Hi Possum
well...your comment;" I dread talking to him and feel anxious around him and don't feel safe" certainly says a lot about how you are feeling. And words do hurt even though we need only be responsible for our own feelings. I went through the exact same thing with my ex. exactly! I tried to tell her it wasn't all one sided, we each had a part in the problems. I agree people need to feel free to say how they feel in a relationship. I don't agree with badmouthing someone. I wasn't able to 'not take it to heart'. Is he open to counselling around communication? Might help. Best of luck to you.
rick

I can see this from both sides. I said things to my ex that I regret and he said hurtful things to me too. The more and more hurtful things that are said, the more each side tends to shut down and feel less comfortable about expressing oneself. Also, sometimes things are said in anger, in the heat of the moment which reflect more about how the other person feels than what they really think about you.

I've called my ex selfish, a loser, I've said that I don't respect him... he's called me messed up, delusional, told me that I haven't had a right to feel certain ways, that I make it up when I'm unwell... all sorts. It's not one-sided at all. I agree with arbe that the problem is that you don't really feel that you can communicate with each other and that perhaps counselling might help.

Some things which might help also are too simultaneously probe into why he feels a certain way and say how it makes you feel. For example, he calls you selfish... why does he say that? Is there a kernel of truth to it or is it projection? What are his feelings? Your feelings are that you feel unsafe to communicate fully because of how he speaks to you. There isn't much love in the words.

There isn't much love in his words I hasten to add, as I realise my last comment may have seemed ambiguous. I hope that you can sort things out with your husband.

what does he need to do come right out and tell you that you repulse him to his very core but you are a con vinance. and he doesn't want to spilt money/property w you. he would rather keep what he owns in marital property than to lose 1/2 n/r half to start over.

There how many people in world and he is what 1 person in billions of people. trade up.

People treat us the way we show them n teach them to do.
People are user stop abusing yourself.

Set yourself free. and join the living.
Once upon a time for a moment, when I was young n dumb, I through I knew everything, LOL Listen to elders

a marriage counselor can help the two of you learn how to communicate .please check into it.if he doesnt go..., you can go for yourself.It doesnt mean its hopeless either if he doesnt. you will gain some things that can be helpful to yourself and possibly to the relationship...
Good luck!
Ross

It seems like he communicates to you, but you don't reply to communicate back to him.

Maybe your new boundaries should be to reply that his words have the appearance of mean words.

I think part of your boundary at home should be that when he speaks like that, you may want to reply that for him to say you are selfish comes across as mean and is useless to act upon. The discussion would be more productive for both of you if he would maintain civility and give examples and both of you come up with suggestions for change--that is the real discussion that should have taken place at the beginning. Many hugs.

Perhaps for the first time ever (or ever recently) then I agree with ATGB just above, in that you might try responding to his words simply be expressing your hurt feelings to him.

He calls you "selfish" then simply reply = "That hurts my feelings as I try so hard to be kind to you."

He does not like your sister then reply = "My sister is very important to me, and I just wish that you were more understanding of that."

The words needs to be short and simple, so the feelings are told without drama.

And I realize that him being cold and cruel is hurtful to you, but for me when I fix it into my mind that the other person is damaged their self, then I can see that they are the one with the dysfunction, and that way their words do not hurt so much.

Your Hubby has his own problems inside of himself, and those are not your problems, as he is hurting him self more than any harm done to you.

God tells us to love thy enemies, well when any person talks mean or cruel then they are being your enemy, even if it is just a temporary enemy or a part time enemy.

Matthew 5:33-48 "resist not evil"
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%205&version=KJV

And I would even tell your Hubby that too, when he speaks unloving then tell him that both you and God are trying to forgive him for that.

