Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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Dan123 07/17/2018

First of all sorry for my English.

I first met this guy at the bar. He was shy but very attentive and sweet. We meet up a few times and i started to fall in love. He told me he liked me but already has a boyfriend. But thing where going bad and his boyfriend was cheating on him and he wanted to end the relationship. After a few times he told me that he left him. we kissed and slept together. After a week totally in love, he told me that he was going back to his ex because he didn't want to let him go after 1,5 year. BUT he asked: "If it doesn't work out after all do you still want to date?" I was so mad and angry and didn't hear from him for 1 month. When i heard him i only told him to let me alone. So after this month he came to me and told me he definitly left his ex and wanted to be with me. I said no but he was so sweet and all of his friends came to me to tell me that he is sooo in love with me. They never saw him THAT happy. So I gave him a chance and he was soooo sweet. He was patient, caring, did EVERYTHING i asked.

Fast forward we lived together. The first 12 months he always wanted to be with me but i had to go to school and had 1 hobby. After I stoped with my hobby for him he started 3 hobby's and didn't want any time alone with me. I felt that he was leaving so i asked maby to many times if there was something wrong. He always told me that there was nothing and he loved me and would never leave me, he wanted to marry me, blah blah,... . one day we where searching for an house to rent. suddenly he had to go and didn't want me to come with him. He left 3 days after he came back to break up with me. He didn't want to tell me why because he said that he didn't know. He said: Maybe i see you more as a friend? I asked if there was someone else. (beceaus he never was out of a relationship from his 18 and now he is 26) He always told me that there was no one else. 1 week after the breakup he came back to sleep with me and once again told me there was no one else. 3 days after this i discovered that he was back in touch with his ex for a few months. 1 week after the break up he posted happy in love pictures. I doesn't understand how could he replace me in just a week.

Some things you also need to know: When i discoverd lies of him when we where in a relationship he always told me he had to lie because i make a drama of everything. Okey sometimes i make a drama but he told lies for the smallest things that woudn't upset anyone but also grand lies. 1 time he even tried to have sex with me when i didn't want to. He forced me when i kept saying NO when i started crying he let me go and said: Did you really thing that i would do such thing? He was always texting and when he hide his telephone i asked him to let mee see his text. He told me that i didn't trust him and was angry on me. A few weeks after the break up i discovered that he was texting his ex. He always makes excuses for everything that he did wrong, it was always mine or someone else his fold AND he NEVER said sorry. 1 time he threatened me to kick me trogh the house but he didn't (he did this whit someone else a few years back.) I doesn't understand 4 times after the break up and I still have the feeling that no one understand my situation he was sooooo sweet first and everyone likes him. Sometimes I still blame myself. He looks soo happy with his new/old boyfriend they already moved in together.

He never gave me an honest explenation and doesn't want to meet to talk. I have the feeling that i love/hate him. My mind is telling me to move on but my hart just don't let that happen. He was my first love and I still don't know if this was a normal relationship/break-up. Was he really that sweet guy when I just met him but changed when he knew he loved his ex? When i told him i just wanted te hear a sorry for all he did to me and not an excuse he told me 100 times how sorry he is and want that i find someone else. He also don't want to hear anything from the past anymore. Please help me! Thnx for reading!!!

SimpsonsOK 07/17/2018

Dan, he is a charmer and an abuser. He plays people against each other with the back and forth. His ex is also likely codependent too. He looks so happy with whoever he's with, then bounces off again. He does not believe that he is doing anything wrong, and likely never will. We learn to deal with our codependency. We then meet healthy people who can have a relationship. Most of us have also dealt with the pain of learning that the person we met was their façade, having to grieve the loss, and then make ourselves healthy enough to connect with healthier people. Healing and comforting hugs as you move on your journey. We are here for you.

