Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Hi All,
I've started setting boundaries and picking up new hobbies. I'm deffinitely gonna do boxing to gain more confidence, get fit and get rid of stress. And I want to do something creative as well so I thought I would go to a life drawing class. The boxing is twice a week, the drawing is once a week. When I announced it to my needy narcissistic girlfriend she asked me: How will you do them at the same time? As it turned out she thinks I am neglecting her and only caring about myself. But I am really just focusing on myself. She is very needy so I guess I will need to explain her that eveyone must find happyness in themselves, not in others. Not in me! I want to do my stuff and not spend all my evenings with her in front of the television. I think 6 hours out of 168 a week spent on myslef is really not a lot and I DO deserve it! This was last night and today I'm still very angry with her because she wants to limit me and make me focus all my energy on her. And I'm also angry with myself because I didn't explain it to her because I knew there would have been a big argument which I really don't like. But I must force myself and put up with the argument and whatever happens, just go with it. Then she started her normal manipulation strategy and said: If you don't want to be with me just say it. And like normally, I said nothing. I'm so angry with myself for this. I know I shouldn't be. But I really should have said: OK, if you can't accept the fact that you are not the center of the universe, then good bye!
BTW, being angry with myself really motivates me. I went to see the boxing gym last week and I was affraid of getting out of the car when I saw those big men. I think I have a few bad experiences from my childhood when older men told me off and put me down so I'm a coward sometimes. But when I realized it I said to myself: This is pathetic! I'm an adult man. What am I affraid of? If I don't like it I can just walk away. And what is if they swear at me and they say I'm weak and lazy? So what? This is what coaches do. Just ignore it. The I saw a few children walking out of the gym and I thought: You're so pathetic. If children can do it, you can do it too! So do it! Get off your a** and go! Just f***in go! And this gave so much power. I walked in and talked to the coach. He was a good guy.
So I'm looking forward to the boxing class tomorrow to get rid of this stress and hit something. Or someone. Or to get knocked out. That will make me stronger too.
It is such a relief to give all this out. Big thanks to you people. I need a lot of support and I'm so grateful for this group!
Have a nice day.
I've started setting boundaries and picking up new hobbies. I'm deffinitely gonna do boxing to gain more confidence, get fit and get rid of stress. And I want to do something creative as well so I thought I would go to a life drawing class. The boxing is twice a week, the drawing is once a week. When I announced it to my needy narcissistic girlfriend she asked me: How will you do them at the same time? As it turned out she thinks I am neglecting her and only caring about myself. But I am really just focusing on myself. She is very needy so I guess I will need to explain her that eveyone must find happyness in themselves, not in others. Not in me! I want to do my stuff and not spend all my evenings with her in front of the television. I think 6 hours out of 168 a week spent on myslef is really not a lot and I DO deserve it! This was last night and today I'm still very angry with her because she wants to limit me and make me focus all my energy on her. And I'm also angry with myself because I didn't explain it to her because I knew there would have been a big argument which I really don't like. But I must force myself and put up with the argument and whatever happens, just go with it. Then she started her normal manipulation strategy and said: If you don't want to be with me just say it. And like normally, I said nothing. I'm so angry with myself for this. I know I shouldn't be. But I really should have said: OK, if you can't accept the fact that you are not the center of the universe, then good bye!
BTW, being angry with myself really motivates me. I went to see the boxing gym last week and I was affraid of getting out of the car when I saw those big men. I think I have a few bad experiences from my childhood when older men told me off and put me down so I'm a coward sometimes. But when I realized it I said to myself: This is pathetic! I'm an adult man. What am I affraid of? If I don't like it I can just walk away. And what is if they swear at me and they say I'm weak and lazy? So what? This is what coaches do. Just ignore it. The I saw a few children walking out of the gym and I thought: You're so pathetic. If children can do it, you can do it too! So do it! Get off your a** and go! Just f***in go! And this gave so much power. I walked in and talked to the coach. He was a good guy.
