Well, there is good news. There are people to help you. It's called ALA-NON. Narc-Anon, is also an option. It would be a group, that would be supportive of your situation. You need to realize the situation you're in may not get better. In fact it seems to be getting worst. Tuesday will be the 14 TH Anniversary of my Husbands death. He did the same things your boyfriend is doing and worst. I won't even get into the "War Stories."

I'm not concerned here about your boyfriends addiction. I'm concerned, that you need support. This is not going well, and the disappearing, stealing, the depression, and your desperation will only get more progressive. The depression is a "Catch 22." It's caused from the drugs. Again, you need to get yourself a counselor, or get to some meetings. It was the only support and help I had. It helped me, to realize I had no control over what my husband did. I had to control myself. I had to learn to detach with love. While I still loved my husband, I couldn't allow his addiction to ruin my life.

This man is hurting you. He lies, he steals, he probably does other things you're not even aware of. Like I said my concern is not for him, but for you. You need to protect yourself and learn to deal with your life. You can not fix this man. As it seems he's not willing to fix himself. Even after he returns from his drug binges, he will feel guilty, that's a characteristic of addicts. It's part of the game. You say his family has set up boundaries, you need to also. Not to control his addiction. You need to set up boundaries as to how you will act, when he slips. I'm sorry to say this, but this situation probably won't get better. It probably can't be fixed by you, no matter how hard you try. If you make him happy, and walk on eggshells, and do everything right. This is a human compulsion, which he is not able to control, as much as a part of him truly wants to. The key here is to Help Yourself. Get some counseling, get to a meeting ASAP. There will be plenty of people there who either are in, or have been in your situation.
Take that energy, you are staying up all night worrying about him, Take that energy, you put into trying to make him happy daily, take the energy you felt, when he stole from you. and use that energy to help yourself. Obviously this way isn't making your life happy.

Begin a search for your happiness.
God Bless You My Dear.

Hi Sandy,

it sounds to me like you are doing a great job and you just need a boost of faith.

The fact that he keeps his addiction within his own business and his own money and such, then that says a lot about his true colors and he is not all that terrible.

Al-Anon might be okay for you but many at those meetings might advice you to separate from such a Man and I do not believe you need to do that.

The drugs (particularly like crack) give the user a spiritual feeling and that is the true addiction in that the user is seeking the feeling of getting closer to the thing - the thing we call God.

He really just needs some direction or guidance and the only true motivation for any long lasting and healthy recovery is to get the addict to seek after the truth and thus seek after God, so if you get the chance then put some religious materials around that he can stumble into - that is my opinion and my own advice.

I say from the given info that he is rather blessed to have you in his life and there is a higher power called God that watches over us all.

Sandyra,Hamesteron said all i would have said,plus a red flag for me would be his family have nothing to do with him. What does that tell you? Please think carefully about what is the best for you not him.

Been there, as far as you know he has not stolen from you, addicts are very smart on how to scam even the ones they love the most. Crack is a drug that will tear a person and their family apart. The best advise for you is to join AL-NON it wonderful. It has helped me, I am no longer with my recovering crack addicted not because of AL-non it might have saved us I just joined a little to late. Also you might want to read posts on family and friends of addicts there is alot of advise there as well. Best of luck!

The title of your Post was
"How can I let go of my Crack Addicted Boyfriend."
It wasn't how do I enable his behavior more!

I don't agree with this statement at all. I find the writer to quite wrong. CRACK isn't a SPIRITUAL. You know I've ignored this poster's advice. I find him to be quite bizarre. What kind of person sees someone in CRISIS, and encourages them to continue the same enabling behavior that has put the VICTIM on here, asking for advice. This poster should admonish himself!