Dan123 07/17/2018

Thank you for the comment. It's really hard to accept all things that happened and i didn't realize that i am a codependent till now. I am the person i didn't want to be and its so confusing... I still love and crave for my ex but i know i don't want a relationship with him. Anyway tnx for the answer i really appreciate it!

mirandac 07/17/2018

Welcome to the group, hugs

urbangardener 07/19/2018

This guy sounds extremely dysfunctional but I have to chastise you for thinking you were in love so instantly. There is no instant love. Its lust maybe. It takes about a year of dating a person or knowing a person to understand who they are and how they are. After a year of dating, people tend to relax and become their true selves. Its easy to fake it for a while, a few months, but the true self always comes out. It is us that needs the fantasy and the pretense of instant love. Its not real, it never was real, but you wanted it to be real to "fix" something inside of you. I would suggest you stop dating and get therapy or do some intensive self help. Codependent groups or books can help. Your need for drama or being dramatic is something that you need to fix. No one makes you so drama filled, its within you. Do you need attention or what? Don't feel lovable? When you figure out your own emotional needs and strengths, you will start to attract better partners. When you figure out yourself and work on you, you will find self love and self worth -- our lack of self love and self worth is often why we atract bad partners or put up with bad partners. People who love themselves, go slowly and protect themselves because they want the truth and reality because they believe they deserve it.

SimpsonsOK 07/21/2018

Gardener, we try to keep black belt AlAnon for in person sessions with sponsors. DS is about support. Truly hope Dan returns.

Dan123 07/22/2018

I am still here, I know what gardener means, I always tought that i was a strong independent person. He was my first love, before him i didn't need anyone. I had boundaries en i didn't put up with people that treated me poorly. I met him and I tought that falling in love so fast was a normal thing. What i said about drama is true. Before him i was a person that was always calm, not into drama, But i felt so crazy and paranoid of all his lies, And I still don't know what was a lie and what not. I Also know that this doesn't matter anymore, but this keeps me thinking if I could do more to make the relationship work. It's like this relationship digged up all my childhood traumas and my inner problems. I lost all my boundaries and I crave for his attention even when i know he was not good for me. I know that my deepest fear is that i am not lovable. It's something i carry with me. I know that i have to love myself first. I always try to be "good enough" while i know i have to be good enough for myself. This person showed me my weakness and how bad it is. Now i am confused because i don't understand why i know all this and still crave for him.

mirandac 07/22/2018

The craving is your addiction to him. You need to
Detach from him.

Read codependent no more by Melody Beattie
or Darlene Lancer Has codependent for dummies.

There are tons of resources on Here that have
been listed by Salina and I.

You need to build up yourself and Your self
esteem. You are far from Alone. Thats why we
are all on here.

I use to think i was okay too and i had it Worked
All out myself as i matured, Married and had grown
up. I was very wrong it was still all in there working
Unconsciously thru out my marriage. My marriage
Had Turned toxic towards the end.

If we are a codependent we could find An addict,
narc or another emotionally unavailable person.
Until you truly heal That inner codependent you
could be at Risk of just going out and finding
another one.

We often find someone on the same Level of
dysfunction that we are at.

This is a very deep issue and its not a Easy
simple or quick journey. Awareness helps
Bring you out of denial thats the beginning
Not the end.,

Welcome to the club no one wants to be in,
HUGS

SimpsonsOK 07/22/2018

Dan, I could really relate to that transition from being perceived as strong and independent. In retrospect, I had some rigid boundaries, but also was easily manipulated at times. I also was perceived as a calm person outside the house, but either very emotional or shut down once at home. I think that once I went into a marriage, the boundaries got weaker and weaker. The recovery work is worth it. Comforting hugs.

mirandac 07/22/2018

Many of us have abandonment issues
From our upbringing. You can not abandon
An adult unless you are abandoning yourself.

If you are accepting bad And unhealthy
Behaviors just to keep the relationship
going That is a Self abandonment.

My boundaries were weak with my ex and
I was always a marshmellow with him. My
therapist Said i still had unresolved shame
so that kept my boundaries Weak with him.
With Most other people i was not a push over.

Dr henry cloud has two good books People
seem to like "Boundaries" and "safe people".
All of this stuff takes time and Getting strong
enough and having hope And courage.

