Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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April-May 07/14/2018

This week I had a big fight with my Mom, it was really bad like when I was a child. Now I am almost 30 and have been living in a State where I had no family and could start over creating the world I want to live in. Well it is now 12 years latter and my Mom needs my help. So I move to her home on the other side of the country. After three months of living together and me trying to help her with Knee replacement recovery I am turning into a person I don't even like.

Talking with a Bishop in my church (who is a licensed professional counselor for his day job) he told me about this word I had never heard Co-Dependency. He asked me to look into it and see what I think about it he also asked me to look at Al-Anon meetings near me. I have been reading Co-Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. I am having a hard time excepting that because of my parents and their personal problems and addictions that it made me sick. I was always trying to be the understanding child. The child that was helpful, soft and gentle. I was the easiest child that my parents raised because I wasn't the kind of person to push boundaries or really fight them. I wasn't the kind of person who would ever try and hurt anyone on perpose.

This week I am losing it. I feel like I am going crazy. I am not ok and I wish that people would see that when they look at me. See that I am not ok as easly as they see my mom has had knee replacement. I want to feel truly feel like I matter. That I count that my feelings count. I have needs to but they really get over looked because people don’t take the time to really look at me.

I have been a caregiver most of my life caring for every need I could that other people needed filled (to a certain point that is.) I care for others and yet often over look myself. In the past few years I have found being around people to be harder than it has ever been for me. I use to be out going loved to be around people. However in the last few years I find it harder to be around a lot of people. They have so many needs and problems I am now longer able to help them though. I know that it is also not me responsibility to care for everyone’s emotional needs. That somehow doesn’t keep me from trying so much until I am passed burned out.

My name is April and this Week I have learned that I am Co-Dependent.

I am not ok. My life is going up in flames all around me and yet on the outside to everyone who doesn’t look too close I look like I have it all together… Not because I am trying to act better than anyone else but because those around me need me to be strong for them.

mirandac 07/14/2018

Good share and welcome to our group. I am glad you
are reading melodie beattie to help you better understand
Yourself and whats going on.

i have been in alanon and therapy for six years. its baby
steps forward and layer by layer for me.

i have not found any short cuts or easy ways myself, hugs

SimpsonsOK 07/14/2018

Welcome aboard our lifeboat. The Bishop got it right. When I first came on some DS sites, I spent a lot of time reading posts and replies.
12 years away did not change the fact that as soon as you appeared on the scene the old family dynamics would not instantly appear. We are the great pretenders, and keep our pain and frustration inside.
Congrats on starting to put it out. This is a very safe site to be on. We are here because we have been there. Showers of hugs as you begin this journey.

April-May 07/14/2018

Thank You Mirandac and SimpsonsOK. I am new to this and am still in the denial stage. Were you guys in the Denial Stage?? I want my loved ones to want to change themselves I don't actually want to be the one to change them. I don't try and put them down for their addictions. I just don't want to accept the idea that because of living in the environment I did as a kid I am now and always going to be fighting Co-Dependency issues.

mirandac 07/14/2018

Its not your job to change or fix anyone but
Yourself.

Denial is very normal and many wait to hit rock
bottom before reaching out for help.

Awareness is a good first step. Thats how you
come out of denial.

You do not need to tell the world you are a
codependent. I only talk about it in recovery
circles. Most people would not even begin to
understand. Hugs

Alexra 07/15/2018

Hi there, I hope my experience will bring you some feeling of solidarity. When my father died, leaving my mum as a relatively young, healthy widow, I still thought it was my job to look after her, even though she was perfectly able and resourceful. Newly married, I chose to live close to her, not even stopping to consider what I really wanted in my life. I 'woke up' after having my second child, and went through a deep feeling of loss and hopelessness, really a period of depression. I began to learn that this tendency of mine to over empathise with others and ignore my own feelings is classic codependency. My relationship with my mum and other family members took a turn for the worse as I withdrew, unable to really express my feelings to them, attempting to periodically and unsuccessfully. I now realise it is more important that I listen to myself, than try to make others understand me. I'm trying to be with feelings of gut wrenching loss, the pain of disregarding myself. I'm afraid that if I'm not on top form, people will easily take advantage of me. I live in a lonely place, ultimately we are all alone. I'd love to be able to relax more with people, be able to trust that I will consider my own interests first, in a balanced way, and have the courage to speak up, when it often feels very unnatural and frightening for me. I was raised by extremely religious parents, so that adds another element to spice up the issues. I do believe I've found my own form of spirituality, again my challenge is not to sink into guilt, but to trust myself. Good luck on your journey to recovery.

