Hi, I'm new to this group.

I have just realized I am codependent and that, without a doubt, relationships are an addiction for me. I have always believed that despite my troubled upbringing that I dodged addiction, but am coming to terms with the fact that I very much have an addiction and it has interfered with my development in huge ways. I think I've known for quite a long time but have never confronted the fact that I will indeed need to get help. I think I've been afraid to admit it to myself, because then it means I have to stop, and stopping seems impossible.

My partner of 8 months and I just broke up about a month ago. We had a loving, intense, rocky relationship. The entire time I was aware of how my irrational upsets and clinginess effected the relationship, but I felt helpless. Like I couldn't stop. This isn't the first time. I was in a long abusive relationship before this one. And another and another. I have either been in a relationship or obsessively crushing continuously from age 13.

Every partner feels special, irreplacable and profoundly important. I believe they do care a great deal about me until they can't anymore. Every single relationship follows a pattern of quick, "deep" love, "I've never felt this way before," my discontent, conflict, renewed commitment, the person trying to save me from my mental health issues, the person rebelling against this expectation, renewed commitment, the person feels fatigued and alienated from their life, then they leave, then they return for round two after several months. I always feel deeply invested and gutted and so much self-hatred when they leave. I always feel invested in their return. I do genuinely care about my recent ex's well-being, and did the entire time. I tried tirelessly to change my patterns, but this ended up being the shortest lived relationship so far. 

I am feeling so so so heartbroken today. We were still in constant contact before I left for a long trip with my family. While I was gone, they asked for space. I worked very hard during and after the breakup to respect my ex partner's boundaries. The split was amicable and the aftermath didn't involve begging or manipulation on my part. However, in the past few weeks, they have completely stop talking to me. When I returned home, the apartment my ex offered to look after was in dissaray. I texted them to figure out what happened. I haven't received a response. I am deeply afraid that I irrepably harmed this person who I love. I am afraid that they need me out of their life completely. I am afraid that I am more of a monster than I realize. I am projecting a lot of things onto this situation of my ex not responding. I realize that maybe it's just a matter of needing time and space to heal, especially because we still felt very much in love at the time of our split. But my mind has been whirling. I have felt like I need to die. I have felt like everything is ending. It feels like the death of the fantasy in which we were perfect for one-another and were going to spend our lives together. It feels like waking up from a dream. I didn't realize the extent to which I needed this fantasy to be a reality. I didn't realize that this wasn't a reflection of our genuine connection, but of my own need for a certain future in which a person fulfils me completely. I think we were compatible and liked and loved each other, but my need for it to be everything turned it dark. I didn't realize this. I didn't realize that love didn't need to be certain and predestined. I knew I was clingy, but I didn't know that the commitment to the fantasy drove the obsessive behavior. In my mind, the fantasy was a justification for sticking together even though it is clear I am not a happy or healthy person on any level.

I am just now realizing that there is profound truth to the idea that you can't love someone if you don't love yourself. I thought there was a way to cheat this sentiment, by pretending to love myself, by loving the other person so much it wouldn't matter, by holding everything in. No, everything I have sought in life, the feeling of connection and safety, flows freely from self-fulfilment. Unfortunately, I have none.

I don't even know where to begin! I'm starting therapy, again. Every small or large action feels pointless. I have all these plans for my life, but in the moment, action feels pointless. I feel pointless without the love of my ex. All I've done for weeks is cry and stare and obsess. I am so good at obsessing. I obsessed my way through the relationship. It's shocking that it lasted as long as it did! I have spent my entire life obsessing over securing love and commitment from others. More than that, securing the certainty of love and commitment, because while I've been offered much of both, it isn't enough unless I know that it will always be there. That isn't a thing you can ever know! It's insanity.

I'm smart. I've managed to get a college degree. I've somehow managed to form close friendships with people who are endlessly giving and supportive. I don't know how I have even this. I repeat, my entire self has been consumed by romantic relationships for my entire life. I always feel my best when I am not focusing on the relationships. But I do it anyway. 

Now I find myself single living alone in a city where I had a few friends but lost them all during my relationship, a job I hate, no interests or hobbies or commitments, infinite time on my hands and no motivation to do anything. I am completely cut off from my ex and my one close friend I've made in this city introduced us. They aren't responding to me either. I have concoted stories in my head in which they both decided together that I am bad, and unilaterally cut me out. Who knows?

I have a problem. I have an addiction. I want to get better. I know I have a good heart and potential. I know that, despite everything, there are some people who love me. But when I tried to be positive today, I ended up just sobbing for hours. I feel like I need to hear from them. I don't know if I'll ever get better. I don't know if I have the strength to follow through. I don't know if I truly ruined something that could have been really positive for me. My ex told me that they could see us together in the future if I got right with myself, but now they aren't speaking to me. I was clinging to that hope. I know that that hope is besides the point and the actual problem in itself. 

I want to know that people get past this, that they feel better, that they find a way to enjoy things, that they feel a sense of self, that I can be normal. I want to know that I can have a partner and children one day without obsessing over said partner and ruining the partnership. I want to know that I can bring value to my own life, and therefore the lives of others, and actually be a good partner, and actually experience fulfilling love. I want to know that people figure this out. It feels tricky. I have to heal something intangible.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. Looking for, I suppose, confirmation that I can achieve what I want to achieve. Confirmation that even if I feel like there is something deeply shameful about me bc my ex and friend are both ignoring me, that maybe it isn't what it all seems. 

Much love.