I understand exactly where you are getting at. Even if we stop our over-caring, to avoid hurting others and ourselves, we simply retreat into our shells and decide to isolate.

Whether it is in our heads or it could be the truth, sometimes the responses from the people we care about as we are struggling with ourselves, can be nonsupporting and demoralising. It makes recovery harder because the feelings of rejection simply increases. We may also find it selfish to not provide assistance when we know we can do a lot more.

I am at the exact crossroads. What I feel like doing now, is to retreat. Sometimes I think the people I love, don't really need me. And my presence does not matter to them. Being continuously attached simply hurt both parties, and if I could walk away, it will only hurt me. I believe I can take it. Because time heals all pain. But I'd be reluctant to allow myself in the same situation again, because we can only take so much pain at some point.

Sometimes it is not about safety and making the right decisions......but taking a chance on yourself first ;) You are worth it!!


A ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for.
Albert Einstein

Thank you for your replies.

Scorpio, it is nice to know that someone knows what I mean. My situation is actually a little different because I am not attaching myself to the people involved. In my case, these people are pulling on me, begging for my help, and holding me back when I want to move forward. It is like I am a lifeguard and swam out into the ocean to rescue someone. Once I got close, however, they have grabbed on and are now trying to drown me.

It is easy in the example to understand that I should free myself from the drowning person and save myself, but doing so comes with the knowledge and guilt that you are condemning the person who needs saving.

Cutting yourself off from someone who relies on you can be just as difficult as being cut off from someone to whom you're attached.

CoDaChrome, that is a great quote. it reminds me of a line from a movie: "Do you know what happened to the person who never took any risks? Nothing."

Still some risks feel like taking a large seaworthy ship out on a clear, calm day. Other risks feel like paddling a canoe towards a hurricane.

I think the thing to note, is that at the end of the day....it all on you. It isn't about them clinging on for help since you swam out, it is about you electing to drown because you are afraid of the guilt......

Food for thought on a Fabulous Friday!

CoDaChrome,

We've shared a number of thoughts on here, but your last one really struck a chord with me. Thanks for being such an "insightful" friend :)

Make boundaries. If you want to help anyhow, still make boundaries. Help with a compromise but don't compromise your boundary.

scorpio.. should u help even if u have not been asked to help? and esp when ur help is misinterpreted as controlling?ib detached myself from my ex who is a recovering addict.. because i felt so rejected... and i resent that i had to let go even if i didnt truly want to. but i thought it was the right thing to do. somehow guilt still comes up, thinking whether i shd understand him cos its part of the disease... but when will change happen if not without boindaries!?

thanks for posting ur story holborne

Wow. This is the third post I have read on here and it describes my situation down to a T. I am very new to this thought process but here is what is in my head about my situation.

I have never hung onto a relationship with someone I didn't have kids with, at least since I was a kid. But I have been hanging onto a person who happens also to be a shrink for almost a year as she works through her divorce. She is an alcoholic as am I and we began with a very dramatic rescue. She is doing better these days but the whole relationship is very codependent but it seems it can't be any other way since she has been honest from the get that she has nothing to give right now. So I wait for the smoke to clear and dust to settle, yet I often think she doesn't really care.

In my past I have either just burned the bridge down outright or used so much drugs and alcohol that I just made the entire situation impossible. I have never stuck anything out sober and am viewing this as some sort of ordeal I MUST go through to grow and evolve but the pain of the whole situation is almost unbearable. I have relapsed over it and lost a lot because of it. I have learned a lot regarding my relapse and am in outpatient rehab where I am learning about codependency.

So my dillema is that I have a basic inability to live life on lifes terms and resort to using to deal with it but I cannot go there anymore. So I have never just faced a situation like this where there are no answers and won't be for some time. I hang on thinking this is something I really need to do no matter the outcome but it is just so hard. So because its so hard and I have always blown things up or run away I feel like running away I won't grow and learn how to deal with what life has in it.

She on the other hand doesn't seem to be really dealing with her alcoholism and I think she thinks she is too smart to just do AA. She suffers from all the major alcoholic tendencies as well as a lot of guilt and shame issues. She sets up with men who cannot be intimate while I have a lot of capacity for real intimacy and it scares the crap out of her.

So I am just in a weird spot. If I split I feel like I am just doing the same thing I did in the past but just by using or self sabotaging. If I stay and hope I feel like I am torturing myself as its soooo hard and just want answers and to KNOW what is going to happen. Maybe this is growing up or I am just lying to myself??