Oh BULL, "just 'how he feels'" is the most lame excuse in the book for being rude, ignorant and unkind. That is like letting a 2 year old get away with temper tantrums because they are in "the stage" of throwing tantrums. Ever seen a child who was not discipline for behaving badly? They are spoilt rotten nasty children that no one wants to have around. They make NO friends because they never learned how to treat others nicely. And they expect to always get their way all the time. They end up the saddest beings in this world. And in truth they are not really loved.
Bad behavior is never excusable.
Nothing excuses saying things that he would not want someone to say to him.

These comments are meant to crush you! They are thoughtless, uncaring attacks being written off as feelings. If he cared about you, he would consider the effect before opening his mouth.

Humans are not allowed to just go spouting out their feelings anywhere and anytime they want!
Try saying your are:
>> angry enough to plant a bomb on a plane in the airport....you will be arrested and removed and not travel that day
>>try telling a judge that you hate her guts and wish she were dead. You will be sent out of the courtroom and possibly held in contempt.

We know what will hurt our spouses. Those who care don't just speak whatever pops in their heads and then tell their spouse it is their fault for being hurt.

I would think carefully about a way to demonstrate to him how this makes you feel. Don't be spiteful! Just come up with a couple things that make him feel the way you feel.
Then I would think of things to counter with when he says such things.

he says you are "the most selfish person he knows"
The next time he says something with the excuse "it's just how I feel" tell him, "well, I feel like kicking you in the soft place between the legs. Would you like it if I just acted on my feelings without thinking about how you would feel?"

You should be hurt by his words. They are designed to hurt you. He is trying to control you with this lame nasty behavior.

God never wanted us to live in constant nastiness. He planned marriage to help build each other up NOT DOWN! Marriage is supposed to be a way to demonstrate to the world how God's love for us really looks in a small way. God does not hold an accounting of every minor thing we do. Neither should your spouse be saying rude ignorant things about you.

Of course you don't feel safe. He has demonstrated that he is not a safe person.

The best thing is to figure out how to say things or do things so he gets how you feel. Try getting the book "The language of love". It talks aobut ways to communicate so the listener understands.

Good luck
Sunny

agree with sunny. its not right to be attacked verbally and what do you mean that you don't feel safe? physical or mentally or both. how he feels does not mean that he has the right to be abusive. we all are responsible for how we feel and need not cut others down.

its difficult to be around someone that does not really like you. I know this feeling and detachment is the way to go if you choose to stay.

I agree these words are meant to hurt you. Just like my STBX told my kids in front of me that they ruined me, that I used to be hot, but then I had kids and now I'm ruined. I have never felt lower then at that point. But I wasn't supposed to take it personally. He didn't mean it that way. WTF? How else could it have been meant? Words hurt, no matter how or why they are said. I agree marriage counseling should be a must in order to get back on track. His communication skills are sorely lacking, and you are withdrawing in response. This will not end well. I speak from experience. Every mean word just closes the door that much more to intimacy, until you are at the point where you wonder why you even stay in such a miserable marriage. I left.

This is not a time to people please hubby. He is, at least, a big part of the reason for the lack of intimacy in your marraige. Saying the things like those you claim he says and telling you how not to feel for his own personal reason makes him a controller. Taking no responsibility for his comments which cause a lack of intimacy is domineering when he comes back later and says he is not getting enough intimacy. DUHHHH! He doesn't deserve it. You don't feel safe because of his comments that he insists on making. That will surely cut the intimacy that he gets because being safe is important to many women. You do NOT need to pray to your HP to find a way to not be botherred by his statements. You have a right to be botherred by them. Sounds like it is ultimatum time. He treats you more respectfully and curbs his liberty on his comments or it is much less intimacy for the dear boy. He gets to make the choice. And YOU are to be botherred by the statements. No praying to HP over his comments.

And lets not confuse intimacy with sex. The two are not the same. You can't be intimate (in a non-sexual way) with someone who verbally abuses you. Just can't do it. You'd be a puddle on the floor. As for sex, how can you get in the mood to have sex with someone who has already told you they don't like you? Not an aphrodysiac!