Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I have been dating this man for 2.5 years. He is addicted to crack cocaine, he is not a daily user but a binger. He can stay clean for months and then just hits a depression and disappears. My fear is when he is hear and I am standing by his side i feel trapped and when he is gone I feel scared to death for him. Worried al the time it consumes my mind and I can't accomplish anything. I sitand wait for him to call and wait and wait, eventually he does call but htis time I fear he won't as he ripped me off for the first time, he has never stolen from me and has always taken his own money to blow. I fear for his safety and that he is going to end up dead. It seems i wait for the call just to know he is ok and when he calls I feel so muchbetter but it is only temporary and then Im scared and consumed by it again. He is suicidal when he gets way down and that scares me too. His family is no loner comunicating with him as theyhave all had to let him go which really bothers him and sends him into a depression. I fear that if he feels he has now lost me too that he may follow through with his thoughts. I guess in the end I have spent all this time trying to help him and in the end there is noone ther to help me and ease my mind of this madness. Its so easy fro him to just walk away while i sit here and worry I love him and want to help him. ???
As I read your posting, I heard myself speaking and making excuses or whatever you want to call it, to justify my need to be with a this one particular guy. His behavior and actions don't serve my best interest but clearly they serve some need for I stay. I have lost a lot year trying to help that man. That not really true or more honestly stated I have lost too many years trying to relieve my past pain by performing a dysfunctional dance with the man I wanted to "protect/save/help". People do things for a reason. What do you get from the relationship? Does it resemble some event or person from the past?
I believe understanding yourself is the key to healing and leaning to accept your strengths and weakness. I am not healed but I am getting better. I am still healing from the past, increased self-awareness, learning to listen to my feeling, not judging or blaming my feelings, just accepting my feelings, and letting thoughts past without assigning meaning to them has made them less scary and powerful. In short, you cannot help anyone until you help yourself.
As far as getting support, find a place that fits you. What works for one does not always work for another? In fact, I go to CODA group, parts of the program have strengths, and of course there are weaknesses. In fact, I had to bit my tongue for I disagree with some of the practices. Ironically, those events helped me deal with my discomforting feeling and learn to set health boundaries.
The major differences between CoDA or AlAon programs are facilitated by peers and not mental health professionals. Other groups are facilitated by mental health professional, such as Kaiser Co-dependent group (non-member can go), etc.. For me, I went to Kaiser first and I am glad since I feel I would have got caught up in the others co-dependents stories or their spinning in the non-professional group. Despite time limits placed on speaking, some members will attempt to hijack the group and being a Co-dependent I get caught in the game.
Listen to your gut, you will find the right places to heal. Healing is journey about you and not this guy or anybody else. You have more power than you know, and you are worth fighting for. In addition, try different things or groups, at worst you will help you learn what doesnt work for you and that can be powerful. Take good care.
That was 6 years ago and my path lead me to a log of online support groups, regaining a spiritual life for myself so I was no longer making "him" my higher power, getting clean and sober myself off pot and alcohol (we shared these addictions) using 12 step programs including Al Anon, counseling for domestic violence / abuse - these relationships can be exceptionally hard to leave - and coming here and continuing to work my own program instead of get caught up in trying to fix or enable someone else, which I still struggle with.
You are on the right path. Al Anon is not supposed to give advice - you may enjoy reading the Al Anon approved literature available as it is a great part of recovery