Hey, thanks for starting this thread. You pose a question that I've been thinking a lot about lately.

Whenever something comes up where I could choose to violate my own boundaries and help someone that I don't have the time or energy to help... I try to step back and think about how I'm doing them a disservice by helping them.

Recently, I've learned that the "struggle" (the one where we face being on our own) is actually a very desirable struggle, and the most important lesson we can learn about taking care of ourselves.

So, if for instance you did choose to help someone out of some bind (one that they are capable of helping themselves out of) then it would be impossible for this person to learn from their own experience, problem solve in the real world, and take care of their own needs.

I know that in my case, if I had not faced the consequences of my own actions (or nonaction) then I would have never figured out how to do things on my own, build a ton of confidence, and take care of myself.

So, in conclusion, this "struggle" that we all find ourselves in... is desirable. We need it. It is the one and only way we can learn to do things on our own and feel good about ourselves.

It's odd how, taking care of our own needs can be the most daunting process for codependents. We know all about how to take care of others, but if we have to take care of our own needs, we suddenly feel like we are losing our vital life force, our purpose.

I'm just beginning to understand this inexplicable frightening feeling...

I think it's hard for us to understand that the reason we are so afraid to abandon others, is that when we think we are abandoning others, we really feel like we are abandoning ourselves. Suddenly, we lose that attachment that is "Exhibit A" in our minds of the only love we feel that we are worthy of having... It's sad, but I'm starting to realize that there's another type of love that us CoDa's don't even know exist. I think we just have to have faith that it's out there, and that by going through recovery, we will get closer and closer to attaining it.

Thank you for the wonderful post, it really helped me process my thoughts and feelings when I was writing a response!

I appreciate everyone's responses and they have been insightful for me to read.

dazedandconfused: i relate in a way to what you were saying about repeating a pattern and about wanting to know what will happen. The "unknown" is a scary place, especially when the choices one makes may involve quitting a job, moving to a new place, cutting ties with friends or family, etc. We're ingrained to think "better the devil you know than the devil you don't." The dumb thing about that perspective is that if you are with a devil (the devil you know), that person has a 100% chance of being a devil. It's entirely-possible the the next person you meet is not another devil and the place that you live is not another hell.

Malala: I appreciate your comments about the struggle. It is difficult for me to let my "person" learn in this case because her mistakes cause pain for me as well. If you have a roommate who is irresponsible with money, for example, you can refuse to pay the utility bills, but then you don't have electricity or water either when the providers cut you off. My situation is similar, but feels much more dramatic (of course).

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about what I need and about the fact that some people are unable to follow through on their commitments, no matter how much they may promise and how much they may want to keep those promises. I have not yet gathered the strength to do anything to change my situation, but am working on it.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me.

Holborn98,

I've actually found that enhancing and/or forging new emotional relationships with others has helped me to move forward during times that I have been struggling. I don't mean running out and looking for a "rebound" relationship, but I mean connecting with other people like yourself (similar values, hopes, standards) or people whose qualities you admire. I realize now that in my situation, shutting me out from the world by wanting to spend "1:1 time" together ALL OF THE TIME really weakened my relationships with my key support systems (strategic move on his part).

On another note, I also understand how you feel about empty promises- my motto has always been, "mean what you say and say what you mean". Being with a person who isn't true to their word makes my skin crawl... but for some reason, I put up with it because I thought things could change. Change is hard, no matter what is at stake.

I'm on the cusp of turning 30 and just really learning now who I am, what I deserve, and what direction I want my life to go in. I guess having a positive outlook about my future and being hopeful about living a life that is fulfilling (and realistic) instead of focusing so much of the collateral damage aspect helps to get me through as well. Best of luck with everything!

MeggCat,

Thank you for your thoughts as well. I agree that making new connections is helpful to bring perspective and to feel less trapped by one's current situation.

I know that shifting focus from collateral damage, guilt, and fear and to opportunity and positivity is a key as well. I just need to figure out how to do it :)

Really interesting additional commentary here.

Living with unresolved conflict/situations and being ok despite it is really a hard thing in life. I haven't quiet perfected it, but I know when I am in it and have tried to just learn to be with it.....

It is funny......how at the end of the day, nothing external; people, jobs, news, etc. have anything to do with us.......but for some reason we CoDependents find our reasons, purposes, identity, etc. from it. Yet the whole time, who we are, was right there inside of us. Its kinda sad.....like a bad maze game or something.

My wish for all of us for 2015, is to find the best version of ourselves, and be the truest we can be with it......and not allow anybody or anything to divert us from it!

Cheers!