Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

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First Post

Munchkin
Munchkin

Hi so today I had my "Epic Realization" of the day, I am codependent, hi. 


had my freak out because of the term, talking to my councellor tomorrow but pretty certain, I belong here. It's actually reassuring, my "crazy" fits this mould. And it's not just me, it's my partners too, been struggling to understand a bad break up and why it hit me so hard, it fits. 


Currently wondering if its possible to switch roles? Taker to Caretaker. I think I did this, years ago I was in a truly awful abusive Trainwreck of a relationship, I did a lot of work on myself and thought I was past it, no longer the "victim". But I never saw a professional, never called it codependent, I think without dealing with the core of my problem I simply switched roles to the caretaker. It makes a lot of sense in many ways, my parents are the full set so it's all I know and I hadn't realized the caretakers role was a problem that seemed normal to me. I think I had improved also, not as bad if still lots of work to do, still I knew some behaviours to watch myself for, I know I felt more secure in myself, at least until the end, when he cheated my self esteem nose dived and then the victim role made an appearance again.


Does this make sense? Do people think I'm on the right track here? Validate me (haha, yup that's definitely a thing I do but I would love some input)

michellebrand
michellebrand
I think we adapt to whatever role is necessary for us to get our fix... The approval of another. I love your honesty... Please please share more. There are not too many of us on this site.
Munchkin
Munchkin
Thank you both, as I mentioned I have now spoken to my councellor, she didn't really seem to know about codependence, (went to look it up when I mentioned it) she thought it might be a "bit of a red herring" or at least not the core ofy problems. Have any of you who have had experience with councellling found this? She believes I have low level Asperger's and that's where my difficulties arise from (I think this is probably true but I don't think it is the root of my problems). All I have read on codependence seems to fit so well though so now I am confused
mirandac
mirandac
http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-of-recovery/
michellebrand
michellebrand
It's like the therapist literally thinks... "I've gone to school for this, and you arent going to come in here and tell me what's wrong with you... That's my job... Here let me find something that I know how to deal with."

Trust yourself... I learned that I had major attachment trauma from my childhood (daddy issues) ... There is a guy name Ross Rosenberg... He is a psychotherapist,, look him up. Codependancy is not in the DSM therefore no one can treat it and be able to Bill our insurance... They have to make it something else in order to get paid.
Whattodo
Whattodo
It sounds perfectly plausible what you're saying, particularly if your two caregivers modelled these two roles for you. Of course you would take one or the other, no doubt depending upon your partner and their role preference. It's confusing for sure because just as you think you've got one set of behaviours understood and are dealing with those, hey presto you're in a new relationship where its been turned on its head and there are yet more behaviours to uncover and understand. I guess it is similar to the better-than less-than paradigm we all get into, codependent or not. We are constantly judging ourselves and relating to others based on two extremes. The more we can come to the middle with balanced behaviour, the more we can be on the same level in our relationships
Munchkin
Munchkin
Thank you guys :) yeah I still think there is something in this. As you say middle ground is the dream, and trying to give myself credit I think I managed it until my self esteem took a nose dive at the end of my last relationship and I had to deal with my mother who was having serious health problems, I think I slipped back to old roles, I think I just need to be really aware that I have a tendency to do that and just watch for old patterns coming back out
Osheana
Osheana
Hi Munchkin, Best of luck also- I had a c-r-a-z-y realization today that I displayed signs of dependency because when he would leave because I asked him to I would go through physical signs of withdrawal like I had to stop and say hey this is like being on drugs-okay stop ,reflect, time for that painful one on one with oneself,I totally support therapy but the truth is you have to learn
how to do you and therapeutically learn yourself, your weakness, your triggers, where they come from, your history,and then okay how do I move through this
best of luck always- special hugs
Whattodo
Whattodo
Hey Munchkin, that makes a lot of sense about slipping back into old roles. I think its easy to do when all the old triggers are there ie being around parents/ childhood influencers. I am finding I need to be surrounded by people who are committed to a new way of doing things (ie non codependent behaviour) so that I can reinforce my own new behaviours. Maybe over time I can reconnect with childhood connections and by then be more mindful and stronger to not slip back.
MagMary
MagMary
I can relate to what you're saying. My husband and I are both codependent but both have/had different signs/symptoms at differing times throughout our relationship. Roles switching between taker/caregiver, victim/abuser, etc. He was in counseling for quite a while and they never noticed/suspected/mentioned codependcy so his symptoms were treated but we never got to the root problem. He now starts counseling again on Monday for the root and I haven't made an appt yet. I don't know why I'm fighting it. I definitely don't trust myself to tell a stranger or anyone the truth. I'm afraid I'm going to make an appointment and give a very surface explainatin of the facts. I guess that's why I'm starting here on this website, so that I can get myself to the point where I'm not so fragile and I can be honest.