Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
My father passed away a month ago. He had leukemia and was n hospice, so I thought I was prepared to deal with the grief. When he passed away I was overcome with anger. Anger that towards lots of people. One of the things that came up was a grieving for my childhood.: When I was younger, my brother, who is two years older than me, had severe learning problems in school. I tutored him, I saw him get bullied and struggle and all along my parents told me I had to take care of my brother. My father would always tell me, "when I die you have to take care of your brother." So I was the perfect daughter...never causing trouble, and when my brother needed help as an adult, I took him into my home...ignoring my own life.
I thought I had made peace with that years ago, but I guess I never grieved for the loss of my autonomy. After my father passed, I had a lot of anger toward lots of poeple and thing and one of my best friends who didn't call or come to the wake. I think /we both do the co-dependecy dance.. and that's why we found this familiarity and common ground. When things are good in our friendship they are great. We reenact the relationships we had with our parents through this friendship. After my father died I became upset at my friend, "Peter" for being distant and not comforting me. He blew up at me and doesn't want to see me. I am a people pleaser and am trying to mend fences...I can't stand disagreements, I want to make everything ok....but I can't.
This is killing me because I feel guilty for having all this anger. I've read codependency and grief books. i realize that overwhelming anger is a part of grief, but I still feel guilty and ashamed that I cannot make everything ok. Any advice or wisdom? I keep obsessing about this issue and it's bothering me because I'm normally a logical and sane person.
I thought I had made peace with that years ago, but I guess I never grieved for the loss of my autonomy. After my father passed, I had a lot of anger toward lots of poeple and thing and one of my best friends who didn't call or come to the wake. I think /we both do the co-dependecy dance.. and that's why we found this familiarity and common ground. When things are good in our friendship they are great. We reenact the relationships we had with our parents through this friendship. After my father died I became upset at my friend, "Peter" for being distant and not comforting me. He blew up at me and doesn't want to see me. I am a people pleaser and am trying to mend fences...I can't stand disagreements, I want to make everything ok....but I can't.
This is killing me because I feel guilty for having all this anger. I've read codependency and grief books. i realize that overwhelming anger is a part of grief, but I still feel guilty and ashamed that I cannot make everything ok. Any advice or wisdom? I keep obsessing about this issue and it's bothering me because I'm normally a logical and sane person.
At this point, the myriad feelings that wash over one in early mourning just have to be accepted.
Many unresolved issues come up. They can't all be dealt with. Only acknowledged.
Be kind to yourself and try to do the least amount of damage to your own life and relationships in this delicate time. That's challenge enough for now.
Time takes time...........cliche' but true.
You are heard.
Wow...I can understand the pursuer-distancer codependent dance you are doing with your friend "Peter." It sounds like you feel like he just needs time, but that is the hardest part just waiting when you'd rather have everything be okay now. Maybe while you are waiting, you could journal your thoughts to him or write letters you don't send. That way you aren't pushing your friend away but you're still able to get the feelings out in a way. It sounds like you were really hurt he wasn't there for you and he is upset with you for giving him that feedback.
I have a friend who saw me through the toughest days of my life. Last year, I struggled with some major issues and pushed her away by not keeping in touch in order to protect her from my stuff. She was hurt and eventually sent me an e-mail that explained how she was hurting. It hurt me to read it and I wasn't sure how to respond because we were both upset. It took courage for each of us to confront the issues and give it time. I apologized for things I had unfairly done in our friendship and we talked about the insights we had. In the end, it's a new beginning. I don't know if any of that relates to how you and your friend are doing. It sounds like there is hurt and pain for you that will just take some time. You've said what you felt you needed to say, and perhaps so has he...maybe now just some time, and when you come back together, listening and validating each other and wanting to move on....I don't know....
I guess it comes down to choices that people have (William Glasser's Choice Theory). We can only choose what we will do, not what someone else will do. It is hard to wait while your friend makes his choice for how to respond to you when you'd like things to heal. I'm here for you if you ever want to talk.
--Jaime