To have a healthy mutual relationship
Both people should have self love onboard
And good strong healthy boundaries in
Place. Thats the ideal and what we hope
For to happen. It creates interdependence
Not having a dysfunctional/codependent
relationship. HUGS

Dan123 07/22/2018

Thank!! I know what you mean. I thought i had worked on my issues. I was feeling good, I felt like I could let my guard down because i trusted him. The truth is (little bit of shame) i have a social work degree. And i was trained to be a therapist by therapists. I did 3 years of reflecting myslef and how to help others in such a journey. I thought I maked a really good progress and i was confident. I did this study because i always saw something good in people. This event just felt like a huge step back. It also felt like I cant do my job in a good way when I was trapped myself. It is also a matter of pride because im not into drama, I thought i could "fix" what was happening and i cant see the good things in him anymore like it was all fake. But even then i still want his attention, to feel like i am worth to be loved. I have the knowledge that i have to love myself first but the feeling is different. The thing is that it feels like I am back at square one and all of my issues where just covered up and by this happening just ripped off the band-aid. I now see all my flaws and issues very clearly. I thank you both a lot!!! All your reply's are so helpful because even if you dont know me you still care. I have a lot of readings and therapy to do, but i keep in touch! HUGS

Dan123 07/22/2018

One thing i want to add. Something is blocking me to let this go. Sometimes i cant see the good things in him but then i feel like i am losing myself. When I search for his good sides i immediatly think that it was all my fold. I have many flaws that i am aware of but all he did was lying, cheating, threatening,... with NO remorse. It is really hard to accept someone could be so cold that the only option seems to blame myself and all my flaws for his behavore. It is a never ending cycle.

mirandac 07/22/2018

Dan being a codependent is a deep issue
and It needs to be healed. I had to detach
From my ex and it was brutally hard.

I know a therapist That is not healed and
you can see and hear the dysfunction
Because she has not faced herself or her
stuff. She is my ex's cousin and a SW worker.

Her family has as much stuff as my family.
She went to Alanon because of her ex and
Decided that was not for her. Basically nothing
is wrong with her.

This Work Is layers upon layers. You heal one
thing Then onto the next. The grieving has been
Huge with me and the loss of a 30 year Marriage
never mind the old stuff. Hugs

SimpsonsOK 07/23/2018

Dan, you know family dynamics of dysfunctional families. The blame game comes in because someone must be to blame even when the situation doesn't warrant it. Since he has learned to position himself as never wrong, you become the scapegoat. Someone who lacks empathy, spins things (he cheats and lies, then makes you wrong to not trust an untrustworthy person is crazy making), and can just replace whoever in a slot, such as girlfriend, is not healthy. You know he is likely a psychopath or sociopath. Your job is to work on your addiction and not have him bounce back in. Hugs.

urbangardener 07/26/2018

SimpsonsOK, I disagree with what is helpful and what is not. You are entitled to your opinion and calling the BF a sociopath, just as I am entitled to help in a way that I think is wise mind. I sincerely hope Dan figures out his own issues and finds a new path because he is worth and deserves a happy life.

And Dan, you show a lot of good insight. Very wise person you are.

Dan123 08/18/2018

Guys i want to give u an update. Last month was really a struggle . But I am proud of myself. I met 2 guys, 2 guys with a totally different personality. One guy was a sweet guy but he fell in love with another. That moment was really hard because i felt the pain of my ex again and harder. This pain/event let me realize 2 things. 1 need to set my boundaries right and that i'm not ready to date yet. This made me think that i am happier alone with good boundaries then when i'm with someone, without having any boundaries. Also I learned that i have to protect myself from people with wrong intentions. The next guy, I accidentally met him. He fell totally in love with me from day one. He looks like a really sweet guy and he is totally my type. But what is different: I didn't had the urge of beîng immediately in a relationship, I have the urge to let things grow naturally, take things slow and getting to know him without haste. I realize that falling in love that fast isn't good for my own safety and for his. I'm not ready for a new relationship but i will meet up with him and just see how far it goes. I told him how i feel and he is very understandig. Now I need to focus on myself first. That is my first boundary. I'm proud of myself for making that progress!!! TNX for all the support u gave me, Feeling the humanity in all of u gave me some strenght! I keep u updated. :D

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