Hi, I'm new-- to the site, to actually trying to process my emotions instead of hide from them, to actually talking to people online, etc.

It was recently brought to my attention that I bear a lot of markers of someone with codependency issues (of the dysfunctional family upbringing flavor) which made sense because of my, well, dysfunctional family upbringing (wow, what a surprise). I'd hit something that didn't quite feel like rock bottom, but maybe a very jagged rock on my way tumbling down a cliff towards it, when I reached out to someone I really admired and asked for help, guidance, anything they could offer me. We talked about what was going on with me, what was going on with him, and then little things too. It felt like the first time I'd been honest with anyone in half a year. 

I mentioned to him this overwhelming fear of letting people down, especially people that I either respected, admired, or loved. I was terrified of letting him down because I respected him so much as a professor. I was even more terrified of letting down my mother and aunt because not only did I love them both, but they had done so much, gone through so much, for me. However, nothing terrified me more than the thought of letting my siblings down. I'm the oldest of five and not entirely sure how much I'm supposed to overshare here. A unique and unfortunate family situation put me in more of a parental role than was smart, considering I was only 4 years older than the next eldest and 7 years older than the youngest. Growing up, those children were my responsibility and, somewhere along the line, they became my world. They still are. Many of the things that I do, I do with the intention of specifically helping them. 

I don't have many grand life goals. I'm not sure what I want to do with myself in the long term. The biggest dream I've got is having a stable income to afford an apartment I can settle down in for an extended period of time with enough cash on the side to pamper a pet or two. Then, I can invite my siblings, one at a time, to come crash on my couch and live wherever it is I'm living so they can get a taste of the world outside the sprawling suburbia we grew up in. So we can go on these wacky yet, mundane sitcom-esque adventures where the biggest conflict we have to deal with is coming up with a stupid and elaborate plan to ask out a girl one of them is interested in. So I can watch them grow up, from young adult to semi-young adult. Just mature a little more in this big ol' world. I can be a stepping stone to whatever great thing they're going to do next. And after all four have taken that step, moved out and moved on, I have no idea what I'll do with myself. 

I moved two time zones and thousands of miles to attend college a few years ago, so I get to see the kiddos about once a year, although they're rapidly all becoming not-kiddos anymore and that's a whole 'nother bucket of worms that I'm not sure I can start processing before finishing up this first one. It feels like my leaving left a void, although maybe that's just me needing to be needed, but I'm still the family mediator, even thousands of miles away. Every time there's a big fight, I'm the one that gets called in. Or, technically, just called. I'm barely capable of taking care of myself, frequently forgetting to eat and drink water and go outside for anything other than work but, when I'm around my siblings, I make sure they're getting their three square meals plus snacks, staying hydrated, staying active-- even when focusing on them means I don't have time for myself but, it doesn't matter, because even if I had the time I wasn't actually going to spend it on myself anyway.

I'm really oversharing. Gotta reign this back in.

The person I met with, who pointed out to me my (ironically, rather obvious) signs of being codependent, told me to look into support groups in the area. He, himself, had dealt with addiction issues in his youth and had been helped a fair amount by support groups (although therapy was what really got him on the way to recovery, but I can't afford therapy currently and any help is better than no help so support groups-- let's give it a whirl). The big one in my area appears to be CODA and I'm trying to work up the nerve to attend a meeting (because attending a meeting would mean that I have a problem and I can't have problems because that would make me weak and I can't be weak because my siblings and everyone else need to be strong etc. etc.) but I'm worried about how, um, aggressively religious the doctrine seems.

I read some other posts about people's worries but I still felt the need to overshare with the group, I guess (all the more reason I should just nut up and go to a meeting). I'm originally from the deep south and had a lot of issues growing up with never being Christian enough for my peers. Pushed me away from any aggressive religious activities entirely. Now I'm just really wary of those big kinds of kumbayah moments. Any time I feel like someone is making an effort to convert me, it's just full reflexive mental and emotional recoil. I saw other people say that some people feel that the whole process comes across as too cultish for them and that makes me worried because I'm very prone to that kind of thinking. I find college football games to be too cultish (with all the chanting, the excessive garb, the hand symbols, the groupthink), I'm not sure I'll be able to get what I need to out of a support group if I'm too busy being distracted by the fear that this isn't actually here to help people like me but, in fact, is just some kind of conversion tool taking advantage of vulnerable people. 

I want to go to meetings, I think I'm just scared of being let down and then, in turn, letting down anyone who had any expectations of me making an effort to get better. I've looked it up and there are four in my immediate area in the next four days-- two of which are in a church, which I don't think will help me with my irrational suspicion but the other two are in a clinic and a school, so safer bets. I feel like I should end this with a question of some kind, being a discussion post and all-- any strategies for managing the nagging cultish feeling? any recommendations for where I should look next if CODA really doesn't work for me? 

I don't plan to go to just one meeting and give up if I don't like the vibes but, I don't know, I feel more secure, feeling like I've got a plan B in case this falls through.