Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I am so much looking forward to starting coda meetings.
In the meantime, I just had to reach out. I get it. I am co-dependent.. I appreciate two friends of mine telling me to go to coda meetings.
I am frustrated with myself. I can see things clearly and know what I need to do-yet when I talk to my ex-I fall back into the pattern. No matter how many times I explain to him what I need, why I need to move on, that I want to date, etc. he keeps pursuing me. He's separated but has not divorced after telling me since I met him he was going to be. During that time, we had a very deep relationship, he was there for me in many ways and that was great. But he would often become emotionally inconsistent, made no attempts at moving forward (I never met his daughter or was invited holidays with his parents). Yet he was dominating, jealous, and possessive over me at times. I finally got it after 3 years- we had a huge fight and that prompted me to end it. I was abrupt and it wasn't the best way. For a while he called angrily demanding an explanation. I finally answered and explained why hoping for closure. It's like a battle of our wills now. He's back to being the nicest guy, says he wants to move in with me, how much he loves me, etc. (though isn't ready to divorce-strange). All I can remember is that when he had me he stayed stuck in limbo saying he had no clue about what he wanted. I want to be away from him now but my actions are opposite of what I say- I answer his calls and call him. I want him to hear me and get it-I know how co-dependent that sounds and controlling on my part. But I want closure on it and yet I'm getting deeper in it with all this talking. We clearly have two different goals and the advice I get is to simply stop talking to him completely. I say I will but I never do and others get frustrated with hearing it. So that's my story-codependence keeps me hanging on. And now I'm keeping us both in limbo.
Thanks for being there-whoever you may be and I welcome any feedback!
Jenny
In the meantime, I just had to reach out. I get it. I am co-dependent.. I appreciate two friends of mine telling me to go to coda meetings.
I am frustrated with myself. I can see things clearly and know what I need to do-yet when I talk to my ex-I fall back into the pattern. No matter how many times I explain to him what I need, why I need to move on, that I want to date, etc. he keeps pursuing me. He's separated but has not divorced after telling me since I met him he was going to be. During that time, we had a very deep relationship, he was there for me in many ways and that was great. But he would often become emotionally inconsistent, made no attempts at moving forward (I never met his daughter or was invited holidays with his parents). Yet he was dominating, jealous, and possessive over me at times. I finally got it after 3 years- we had a huge fight and that prompted me to end it. I was abrupt and it wasn't the best way. For a while he called angrily demanding an explanation. I finally answered and explained why hoping for closure. It's like a battle of our wills now. He's back to being the nicest guy, says he wants to move in with me, how much he loves me, etc. (though isn't ready to divorce-strange). All I can remember is that when he had me he stayed stuck in limbo saying he had no clue about what he wanted. I want to be away from him now but my actions are opposite of what I say- I answer his calls and call him. I want him to hear me and get it-I know how co-dependent that sounds and controlling on my part. But I want closure on it and yet I'm getting deeper in it with all this talking. We clearly have two different goals and the advice I get is to simply stop talking to him completely. I say I will but I never do and others get frustrated with hearing it. So that's my story-codependence keeps me hanging on. And now I'm keeping us both in limbo.
Thanks for being there-whoever you may be and I welcome any feedback!
Jenny
Change your phone number. Keep busy, make new friends, take up a new sport..take a class, read, . anything and everything to occupy your time and stay away from him.
The best thing my therapist every told me....
"Relationships are like addiction, cut it off. walk away and stay away.
Every time you talk to him, you just get sucked back in."
She told me to stop being wishy washy. She told me I was the same as he was... playing with fire and not thinking of the consequences. She pointed out that if I did not get him out of my life, I was not open to that "honest, loving and real relationship" that is out there for me.
Good Luck.
The best comparison I can show you(not that you need to be shown,but just as a different perspective),is that your addiction to him is like mine to cigarettes. I know that if I keep smoking,I am hurting myself and my health,but I continue because of my emotional attachments just as much as physical. Mentally I know I don't *need* cigarettes,they're not healthy for me,but I refuse to break free. They give me a temporary high that only addictive relationships and drugs can do...
You and I in that context,are in the same position. You could end up ruining your life talking with him for twenty years and him never ever giving you what *you* need(and him breaking you at the same time). I could be dead in twenty years. Neither situation is healthy for either one of us. Mental health,physical health,it all impacts our lives in big ways. We want to believe we have control,and should have control over something,yet truthfully hang on,because there's that addiction that still lingers. If you didn't get some sort of payoff(good or bad) to talking to your ex and keeping in contact,then you'd have stopped as your friends suggested a long time ago.
Wishing you much strength,
As far as staying away from this guy and your inability to completely stop contact with him - you can do it. Just look and ask yourself what is it that you want and need. This guy plays with you because he knows that you'll give him some feedback when he calls. You can change that. Take your power back by not answering, not calling and staying away from someone you isn't giving you what you NEED and WANT.
BUT, but since you are hanging on then try to set some boundaries.
Here is the Boundary book link below;
http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/boundariesbook1.html
You will need healthy boundaries whether with this guy or other people so boundaries, boundaries, we all need boundaries.
Try telling the man that you want to meet his daughter FIRST, and his ex-wife if they are really separated, and his parents, and especially before he wants you to move in with him.
If you must communicate with the man then do it on day-time dating at restaraunts and not in private - that is a relationship boundary.
If the boundaries do not stick then talk them out to see what does work, and if he will not cooperate then that is your answer.
When you keep seeing him and keep communicating instead of breaking up then you got to have some relationship boundaries.
See the book link above, and it is at libraries for free, or Amazon for cheap or brand new.
We all have to do our home work.