Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi everyone,
I am feeling very trapped so would appreciate any ideas or advice anyone has. I have a new male friend who has helped me to realize that I am co-dependent as he has been too in the past. Initially it came as a bit of a shock as I work in a profession where I help others with their psychological issues. I have been with my partner for 15 years. I left him 5 years ago for 6 months whilst having an affair, but missed him, my home and our dog so much, that I went back, even though I had said to myself if was over when I left. I guess I just wanted that security back. Our relationship is very dysfunctional. He is an alcoholic. I was too but have been in recovery for 18 months. I have changed and evolved radically in this time and have found new interests and clubs (hiking) which I am heavily involved with. I want to end the relationship but I am scared and feel so guilty thinking that he won't cope well like last time I left. I am also dreading upsetting the status quo which I had grown accustomed to until i met this new man. Last time I left I packed whilst he was at work, left a note and sent a text as I felt I would weaken and not go through with it if I tried to do it face to face. I don't want to do something so cowerdly and mean again this time. I want to be mature about it but the problem is that he never talks or communicates his feelings and we never talk through how we are feeling together - so where do i start? We are both very avoidant and we live quite independently in lots of ways. I have become accomplished at being open and honest in most other areas of my life but not with him as I get nothing back.. I have continued to ignore and enable his drinking because it's easier. I feel trapped by my aversion of conflict and hurting other people but want to break free from this dysfunctional relationship.
Thank you for reading this,
Egwene
I am feeling very trapped so would appreciate any ideas or advice anyone has. I have a new male friend who has helped me to realize that I am co-dependent as he has been too in the past. Initially it came as a bit of a shock as I work in a profession where I help others with their psychological issues. I have been with my partner for 15 years. I left him 5 years ago for 6 months whilst having an affair, but missed him, my home and our dog so much, that I went back, even though I had said to myself if was over when I left. I guess I just wanted that security back. Our relationship is very dysfunctional. He is an alcoholic. I was too but have been in recovery for 18 months. I have changed and evolved radically in this time and have found new interests and clubs (hiking) which I am heavily involved with. I want to end the relationship but I am scared and feel so guilty thinking that he won't cope well like last time I left. I am also dreading upsetting the status quo which I had grown accustomed to until i met this new man. Last time I left I packed whilst he was at work, left a note and sent a text as I felt I would weaken and not go through with it if I tried to do it face to face. I don't want to do something so cowerdly and mean again this time. I want to be mature about it but the problem is that he never talks or communicates his feelings and we never talk through how we are feeling together - so where do i start? We are both very avoidant and we live quite independently in lots of ways. I have become accomplished at being open and honest in most other areas of my life but not with him as I get nothing back.. I have continued to ignore and enable his drinking because it's easier. I feel trapped by my aversion of conflict and hurting other people but want to break free from this dysfunctional relationship.
Thank you for reading this,
Egwene
Just read your post as if you were one of your clients...
Why is leaving an alcoholic cowardly and mean??? I'd say STAYING is the same thing- toward yourself.
Your sobriety (congrats, btw!) should be the #1 priority in your life.
Leave him. Period. You say you want to be mature. Well, he's not, so the only mature thing at this point is to realize that you know what you have to do, and do it.
I don't know the full extent of your situation, but you may want to contact a shelter or lawyer for some advice... you need to be prepared and take steps to protect yourself.
www.whengeorgiasmiled.org
Set boundaries with yourself and with him that are clear and non negotiable. If he has promised to change before and hasn't then perhaps leaving is the only option that will really make it clear that his behavior has to change if he wants a relationship.
The stuff about communication can only happen if he is in recovery but it can happen. The lack of authenticity is a product of his addiction behaviors and avoidance.
Be cautious around involving someone of the opposite sex....he May have his own agenda and unfortunately it is easy to go from one abusive unhealthy relationship to the next. Unless he is your counselor I would seek help from a sponsor or within your support network if you don't have one than start there.
Egwene x