Whether you stay or go, it doesn't matter to me. Your boyfriend is a TIME BOMB. ENABLING his drug use is what you've been doing. HAS IT WORKED? Believe me, he doesn't go out, and light candles and say NOVENA's when he's with his buddies. There is nothing spiritual about this. It's a compulsion and addiction

Hi Sandy, I agree completely with the statements above, except for Booky's. I encourage you to listen (since you asked for advice)to those of us who have found relief through Al-anon from the devastation that occurs in relationship to a practicing addict or alcoholic. The process of recovery is the same for the person deeply affected by another person's using or drinking.

There is nothing honorable about chemical addiction. It is cunning, baffling and powerful. As someone else said, it's a progressive disease, and the primary symptoms are compulsion, denial and a lack of integrity.

I disagree that your boyfriend is lucky to have you in his life, that the fact he uses his own money for cocaine is noble or reflects his "true colors". He is an addict, and if he doesn't get into recovery and get clean, he will destroy himself and you, if you stay close by, whether or not you stay in the relationship with him.

Al-Anon will help you see how staying by his side however you define it, is an act of enabling him that hurts you more than it will hurt him. Until he chooses recovery, he will use you, exploit you, betray the relationship and himself, and you will become more codependent and sick. In loving him, you put boundaries in place, not to control his using because you are powerless over that, but to keep you from being harmed further. It is a side-effect, that you also keep him from hitting his bottom, the only way he has even a chance to recover.

It is not an issue, whether you stay or leave the relationship. Recovery for you (and for any of us who have loved an addict) is about taking care of yourself. Because addicts lie, whatever he says to you, has to be presumed to be untruthful. Anything other than complete abstinence with a transformation of the spirit, will not be sufficient to protect you from the damage he as an addict will inflict on himself and on you.

I encourage you to get to a meeting, get a sponsor, work the steps and find your own truth about how much you love yourself. Living with an addict, whom you KNOW to be using, whether its continuous or binging, is all about how much you value yourself and the quality of your life. You cannot save him, but you can save yourself. Spiriitual guidance from those of us who have been in your shoes, is available for the asking.

Tell me, Booky?...
Why are you prejudice against Ala-Non?
Why would you make statements like

"Al-Anon might be okay for you but many at those meetings might advice you to separate from such a Man and I do not believe you need to do that."

That is not the Ala-Non principles at all!
We encourage we don't tell people what to do with their lives. Obviously if you've been around these programs, you would know.

How dare you debase Ala-Non. How dare you debase thousands of people we have helped. You discust me with your judgement that isn't even VALID!

"He really just needs some direction or guidance and the only true motivation for any long lasting and healthy recovery is to get the addict to seek after the truth and thus seek after God, so if you get the chance then put some religious materials around that he can stumble into - that is my opinion and my own advice."

"The fact that he keeps his addiction within his own business and his own money and such, then that says a lot about his true colors and he is not all that terrible."

Is this like being a little bit PREGNANT?
Oh, why don't you just tell this person, to go out and buy him his next CRACK PIPE? Or, why not get a little habit of her own so she can experience what he's going through.

Neither of these are acceptable. Neither will make your life better. The best thing for you is to get to a meeting for yourself. Your boyfriend will have to make the choice to get better for himself, that's not up to you.

14 years ago today my husband was found in a vacant building with a needle stuck in his arm and foam coming out of his mouth. I wouldn't consider this a dignified way to die myself. He was to be confirmed in the Episcopal Church, the day following his funeral. Don't you think, I tried the SPIRITUAL THING" too. Two trips to REHAB, Churches, Prayer and I was left almost Bankrupt.

"When it's not God's Will, it's just not God's Will."

As I've said, I'm not concerned with your Boyfriend. He's going to do what he does. I'm concerned that you get help for yourself.

In my opinion, Booky is here for us to learn how to avoid engaging with an alcoholic or an addict. He sounds reasonably intelligent, sometimes he makes sense, but most of the time, he provokes, invites drama, makes outrageous statements and loves to watch everyone get excited. This for me, is exactly what as codependents, we thrive on.

