great post, that is a very good question. I have lost my family due to co-dependency and am trying to meet new people that are not co-dependent. Its not easy. Hope you find what you are looking for.
sorry I cannot help.

Hi Mag333.

Part of the recovery for any of us is learning how to recognize what's healthy and good for us. You're not alone there. This is something that takes time and patience with ourselves.

The way I see it, all of us have our issues. I don't believe any on us have gotten through life this far completely unscathed. We're all imperfect beings and we all have our demons. We're all products of our upbringings.That's not to excuse certain behavior, just to acknowledge that as human beings we all have our flaws. I found a lot of healing in embracing this fact and letting it go. When you've worked on certain issues youself, you're bound to easily recognize those same issues in others. And that's ok. As long as we also realize that it's not our problem to fix. We have no control over the codependant or addictive behavior of another person.

When it comes to relationships, I think it's a healthy one when you feel good about yourself when you're around that person, not sad, angry, scared, or worried.You should feel safe around them and feel that you can trust them with your secrets. You should like to spend time with them, instead of feeling like you're pressured into spending time with them. There should also be an equal amount of give and take, a fair balance. You shouldn't feel that most of the time you are giving the other person more attention than they give to you.

Good post, i've been wondering this myself. What the heck, i WANT to be around healthy people finally, but I have no idea where those people are. I bought a book called 'Safe People' to try and help me recognize in relationships things that are 'deal breakers' for me.

You want to hear something funny? I loaned it out to a friend because I thought she needed my 'help.' hahahahaha.......

Oh man, that's good.

I think everybody has issues, like twilight said, and that whether you can be in relationship with them depends on whether or not you are able to maintain your own boundaries or whether you get sucked into codependence again when around that person. You just kinda have to know where your limitations are , i think.

Anyone have ideas on that?

Wow. I am on the same page here. How do you find healthy people and then how do you prevent your own bad habits from popping up? I am feeling better about awareness and setting boundaries. For me a lot of it was one sided in that I didn't have a good sense of boundaries myself and thus sought out people with the same issues. I heard somewhere you only really attract people as healthy as you. Expect a lot of "no fits". Experiment. Try new hobbies, meet-up groups etc.

Of course right now I just started dating and am super anxious about reverting back to CD behavior. Trying to stay in the moment and let go of control. Take it day by day....

Great question! Indeed, one feature of codependency is that there is a tendency to surround oneself with people who are in denial over their issues - that gives us someone to "fix."

A wise therapist told me to get involved in volunteer work; saying that people who volunteer are generally healthier and are volunteering because they wish to give of themselves. It's been my experience that this is so.

Another wonderful thing for me is to be part of a 12-Step fellowship (in my case, Al-Anon.) There is something remarkable about being part of a group of people where the language of recovery is spoken and understood. It is fuel for the journey.

Hi Mag,

For me it has been about becoming healthy through the 12 steps. For me the Coda steps weren't enough and i am now working the Love addiction steps which are very rigurous and get right in to those places where i can't hide from who i really am.

I believe that once i have forgiven my ex's and myself for choosing them as partners and am able to make my amends in step 9 that i will begin to be able to determine who is healhtier.

Like you say we all have an element of codependency/addiction to cope in life but its finding people that have been willing to look at themselves are are humble enough to know their weaknesses and strengths in life.

Blessings and joy to you on your journey, Vee

Hi TwilightSleep,

I really liked your last paragraph, those are great ways of assessing a relationship to decide whether it is healthy or not.

I also agree that it is possible have healthy relationships with people who have issues, as we all do, as long as we don't take on responsibility for fixing it.

Twilight, as ever has captured it all in her last paragraph!

All I would add, is that I really think it's a Feel thing.

If you find yourself naturally warming to someone, allow yourself to truly feel it. Look out for all the signs, and feel it. If it is coming from a healthy place you will now - there will be a sense of ease about it. If you feel an enormous pull, a need for them, or a compulsion, be very wary.

Yep, we all have issues. It's the weakness, the flesh-and-blood experience of being human.

Well, I've found that the best way to be emotionally healthy is to make physical health a priority. I always make time for exercise. And I socialize with people in the gym where I work out. It's a place where others have the exact same goal, to be healthy.

So, basically, go healthy PLACES, where people are full of vitality and joy, and are laughing, to find healthy PEOPLE. Begin and foster a healthy relationship WITH GOD. Get out and enjoy the great outdoors! A park, the beach, the mountains...

I find a cat-nap on the beach listening to the waves crash and people laughing as they listen to their favorite tunes or play volleyball can't help but elevate whatever negative, funky mood I happen to be in. Before long, I'm so engrossed in the positive, party atmosphere, i could care less about being in a "relationship", if that relationship intrudes upon this perfect bliss-!

I agree with most of what Twilight & Koolman have offered. We all have some issues, that's just life in general. What is healthy and good for you.

What life activities, places, people and things are you drawn to or want to take a risk on and become active in. You and only you know and can define just what those are for you. Then go, check it out, talk to people and participate. I believe when you seek the people, places or things that add value, enhance and add joy to your life then you are more likely to meet some folks that may beable to meet you on some common healthy ground. It does take/require some work on your part, these people don't usually just fall from the sky.

Maggie, you are on a good road, Please don't give up. 'Life can be hard, but it is worth it'. A solid balance of give and take not just 50/50 is a good measure of.........

meetup.com is great. I joined a bicycling group awhile back and, while it was mainly dudes who were interested in socializing with me, had some great conversations with my "brothers".

Making friends - sometimes hard, always a good discussion topic. I'm no expert since I don't have many close friends b/c I'm an introvert and I don't have that many things in common with most people, but I enjoy people and friendships and I have developed certain criteria for friendship. One of them is, my friend must listen to my feelings without judging or fixing. It is lifegiving to me to be able to talk about what's going on in my life, process my feelings, without being pressured to "fix" it or change. Often the talking IS the fix for me. Example of someone NOT to pursue friendship with: Today at my Al-Anon meeting, there was a veteran Al-Anon new to the group, who was being very codependent, she was solving ppl's problems, directly addressing things certain individuals had said in the meeting, etc. She would NOT be a good person to make friends with. A friend must have time for me. Many ppl are so busy with family and activities, rushing here and there, every moment planned and structured, where is the time to be my friend? Someone said volunteering and I wholeheartedly agree. Good healthy ppl who feel good about themselves and about life and want to give unselfishly to others. Also, if we are involved in a recovery program, go eat afterwards with the group, it's fun, a great place to let our hair down and get to know some folks better. For me, making friends can be very difficult. It's taken me years of trying, I have a friend or two, still not a "best friend" or bosom buddy, but at least a few acquaintance from groups I attend with whom I can go to Starbucks, go for a walk, movie, etc. Unlike most females, I am a one-on-one person, and unfortunately I find most females are group creatures, so I spend a lot of time on my own and if friendship comes, great.

And you should extend them the same courtesy, of course!

Hey Koolman,
You talk a lot about exercise and I really like that. Also about getting out and being around healthy people. I think that this site, support groups, therapy all are great, but it is important for me to get out into environments where it's not all about healing, which implies there is something not right. Of course as a codependent, I do have some unhealthy thinking patterns, but it is also not healthy to think about that all the time!