So I'm looking forward to the boxing class tomorrow to get rid of this stress and hit something. Or someone. Or to get knocked out. That will make me stronger too.
It is such a relief to give all this out. Big thanks to you people. I need a lot of support and I'm so grateful for this group!
Have a nice day.
She sounds like a Borderline to me. All black and white thinking. I'd calmly tell her that your mind's made up. Taking classes to work on yourself should NOT be viewed as a slap in her face. A REAL woman would support you and get inspired to take something on those same nights so you can BOTH benefit. Then, the nights you ARE together can be all the more exciting and rewarding, sharing your personal growth stories! Tell her that! : )))
I bet she gets WAY too much identity through you. Maybe get a copy of the local night school catalogue and even treat her to a class?
As for feeling intimidated, I get it. So many times, things from my past affect the present. I'm glad you did it, but I'd love for you to motivate yourself through self love, rather than hate. Next time, try saying, "You deserve this. You are worthy. Now's my time to shine."
If anybody messes with you, just go to the MOD and complain. You're not paying good money to put up with any crap. But it won't happen. That's just your demons talking. Try beating them up on the bag!!!
http://www.angriesout.com/needy-narcissism.htm
http://www.yourlifecheckup.com/article.php?artid=62
http://www.drdonnalee.com/Blog.html?entry=how-to-deal-with-needy
I'm reading a book on boudaries as I think her reaction is understandable. When one person has boundary problems it means they both do. My boundaries are too narrow, her boundaries are too wide. As I've started recovering my boundaries, widening them, her bourdaries are narrowing. She's got into defensive mode. So her behaviour is understandable. But not appropriate.
You hit the nail on the head, Deli! Thanks for your advice and support. It really warms my heart :)
Maybe you should start posting about your own life instead of commenting about other people's comments? You seem as if you are just trying to stir the pot.
I am new here and trying to find out if this would be a good support group for emotional wellbeing, and as I said, it has put me off, if this is the sort of support that is offered and received.
Nothing to do 'with stirring the pot' - more to do with figuring out if this is a supportive place to be before i share information about myself. Just common sense and caution.
Please don't consider these comments judgements. These people just try to highlight the reality which we tend not to realise ourselves. I feel a bit judged sometimes but I think about the comments and I often realise that they are actually right. If I don't agree with it I just ignore it. It works for me.
It's not blindly saying, "yes, I support you."
This site is about people coming for other people's thoughts, ideas, advice, etc. That means that we DO have to judge the situation. (When did that become a bad word, anyway?) Judging means sorting through the information and making some type of assessment.
I WAS supporting Bal when I validated his feelings about wanting to improve himself. Yes, I did say what I thought about his GF, but I did that in attempt to HELP him. And we dialogued about it. I sad BP/he said, no, more like NPD. My thoughts caused him to do some research and learn more.
True, most of us are not mental health professionals, but most people know that going onto this site. But if you keep reading our posts, you'll see that there is a wealth of experience on here that many times can be more valuable than some random therapist or psych. Of course, take everything with a grain of salt.
We're like Wikipedia: a great way to START, but not the was to FINISH the research process.
THAT's my version of support. If you don't like my style, just click onto "Ignore" when you click onto my avatar. Then you'll never read what I write so you can post without fear of being subjected to my support.
Most people on here are great. There've been a few that have rubbed me the wrong way, but it makes me a better person for it. The best is when people challenge my thoughts. I didn't come on here because my life is perfect- I need others' takes on my situations.
My style is that I've been around the block a few times and I am VERY perceptive. I can spot underlying issues A LOT and I will put it out there and many times, things come to light. People THINK they are dealing with one issue, but I help them realize it's only a symptom of another, deeper problem. I can't do that by being namby pamby. So I'm direct. But I promise, I am never mean.
Anyway, that's my deal.
Maybe you want to start over by posting a little bit about what brings you on here and see how it goes. I see you've been on here sine 2011, btw... have you posted much?