I handle Booky like I do an annoying co-worker over whom I have no control. Ignore the rediculous statements, assert myself when I think it will be useful or appropriate, and sooner or later, everyone with any degree of recovery learns not to bite when he dangles the bait.

Much like the addict. I learned that most of what the addict does is to get attention and to divert the focus from his/her own addiction (to drama, drugs, unhealthy attitudes, etc.) by doing something stupid, watching the fireworks that inevitably occur by reasonable people who are outraged, and then sit back and smugly comment on the "outrageous" behavior of those who reacted.

Its not worth the energy to run through Booky's drill every time. I recommend a dignified "ignoring" of his antics on this Board.

The newcomers will figure it out in time. Think of all the AA members who denigrated, pooh-pooh'd and ignored the advice of friends and family members to join the program. They joined when they were ready. So too, with Al-Anon. People go there when they are ready and need it, and if they hear insane things about Al-Anon on this Board from Booky, they will figure out in time, he is blowing smoke again, and from a place of no experience with spiritual 12-step recovery. No worries.

Addiction is a progressive disease of the brain,which has some genetic components. It slowly erodes the nucelus accumbens, and, in the case of crack, the dopaminergic projections through out the brain. These regions of the brain are all associated with feeling good, feeling reward, feeling like things are worth it. Habitual usage inspires a downward spiral of high-low-depression-usage to feel better/normal-high-lower low-worse depression and so forth. His withdrawal symptoms (low lows) indicate that he is unfortunately quite caught up in this cycle. Addicts have one true relationship - it is between them and their drug of choice.

This processes has nothing to do with you. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. You cannot help him. All the love you have in the world can't help him. He can only help himself. And he will only help himself when he is ready to.

Now is the time for you to consider your own recovery from the madness. It begins by slowly shifting your focus; learning to know that when the wheels of anxiety start churning, you see this as a big flag - it's time to do something for you. Now is the time to work on self discovery and to learn what makes you happy. Codependent No More helped me and many others with this process. It takes a LOT of time and patience; but you can do it! You can get your life back. You sound like a caring, loving person and it's time to get love and caring back into your life - you learn to give it to yourself! It is possible. And it is awesome!

You can begin your recovery without leaving him. In the process of learning to heal yourself, you may find that you can maintain this relationship, or not - the truth may be that he cannot be a boyfriend to you until he heals. And he may not heal. That is the unfortunate reality of addiction. I lived with one (my father) who never recovered. I wish you well. I hope you seek out support (books, support groups, this message board!) when you need it, and be true to yourself. Now is the time to do something for yourself! Best wishes in YOUR recovery.

I've never heard anyone at any Ala-Non meeting ever encourage someone to leave or stay with someone, with an addiction. It's our principle not to intercede on anyones journey to their happiness.
Grace, Thank You for reminding me. Sorry, I slipped. Booky, Thank You for making me feel alive today.....

.......now where did I leave my happiness!
LMAO!