SimpsonsOK 07/15/2018

My share: denial and rationalization are integral basics for all addictions. Denial has many layers to work through. "I am a (fill in the blank), but...". We want people to be nice, caring, thoughtful, etcetera, and sometimes think we can teach that by being an example of these things. We have difficulty accepting that other people are who they are, and do what they do. Many of us are in that 20% of the population who are HSPs; highly sensitive people. Easy to hunt up on the internet. That means 80% of the population do not feel and react as we do. We learn to accept ourselves, see what we do that is dysfunctional, and accept that we can change those behaviors. Enough for now. Hugs to all.

urbangardener 07/16/2018

It would help to get counseling. Ask your bishop for a referral but do not go to him for true therapy or counseling as this is unethical. He has a personal relationship with you and you should go to someone you don't know who has no conflict of interest. It sounds like you have spent your life trying to earn love, affection, and approval. Me, too. It never works, it always backfires on us. Your parents are never going to be the parents that you long for, that you can please and make happy. Its not your fault that your parents are like this. That is the first step. Know that is not about YOU as you. Its about something damaged and broken inside of them. Beattie has a new version of her book, The New Codependency that I found very helpful because it has ways to assess oneself and it written for the modern world. So now you are on a journey to find yourself and learn to love yourself. You will be happier once you figure out that you are okay and can love yourself. You were raised with this sick dynamic and its all you know. You have given up your life to caregiver for your mother, probably in a fantasy of hoping she has changed and will finally love you as you deserve. Accepting that she can't love you properly, with respect, with kindness, because she is damaged or broken inside of her. Perhaps sit down and write out all the reasons you decided to jump ship and come help mom. Understanding why you did what you did, your feelings, your motivations, will help you understand what needs fixing inside of you. Once I figured out that I so desperately needed love and approval from others, external validation, and it always brought users and abusers into my life. This last go round with a user boss made me decide to learn to self love and fix myself. I was tired of having no boundaries, saying yes when I meant no, etc.

Alexra 07/18/2018

Apologies I didn't introduce myself properly, by saying I'm also new to this site, this is my first experience of an on line support group, so I'm finding my way.

April how are you? I really appreciated your post as I could totally relate to everything you said, especially feeling duty bound to care for your parents, overwhelmed by other's needs, while rationally knowing it is not your job to care for them. I was also an extremely compliant, people pleasing child.

I've found all the comments Urbangardener, Simpsonok, Mirandac, really helpful. Thank you.

I've been in therapy and found it extremely helpful. I still feel like I'm floundering much of the time, caught in narrow, obsessive, defensive, negative thinking. Could anyone recommend a work book to aid me in my journey to recovery, that I could fill in to help me chart my small victories? Thank you

mirandac 07/18/2018

The retraining and reparenting is Very
Hard to do. Its layer by layer and its Slow.
I did most of mine in alanon. My therapist
Did Help me with the bigger Issues.

Many do like melodie beattie and she
Has a workbook. Darlene lancer has
Workbooks too i believe, There are
Other resources too.

My mother still to this day wants
Enmeshment with her children.
Thats what sick and unhealthy
People do.

The best thing i did for myself was
To get into therapy when in my 20's
And move away. It was not far enough
Though. I did reinvent myself emotionally
But i still needed loads more work. And
I did not marry the healthiest person. We
were both wounded people. Eventually
It all played out.

Mothers are not my favorite subject. My
Mother is PD narc and my XMIL has traits
And the isms of the disease of alcoholism.

Both my ex and i come from the same
Stuff. Narcissism, alcoholism, codependency,
Abuse and dysfunction. I call it a nasty ball
of wax, Hugs

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