event the rejection doesnt exist. Its only our mental perception of the event that labels it rejection. "
Wonderful. What I've been told all my life. That it's all in my head, it's all in my imagination. I must be making it up.
So, this article is suggesting that when I was specifically told not to "interfere" with my mother's care, on any level, because of serious triangulation in my family dynamics, that this is not something personal? this is not rejection? when they tell me to shut up, they don't want my opinion, they don't want my observations -- this is not rejection?
You bet it is.
The fear of rejection is a huge issue in relationships. For some, the fear is so huge that it stops them from being in a relationship. For others, it plagues them throughout their relationships and causes much anxiety.
Rejection is a part of life, and learning to lovingly manage it is very important to our wellbeing.
To help you learn to move beyond the fear of rejection, I would like to help you see who a person is rejecting when they reject you. Are they rejecting your wounded self or your core Self?
Your wounded self is the self you created when you were growing up to protect yourself from pain. This is the ego - the part of us filled with fear and false beliefs, and many ways of trying to get love and avoid pain. This is the part of us that gives ourselves up, or gets angry, blaming, or critical, or turns to various addictions, or is resistant, or is numbed out or withdrawn.
The wounded self in all of us is not lovable. No one falls in love with our wounded self. No one even really likes our wounded self.
Your core Self is who you really are - who GOD created rather than who YOU created. This is your true Self, your essence. This is the part of all of us that is inherently lovable and loving. This is who someone falls in love with.
When you have been rejected, which part of you is being rejected?
If you have been your wounded self a lot in a relationship - people-pleasing by giving yourself up, getting angry, judgmental and blaming, withdrawing, turning to various addictions, and/or being highly resistant, then it is very likely that you are being rejected for your wounded self. You are not being rejected for who you really are, but for choosing to be controlling rather than loving. We all need to accept that if we choose to be our wounded self most of the time in a relationship, there is a good possibility that we will be rejected.
However, if you have been your core Self for much of the relationship, then it is very important to not take rejection personally, as it is not about you at all - it is about the other person's fear of intimacy.
In most relationships, two people get together at their common level of woundedness - i.e., they are equally in their wounded self, equally self-abandoning. If, at some point in the relationship, you open to learning and healing, and learn to take responsibility for yourself and be more in your core Self, your partner might be threatened by this. It is very important that if your partner rejects you for your growth, you not take this personally. This is not about anything being wrong with you - it is about your partner not wanting to learn and grow.
On the other hand, if your partner is the one learning and growing, and you choose not to learn and grow, and your partner leaves the relationship, it is not because there is anything inherently wrong with you. There is never anything wrong with the core Self. But if you choose to stay stuck in your wounded self and your partner leaves, it is because he or she is rejecting your wounded self, not your core Self, and your wounded self is NOT who you really are.
Next time you are rejected, look inside and see who is being rejected - your wounded self or your core Self? If someone reject you for your wounded self, then take it as an opportunity to learn and heal. If someone rejects you for your core Self, then good riddance! This person would never have supported you in being all that you are.
This Core Self seems like an ideal that is promoted in a way to get us to believe that our true states are healthy. I just don't believe that. Human beings really have no default program that I've ever seen. The biggest lie, imo, is that philosophy, psychology, sociology, whatever, tries to tell us who we are.
I really don't think we will ever consciously know who we are or who "god intended us to be". That last statement in my mind is assuming we know what god is and what humanity is exactly. I think that is just the arogance of a belief system and the god they subscribe to, and a propoganda statement intended for those who struggle.
Human's in my mind are pretty much wholly a result of their nature and nurture. How a person is accepted or rejected by the people that are a part of there environment doesn't tell us much else than the person just doesn't fit in. It is not a situation that should be use by those that are trying to promote philosophies that desire to create believers imo. The reality is that I live with disabilities that isolate me and doesn't mean anything more than other people don't want to be involved in a relationship with me.
I am just really really tired of trying to be a "better" person. I don't have any will anymore to do much of anything. I feel like Isolating completely because there's no answer. I feel rejected on every level of my being by society and people other than in superfical communications. Yes I know I have issues. I don't know what to do about them anymore. I struggle so much to stay anywhere even close to managing my own life. Right now I feel like God, if there is one, has rejected me. I had a very difficult childhood and have spent 39 years pretty much alone. I have lost all hope at trying to connect with anyone on a deeper intimate level. I am so upset and can't find the will to do anymore recovery crap. If people can't accept me and think that I am lovable and worth loving, I don't want to be around people anymore.
I loved someone completely. Their wounded self and there core self. Being a part of someone elses life and sharing life, the ups and the downs, and giving them space and time to work out there own stuff. I'm saying it badly but I fall in love with the pace of a person rather than solely there core self. Maybe the two are not so different though.
I don't know if this has been entirely on topic but wanted to reply.