Thank you all that responded, I am so surprprised at the actual help and advice that is available. As the days go by it does get easier, especially when I know he is safe. I heard from him yesterday and he is in the hospital detoxing, he has been down this road before... When I know he is ok its like a big relief and I am not so consumed in thoughts about him us our relationship and what the heck is going on? I know he can't come home this time a I said he stole from me for the first time in 2.5 years and it wasn't even mine that he took it was my daughters. We got it back with the help of the police and him. I never thught he would steal he said it was cause he was mad that I took his money away, once again I was trying to save him. He says I should never take his money away and that if he wants to blow his life savings I have to just let him. Matbe I should? Im moving with my daughter and he can't come his only choice is recovery or the streets as noone will let him stay anymore, not becausse he ripped them off but because his addiction is so consuming and they have famlies to take care of. I understand I have to take care of me and I can't be his babysitter, i never wanted responsibility of his finances, I wanted a man who could take care of his own money and take me out and spoil me :) All I ever did was hold his money and spend it with him on the appropriate things in life. He says he stole from me because he trusted me and I took what wasn't mine, which was his money. I never took it from him, i just took care of it and always gave to him for the purpose of taking care of himself . I never spent his money on myself never. It has been a long draining and sad journey with him these last 2 yrs, many happy time as well but the bad always out ways the good. I love him with all my heart but my codependency on him has caused me to loose weight and age in the face as if I too were on drugs, I have pushed away my family as they never really new what was going on and I hid it from them. The friends that do know have distenced their selves from me as they are tired of hearing me and the emotional states I keep getting mysself into. Very few have stood by me throughout this and I don't blame them as Im sure sometimes I must sound like a broken record. I hope thatnow that I know he is safe I can move forward in taking care of me and let go of the consuming thoughts. I have attended AA with him many times and just recently realized that AA was good for him and me there by his side, but what about me. I recently have attended two alanon meetings and am hoping in time this will help. Once again thanks so much for the advice and support for days I felt so alone and scared. With the help of reading on this site, alanon and I have read codependent no more and now am on the book called the language of letting go. I want too be happy and learn to take care of me and when I am cnsumed by the fears of him I can't even get in the shower or eat or anything to do with taking care of me. It is true that the addiction of a loved one is very addicting and hard on those trying to help. We have talked about this before in AA, he would stand up and say he was an addict and I would stand up and say I am an addict too, my addiction is to my addicted boyfriend. He truly does feel like an addiction at times when I am consumed by him. Just when I begin to feel better and feel maybe I can move forward he comes back. I want to stop this mad cycle were both on but I guess it can't be about us so I have to cahnge the mad cycle I myself am on. Hopefully I will. Once again thank you soo much, seems like alot of nice people out there and many who are or have gone through what I myself am going through.

It sounds like you have hit your bottom and are on your way up. Good for you. Hang in there with people who have been there before themselves, and will understand your pain and still encourage you to take care of yourself. I heard you say you it was getting easier because you knew he was safe. Maybe this time when others are helping him, you can find the help you need, so that if he doesn't find his way to recovery, you will have enough of your own to make good and wise decisions for yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Sandy, kudos to you. I hope that the last long post you just wrote is the last time you spend that much time thinking about him. Your life is the greatest gift you have on this earth. It is so precious! Seize it now and run from anyone who would could intentionally or not hurt you. I know it is not easy to extricate yourself psychicly and physically from such a relationship. Patience time and distance and 12 step fellowships are wonderful healers. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

well I have been attending alanon meetings last couple weeks and I guess it is helping a little, listening to stories and sharing some of my own. I am going to attempt a codon meeting tomorrow night cause after all the reading I have been doing lately and looking back on my oast relationships I do believe I am codependent. I don't know if the alanon has been helping or if it has just been the time going bye, as every one says it just takes time. either way I am feeling better each day, still having motivation issues withregards to unpacking and settling in to my new suite. After running away from theapartment I shared with my addict boyfriend. ven after running from there I still brought him here from the hospital and after 3 days told him I could not do it. I was scared and worried that I would wake up and he would be gone on a binge somewhere and sincce he has lost his vehichle i had fear he would take mine in the middle of the night. I was scared to leave him alone in my home and then I was scared to sleep at night. anyway after days I told him he needed to go and that we both needed to fix our selves apart and then maybe who knows something will bring us togther again in time. It was the hardest thing I had to do cause I so want him hear.. We both fear being alone. But i have started to see a wee bit of improvement in myself which i was hoping for as some felt i should go back on antidepressents, I have been on and off those for years and just want to try and pull myself out of this without the aid of a pill???

You need to Worry about you. Pray for him! Worrying wont save him it only stresses you! He's chosing his lifestyle so why should you pay for his choices? Maybe not having anyone in his life will push him to get clean and some mental health help. Take care of yourself and put him in Gods hands. He will take good care of him!