Hmm, tough one. As codependents, we tend to allow criticism to play too large a role in our self worth.

I know that when it comes to situations between me and my stbx, I often will ask myself.. "What was the part that I played in this?" Then I will try objectively take responsibility for the parts that I played and purposely reject the parts that I feel I don't have to be responsible for.

I think one of they keys is to not fall into reactive thinking. Codependents tend to react to things very quickly without taking the time to process them. Often this is a survival skill that served us well in the past but doesn't help today.

Slowing down, processing, reflecting on our part in this, holding off on responding can help.

I hope this helps.

Thanks ptownjohn. "What was the part that I played in this?" is a great question to ask myself -- to start taking responsibility & seeing my piece of it. The trick, like you said, is to purposely reject the parts that I'm not responsible for.

I was so depressed today -- feeling like my whole life has been this worthless batch of coping mechanisms to survive. Only serving to tie me in knots, in my personal & professional life.

I agree that "slowing down, processing, reflecting on our part, holding off on responding" can help. I think it's the part about "letting go" that I have the most difficulty with.

If I can directly communicate with the person, often the issue will diffuse if we can work it out, or agree to disagree.

But in today's case: Someone attacked me by cross-talking during a 12-step phone meeting (they were holding onto a grudge & were waiting for an opportunity to attack a month later... and succeeded). I didn't rise to the bait, but it still hit it's mark. I felt guilty for my part, although I still stand by what happened a month ago (That person attacked me on the internet -- I defended myself -- then they targeted me repeatedly--calling me obscene names-- until they got banned from the website).

So so tired of this crap. I figure: Fine. Let them have the last word. But all it did was make me feel unsafe to share in further meetings, never knowing who else wants to cross-talk me (as there's a bit of that floating jetsam going about) or if this person may lurk & wait (as they did with this particular meeting, insisting they wanted to be the last person to share .... wow, just typing all this out shows me how sick that person is ...).

Yeah, what you said helped. And I think I just "processed and let go."

Whew! Thanks.

I started researching ways to handle criticism and found a great article. So I decided to post it here. But your advice really did help me. I was just digging around for something to "Bookmark" for future reference ... seems I hit the jackpot. And sure enough, ptownjohn, your advice is right in there ;) Thanks!

Amelah -. Regards to reply 2 when people react its because of THEIR hot buttons, its nothing related to you... isnt it so weird that 9 people didnt do a cross talk and one did and that one has been so painful. Why? Can we not think that other 9 have been fine with me? I think in someways people pleasing takes over us ....its important to let go and be you.

These words frm my therapist have helped me
when somebody throws salt at ur wounds....its painful..
what would you look at person throwing salt at u or ur own inner wounds?

If someone is bluntly critical with me, and doesn't acknowledge anything about me as POSITIVE, I don't take it well. I get angry, even if I recognize that they are right. It's not the criticism; it's THE WAY they dealt it.

There IS such a thing as tact when doling out criticism. But one has to consider the other person's state of mind; I probably just caught them in a bad mood, or maybe they're always in a bad mood. I usually just stop communicating with said person, because we're both hitting our heads against a brick wall of anger, and I don't want to continue to feed the anger, in them or in me; anger is a waste of energy.

If someone insults you, look for someone else you can share with who won't insult you.

When someone takes a "pot shot" at me, I used to ruminate over it for days. Now, I may say something like, "I will think about what you said and see if it is helpful to my situation."

Annoyingly my very first reaction is to get upset and cry - which is infuriating!

That lasts a while then I get angry that they've upset me - how dare they!

Neither of which deals with the original criticism at the time it's dealt out which is what I'm still trying to learn to stay calm and do

I try to think before I react...TRY being the key word. In most cases - once you retrain how to read and take criticism, you can do this very quickly and determine with their statement if it's a personal attack or really criticism. Personally, if it's something from a co-worker, this is easy...if I feel it's not work related in any way - I reply with 'Wow, that wasn't very nice to say' and turn around and walk away. If it is an encounter with a 'friend' I will sometimes say the same thing if their friendship is important and valued to me, but if I feel they are a mere acquaintance, I will often ask what they meant by saying that and what their suggestions are to change it. Most of the time, I only share my real thoughts and/or feelings with very few people in my life, and I care about their opinions of me (good, hurtful, or mean) because I know (or have decided in my head) that they love me, care for me, etc. Everyone else who criticizes me, either can screw off, needs to look at themselves in the mirror, or I just disregard their unwanted input. Some people, just don't know how to deal with people on a personal level. Try to remember that when you instantly feel offended. It's them - they must not know how rude they sound! LOL...and turn it around on them and correct their hurtful criticism with helpful words. At very least - no harm done in pointing out they aren't being that nice. :)

What I usually do is say "That is your opinion" and walk away or say to myself is it a fact or a lie, if a lie I walk away.