So, today is Mother's Day and I always have a lot of angst around holidays.  This constant discomfort that comes up around all of them.  Usually this vague discomfort and depression that leads up to the day.  I'll try to make a long story short, I come from a very violent family and was the victim of a lot of physical abuse from my brother and father, hence the angst.  My mother is basically in their camp.

After a lot of counseling and intervention, I left. For years I participated. For years, I was damaged not only emotionally but physically, even when just visiting. I felt unable to leave. I think it was the manipulation.

I haven't participated in the holidays with them for like 5-7 years.  So I was forgetting the holiday and getting wrapped up in work, and I had forgotten about it. I usually do something with my mom separate, I'm not getting involved with woman beaters, whether I'm related to them or not, I really don't care, and TBH I don't care how my mom feels about it, either. I care about how I feel about it. She stood by and allowed all of it while I was growing up, including sexual abuse, and from an uncle as well, who was later convicted of a sex crime in court, years later.  When he was inappropriate toward me, I was blamed and told that, "I was mad/insane."

Anyway, as you can probably tell by all of this, it has affected me. I seem to have this amnesia around holidays where I forget they are coming, and then at the last minute I realize they are here and that I am "supposed" to do something. I believe a lot of these things are not authentic, but social constructs-the way we approach relationships, the expectations on various types of relationships, these rules I believe are set by the media and culture. You are "supposed" to be doing this or that on certain days.  I beg to differ.

So, I was having this angst of what to do about this holiday. I don't mind getting together with her for lunch or something, some day this month, and I usually send flowers.  I care about my mom, and even my dad a little to a small extent. But, I will no longer pretend to love people whom I do not.  I do love my mom and am grateful for the help she's given me in life, but I have little respect for her-for turning a blind eye and choosing to place herself over her children. She even stated to me years ago: "I'm not doing anything about your father because he only hits you-he doesn't hit me so it's not a problem."

I couldn't make this stuff up.  I told this to a therapist once and she said that is the mark of a narcissist. I can see why, but I never understood it in such terms.

So yeah, I half-assed it this holidays. I had a great Saturday, declined her invitation to get together with the family because it's over, and sent flowers which will arrive a day late. Cold?  Keeping up a fake charade is really the worst thing I think. I'm stopping this behavior with a lot of people. It isn't fair to anyone involved.  I said I would be glad to take just her out next weekend if she wants-and that was genuine, not contrived. She said "maybe."  And that's fine.  I'm fine either way  And I think being fine either way with things is really the end of codependency.  When you can comfortably choose to do with as well as without.  It's not to say I don't care about my mom, I do, but I don't place others above myself anymore-especially when the person involved is a narcissistic abuser or doing the machinations of one.