Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I have been listening in on phone meetings, trying to figure out how to "Live in the Solution" (rather than "living in the Problem") ....
It is depressing to hear how many people have been in program and continue to have the same struggles again & again. When I quit smoking, I use program to reaffirm my commitment, but it's not like I'm on guard every minute or having to watch my "p's and q's" or maintain boundaries every single second.
With codependency, the way I perceive & cope are completely hard-wired into my being. Sure, I can practice taking a huge step away & try to redirect my thoughts, or take space so I'm not reacting on the fly. But it's so multi-layered, from being triggered by authority figures, to being consumed by my perfectionistic tendencies, to being emotionally triggered when least expected, to agonizing over decisions, and avoiding any intimate relationships. It's not like I'm walking around like a loose cannon or anything, but I'd hardly call my life "functional."
So what the heck is "Living in the Solution?" Because this bull about taking care of myself is too generic. (Because taking a hot bath and going for a long walk and running a vacuum all fits into that category -- but it's not helping me to have healthy relationships in work, home, etc)
I am not big on 12-stepping because I don't believe in a higher power (except for fellowship being my HP). And if that's what it takes for me to "Live in the Solution," then I am so totally screwed...
Sigh.
It is depressing to hear how many people have been in program and continue to have the same struggles again & again. When I quit smoking, I use program to reaffirm my commitment, but it's not like I'm on guard every minute or having to watch my "p's and q's" or maintain boundaries every single second.
With codependency, the way I perceive & cope are completely hard-wired into my being. Sure, I can practice taking a huge step away & try to redirect my thoughts, or take space so I'm not reacting on the fly. But it's so multi-layered, from being triggered by authority figures, to being consumed by my perfectionistic tendencies, to being emotionally triggered when least expected, to agonizing over decisions, and avoiding any intimate relationships. It's not like I'm walking around like a loose cannon or anything, but I'd hardly call my life "functional."
So what the heck is "Living in the Solution?" Because this bull about taking care of myself is too generic. (Because taking a hot bath and going for a long walk and running a vacuum all fits into that category -- but it's not helping me to have healthy relationships in work, home, etc)
I am not big on 12-stepping because I don't believe in a higher power (except for fellowship being my HP). And if that's what it takes for me to "Live in the Solution," then I am so totally screwed...
Sigh.
I think most 12-steps suggest that you give it a try for a certain number of times, like 6 or 7 meetings at least. It gives you a chance to experience more than just a couple of times.
However, when something is not working for me in recovery, I move on to something else. There is a lot of recovery in the 12-step programs, but it may not be the right method for every single person (and I am one of them).
I struggled for years and years without what I saw as a significant change to my codependent and other behaviors. Some reading, some discussion and some help of friends here on DS made something click in my brain (finally). I finally got it that I had been lying to myself for years about things. I had several irrational beliefs that I was operating from, and they kept me stuck and frustrated.
I had to face that I was feeding myself quite a bunch of crap - quite a blow to the ego, lol. But when I did that, I started acting differently. Not perfectly, and not easily, but I was/am acting and behaving differently, in such a healthier way. You can, too. (It does not matter how we have been hard-wired, IMHO, we can rewire, lol)
What is funny (interesting) is that this past Easter, there was a codependent thing going on, and normally I just sit there and listen to the ranting and take the verbal insults being hurled. This time, although I felt upset inside, I had the wherewithal to notice, "Shar, your stomach is in a knot, you do not have to sit here and listen to this crap." And I got up and left the room. Wow, took care of myself. First time I ever did that, too.
If something is not working for you, you do not have to "force" it and be miserable putting yourself through it. The point of recovery groups is hope, support, etc. It will not be all roses all the time, but overall, there should be some sense of recovery. Trust your own internal instincts and be guided by them, rather than the "shoulds".
Hugs,
Shar